One of the biggest benefits of remaining sober, at any time of the year, is escaping the dreaded hangover.

IN a few hours, we will be embarking on a new year. And we all know what that means, don’t we? Countless people will indulge in alcoholic beverages until they begin to slur their words, falling over their feet and apologising to inanimate objects.

If you’re a teetotaller, keeping your sanity on New Year’s Eve while those around you are losing theirs can be challenging. People who consume too much alcohol are usually quick to tell you about their plans for world peace, or how much they hate their boss, or how they have just come back from the best holiday ever. Try sitting through 500 iPhone photographs of someone’s trip to Bukit Mertajam and you’ll probably start praying for something to anaesthetise the boring numbness of it all.

Drunk people are also inclined to think that they possess hitherto unknown talents that have them convinced that they can sing or dance or tell funny stories – activities they could never undertake successfully while sober.

However, one of the biggest benefits of remaining sober, at any time of the year, is escaping the dreaded hangover the following day.

A hangover is Nature’s way of telling us that we have emptied out wallets, abused our bodies and shamed our families and friends. For those of you who have never experienced one, here’s a little insight into the morning after:

When you have a hangover, your mouth tastes and feels like the bottom of a birdcage and your throat feels as dry as the Sahara. Your eyes burn in their sockets, your stomach slowly spins on its axis and your head swells and contracts like a stranded jellyfish fighting against the tide. Bright lights hurt your eyes, and jeering, gibbering people from the night before seem to whisper in your ears, taunting you for your half-remembered misdemeanours.

The worst part of a hangover is getting out of bed and trying to get dressed. Forget about taking a shower. The slightest movement will make your head pound and cause you to break out in a sweat. Also, the furniture in your room might sway gently, giving you the impression of being at sea.

When embarking upon any physical activity, it is best to look in one direction only: straight ahead. For example, if an article of clothing is hanging at eye-level, assuming, of course, that you can bear the sound the wardrobe door makes as you open it, you’re in luck. However, if you have to rummage through drawers for stuff, take whatever your fingers can wrap themselves around. Rummaging is not a pleasurable experience when you have a heavy head. Besides, who cares if you are wearing fluorescent swimming trunks beneath those crimplene trousers that have been hanging in your closet since the seventies?

Another small tip: forget about socks! If you really must wear them, try to put them on without bending down. Resting your leg on a horizontal surface like a low table might help. The same rule applies to shoes – it’s best to stick to slip-ons. Bending down to tie laces can prove fatal when you are suffering from a hangover; your head is likely to drop off and roll beneath the bed.

If you feel you must eat something, keep away from noisy food like Rice Crispies. All that snapping, crackling and popping might bring on an aneurism. It would also be wise to steer away from anything containing liver. Raw liver moose with sauerkraut would definitely set the stomach in seesaw motion.

Some people recommend a hair of the dog to cure a hangover, but I’m not so sure about such remedies. Premised on the idea that the best thing for what ails you is more of what ails you, such cures are popular with many seasoned drinkers who don’t mind having a drink first thing in the morning. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t fancy the idea of gulping down a measure of Scotch mixed with a couple of raw eggs before my soggy cereal.

I’m told the ancient Romans ate fried canaries to cure a hangover, while the Greeks found relief by munching on the lungs of sheep. Many other ancient people, in addition to the Greeks and the Romans, took pre-emptive measures by eating boiled cabbage before they began binge drinking.

I’ve only one piece of advice for New Year’s Day 2013: please remove all feathers before frying!

Wishing all readers a Happy New Year.

Check out Mary on Facebook at www.facebook.com/mary.schneider.writer. Reader response can be directed to star2@thestar.com.my.

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