How much would you pay for something that once belonged to a celebrity? Toenails and all.

WAY back in 1996, an auction of the late Jackie Kennedy Onassis’ possessions attracted hoards of fans eager to buy a piece of celebrity. At the end of the three-day event, which was expected to fetch about US$4mil (RM12mil) in total, bidders had parted with a whopping US$34.5mil (RM103.5mil). It was obvious that many people were willing to pay insane amounts of money to be able to own something that belonged to either Jackie or her late husband, John F. Kennedy.

For example, Jackie’s engraved sterling silver tape measure, which had been valued at US$500 – US$700 (RM1,500 – RM2,100), was sold to Manhattan interior designer Juan Molyneux for US$48,875 (RM146,625). It seems to me that some folks get paid too much money for arranging cushions on a sofa.

The purchase also makes me wonder what Juan was smoking at the time. Did he think that some of his clients would stop him as he measured their windows for curtains and say, “Oh, my God! Tell me it’s not so? Tell me, that’s not Jackie Kennedy’s tape measure? Wait till I tell my friends that the same tape measure that was used in the White House touched my bay windows.”

Much ado about sanity: Some people are willing to part with exorbitant amounts of money to have a piece of a celebrity — like a lipstick-stained serviette — to feel personally connected to their idols.

To give him credit, Juan did say afterwards, “When I bought the tape measure, the first thing I measured was my sanity.”

Perhaps the second thing to be measured was the size of his dwindling bank account.

Of course, many others have also been persuaded to buy celebrity memorabilia for huge amounts of money. For example, in 1983, a jar of Elvis Presley’s hair was sold for US$115,000 (RM345,000).

What is the point of that? Do you invite your friend’s for coffee and proudly show them the hairy jar next to the sugar bowl?

At least Jackie’s tape measure served a useful purpose.

Some people are so caught up in the nonsense, that is celebrity, that I could trim my toenails, stash the clippings in an old jam jar and tell everyone that they belonged to the late John Lennon, and I would be believed. I could also make my envy-inducing display jar sound even more attractive by filling it up with even more clippings and telling visitors that all four of the Beatles had contributed to it. Of course, I would have to remember to remove all traces of my nail polish first.

If you think that all those gnarly nail clippings would be the ultimate testimony to man’s ability to behave irrationally – think again! Someone supposedly caught Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s breath in a jar as they walked along the red carpet. The jar was later sold for US$530 (RM1,590) on eBay. I’m not making this up.

How do you even get within breathing distance of such a high profile couple, close enough to stick a jar in front of them, without their security people grabbing you by the arm and tossing you into the outer hemisphere, jar and all?

And even assuming someone did catch the couple’s breath unnoticed, who’s going to authenticate it? And what bozo would part with any money for what in essence is nothing more than an empty jar? And what is such a person going to do with it?

Sure he can put it in a display cabinet, shine a halogen light on it, and show it to anyone who cares to visit. Assuming, of course, that such people have visitors in the first place. Or he might, in the privacy of his bedroom, lay back on his bed, slowly open the jar, bring it up to his face, and deeply inhale the exhaled breath of Hollywood’s golden couple.

It seems that more and more people are willing to part with exorbitant amounts of money to have a piece of a celebrity. It’s as if a lipstick-stained serviette, a half-eaten sandwich, or a jar containing a fart is all that is needed for such people to feel personally connected to their idols.

This obsession with celebrity goes beyond irrational – it’s downright creepy. It’s as if some of us have lost sight of the fact that celebrities are human, like the rest of us. After all, they breathe, cut their toenails, burp, measure things, and grow their hair, too. Buying someone’s nose hair doesn’t provide you with a direct line to their private persona. At the end of the day, a hair, is a hair, is a hair.

Of course, if you want to assign a value to something, you are free to do so. That being the case, I’ve got some earwax that is purported to have been dug out of Abraham Lincoln’s ears as he slept.

At five million ringgit, it’s a snip of a price.

> Check out Mary on Facebook at facebook.com/mary.schneider.writer. Reader response can be directed to star2@thestar.com.my.

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