The prophets of doom have a field day as Dec 21 draws near.

IN a few days, it will be Dec 21. And we all know what that means, don’t we? Yep, the world as we know it will come to an end. Well, at least according to some interpretations of the Mayan calendar, it will.

Although I’m sure there’s not going to be an apocalypse on that day, with huge tsunamis engulfing the planet and earthquakes flattening buildings around the world, many people are convinced that a sneaky rogue planet called Nibiru will come out from behind the Sun, where it has been hiding, and put itself on a collision course with Earth.

To save himself from the repercussions of such an event, an enterprising man in China has built himself a spherical steel ark that is purported to be able to survive even a nuclear meltdown. But at 4m in diameter, I can’t imagine his boat will be taking many animals on board. Maybe there’s just enough room for a couple of pigs to guarantee a supply of char siew pau after everything has settled down.

Over in the French Pyrenees, rumour has it that a mountain is hiding a huge garage for an alien spaceship that will be the only means of escaping Earth’s imminent destruction, if you haven’t already built yourself an Ark. Indeed, the little village of Bugarach (population 176), which nestles at the foot of Pic de Bugarach, is being touted by doomsday cults as the only place in the world that is going to survive Armageddon. If you can get a flight over to the village of immortality, you can camp out in one of the villager’s fields for ‚400 (RM1,594) a night – tent not included.

And all of this because the makers of the Mayan calendar probably ran out of rock when they were carving vital information about things like the coming of Justin Bieber, the great war between Apple and Samsung, and a final zombie uprising that would see governments around the world populated by people with vacant expressions on their faces and no signs of intelligent life between their ears.

But even if the world does come to an end, and even if I can secure a spot on the Ark along with the pigs, and even if I am able to emerge unscathed after the dust has cleared and the water has receded, the purged planet might not be such a bad place, after all.

My fellow survivors and I would have a chance to do it all over again, and hopefully get it right this time.

Firstly, I would ban celebrity. No more stupid red carpet events with stars posing in over-priced frocks at the premiere of movies like Armageddon The 100th Sequel and Hey, Dude, Who Stole My Calendar?

No more actors spouting off about global events, as if their ability to memorise words and regurgitate them on cue renders them hugely knowledgeable, or even intelligent, in some cases. Actors, singers and sports personalities wouldn’t earn any more than, say, an accountant.

Then I would make it harder for folks to get their hands on fast food. For example, all the fast food restaurants and outlets would be located at the top of 10 flights of stairs. And all food would have to be eaten on the premises, so your friend can’t go and get it for you.

I would then make it illegal for airline passengers to take up more than their allotted space on a flight. If your arm so much as crosses over into my personal space, just because you want to read the largest newspaper known to mankind, while sitting in the smallest airplane seat possible, a vat of boiling oil (low-calorie, of course) will automatically be released over your head.

I would also penalise people who walk slowly in shopping malls – one hundred abreast. You see these people everywhere, shuffling their feet, almost zombie-like, taking up entire passageways. Such people invariably have hearing problems, too. I mean to say, you can shout “Excuse me!” until you are hoarse, and it won’t register that you are talking to them.

Motion detectors could weed out all the shufflers and passageway hoggers, and someone in a control room could vaporize them on the spot.

And don’t get me started on errant road drivers who habitually jump the queue, or honk their horn when you’re a nanosecond late reacting to a green traffic light.

So many new rules to be made up. I think world domination will suit me just fine. So long, readers, it’s been a blast!

> Check out Mary on Facebook at www.facebook.com/mary.schneider.writer. Reader response can be directed to star2@thestar.com.my.

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