Post Chinese New Year, our columnist discusses the dilemma of the Western-educated, single Asian woman.

I TRY to conclude my articles with a happy ending. It’s Saturday, most people have had a tough week and want to chill, so who wants to hear yet another person whine and rant, right?

There’s always Facebook, if that’s your poison.

Writing is very much an emotionally-charged affair. Prevailing mood decides which words sees light of day and the tone of the finished piece. And it’s been a very mixed bag of moods since Chinese New Year, my favourite and most terrifying time of the year.

Favourite, because it’s the time when I get to catch up with relatives and friends. Terrifying, because it’s also that time I get The Question.

“When are you settling down?” may sound like the simplest question, but to the receiver, it is absolutely LOADED with subtext:

1. Your eggs are dying faster than you can produce. Hurry up!

2. You must hate kids. Actually, I’ve come a long way, thanks to well-meaning friends who are mothers. I even have a goddaughter of my own ... oh, hello, Amelyn!

3. You can’t get a man. Hold on, let me check my little black book... there’s still one slot in March 2014. Which one of you nice gentlemen would like to chup first.

4. You must not like men. Ok, let’s not go there.

Seriously, I don’t mind being the butt of jokes or even answering this question a total of 10,384,795 times just to get through a dinner. But I do mind when it affects my parents. For some reason, people love to ask The Question in front of my parents.

“You better hurry up lah. Your parents have waited until their saliva also comes out. They are not spring chickens anymore.”

The parents inevitably wince, and if I could spare them, I would.

“Do what makes you happy,” advises a friend. “You can’t please everyone.”

Easier said than done, when you’re an Asian woman with a supposedly international outlook. We’re hybrids of two diametrically opposite worlds – one that emphasises the individual needs and desires, and another that eulogises filial piety and others above self.

During his recent book tour in Malaysia, Tash Aw said something that struck a chord with me: Things that didn’t seem important when they happened actually did play an important part in informing our values, whether we’re conscious of it or otherwise.

I can vouch that it’s true. The traditional Asian values that I’ve observed and absorbed growing up have stayed with me. From the act of giving money once you attain adulthood, to the sense that performing my filial duty is incomplete unless I check those son-in-law and grandchildren boxes...

Every time my inner rebel goes: “Why do I have to live my life for other people?”, my Asian side argues, “Your parents raised you; about time you give back. Just get married already and make them happy.”

I can get angry and rant about it – and I did, many times. Confession: prior to writing this, I penned a scathing diatribe which will basically 1) get me disowned by my parents 2) offend the whole world and worse, 3) make people think I’m really a bitter old spinster.

And where would that leave me? The Question will still make its appearance come next CNY. AND I’d never be able to undo the hurt to my parents’ feelings.

I asked my friend Sam, who gave me a surprising solution. Get this – she actually looks forward to CNY every year because it gives her the chance to flex her creative muscles. Circa 2013, she evolved it to a high art form that disarms and charms at once: “Oh, I put off getting married because I want to look after Ma and Pa.” Now that’s a keeper!

In reality, things are a little more complex. As indignant as I get in the heat of the moment, common sense always slips in to remind me that not all my friends are asking That Abhorrent Question because they are gossipy busybodies; they genuinely care and ask out of love, as does Mum in her worried silent gaze every time somebody gives me an angpow.

As I write this, Mum busies herself in the kitchen. Chinese New Year celebrations are quiet affairs at home because there are only three of us. Ma comes from a big family of 12, and I’m guessing that every CNY is a circus. Which must be why she’s alarmed that even at my age, there’s no husband in sight (I’m 30something, if you must know).

Could she be envisioning a life of lonely spinsterhood for her only daughter, with no other sibling to latch on to for reunion dinners, etc, when festive seasons come along? I can understand, because silence can be scary.

Which is why I really want to break this wall of silence surrounding the elephant in the room. I want to walk up to her and reassure her, Ma, don’t worry.

But you know what? At the end of the day, you can’t force happiness. And nothing will change the fact that every parent worries about their child.

Or to quote my dad, “Yeung yi yat pak sui, cheong yau kau sap kau” (Even if you look after your child for 100 years, you will worry for 99 of them).

Come to think of it, there is a grain of truth in what Sam says: I’m taking my time to decide on certain things because I’m enjoying this new phase of my relationship with them. It’s fun to hang out with my mum and dad as adult friends, while retaining the privilege of being spoilt rotten when I crave some babying – like right now, when I’m afflicted with a bad case of tonsilitis.

Surely you can’t blame me for wanting to enjoy the best of both worlds a little while longer?

Alexandra Wong (www.bunnysprints.com) hopes her sharing will open people’s eyes to what women in her position go through, and perhaps make them think about what they are saying, even when they mean well. Share your experiences from either side of The Question at star2@thestar.com.my.

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