Sunday October 25, 2009

Command performance

Culture Cul De Sac by JACQUELINE PEREIRA

RECENT news flash: a Saudi woman, after surreptitiously examining her husband’s contact list on his mobile phone, has decided to seek a divorce after 17 years of marriage. The reason? He had tagged her on his list as Guantanamo.

The Riyadh newspaper report did suggest that she, however, may settle for “substantial” financial compensation from her spouse in order to stay married.

The reasons for divorce these days vary widely, and not all are as amusing as the above example. The three main causes centre on infidelity, various forms of abuse and an inability to communicate.

Other frequently cited grounds are lack of commitment, sexual incompatibility, abandonment, inability to resolve conflict, differences in personal and career goals, finances and intellectual incompatibility. Add differing religious beliefs, plus cultural and lifestyle differences, and you have a growing list of dissonance.

But anyone in the midst of divorce, for whatever reason, will certainly not be thinking of being sent off on a romantic jaunt with their partner.

Even if it is paid for by a concerned government, I doubt whether sun, sand, sea and sex will enable them to reconcile their differences – especially if the rift that brought on the divorce in the first instance has become a cavernous chasm.

The Terengganu State Government’s proposal for a second honeymoon holiday to aid feuding couples sprang from a pilot programme with 25 participating couples. No figures have been released to illustrate either this scheme’s success rate, if any, or the state’s supposedly soaring divorce rate.

But this initiative is expected to roll out by the end of this year once suitable modules and screening standards are sorted. Noble as the effort may be, it does seem contentiously naive.

Costing below RM1,500, the three-day, two-night honeymoon packages are meant to allow couples time to not only enjoy the state’s scenic spots, but also to partake of a formulaic panacea with their partners.

If only conflicts could be resolved so simply, with sandy beaches, comfortable double beds and breakfast by the pool.

Looking beyond Malaysian marriages, recent research in Britain reveals that, instead of the seven-year itch – the previous standard time-frame for marital bliss to wane – it now takes up to 11 years before the average couple feels the urge to scratch.

According to the report, this is a third longer than it was in 1985. More significantly, overall divorce rates in Britain have fallen to their lowest levels since 1981.

Patricia Morgan, an author of books on the decline of the traditional family, says that the people who now choose to marry are those who take a long-term view.

Meanwhile, analysts point out that, because fewer couples are choosing to wed, British marriage rates are the lowest since records began in the 1850s.

In explaining the situation, Morgan states: “It is cohabitation that is now temporary and cohabiting relationships that break up quickly. While people who marry are prepared for long-term commitment, many cohabitees regard their relationships as temporary.”

But Michael Buchanan, twice-divorced author of a new book, The Marriage Delusion, thinks that, in these days of longer life expectancy, it is unrealistic for couples to sustain decades-long love and interest in each other.

Here at home, many have responded to Terengganu’s plans in true Malaysian style, some speaking about couples understanding each other better, others suspecting that the plan will encourage cash-strapped couples to enjoy a free holiday on the pretext of marital discord.

Instead of a forced honeymoon (with counselling), there may be a better option.

A British journalist has chosen to live on her own after her wedding to pursue her dream of writing a novel about her hometown. She moved back into her mother’s home a month after her wedding, and has now lived apart from her husband for more than a year.

In order to devote her energies to her writing, she said she felt secure enough in her long-term relationship to take the risk.

Apart from respect for each other’s career ambitions, the decision was based on financial constraints (she left her job to write full-time) and her need to research her hometown. Most importantly, she revealed, it satisfied her need for time and space to think.

Despite their separation, frustrations and misunderstandings, flaws are now viewed as charming eccentricities.

Above all, at every meeting they revel in each other’s love. She admits, though, that this is just a short-term arrangement on the way to achieving her dream. After a year, her first draft is almost complete.

Perhaps a better idea, instead of forcibly throwing together couples intent on separating, they should take separate holidays – alone. So they will have time and space to reflect and review their status, without anger and resentment clouding their every thought.

That’s what I’d want if I found myself in such a situation. Surely not an ineffective counselling session in an inappropriate location.

Although, if I found out that my nickname was Guantanamo, I’d go with the substantial settlement and tag him “Pudu”....

People, places and perceptions inspire writer Jacqueline Pereira. In this column, she rummages through cultural differences and revels in discovering similarities.

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Sunday October 25, 2009

Command performance

Culture Cul De Sac by JACQUELINE PEREIRA

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