You don’t have to help people all the time, especially if they want you to look after their house for a month.

WHEN someone asks for a favour that is going to be hugely inconvenient, why do many of us have a problem saying no?

In the past, I’ve sometimes agreed to do things for others, simply because they’ve caught me unawares and asked me ever so nicely. Before I could engage my brain, my tongue would usually take on a life of its own, and I would find myself saying something like, “Sure, I don’t mind editing your 1000-page report over the weekend; or taking care of your flesh-eating fish, which need to be fed three times a day, while you go on holiday; or babysitting your wailing one-year-old while you have a manicure. While I’m at it, is there anything else I can do? How about a kidney?”

I once found myself in a situation where a woman I barely knew asked me if I would take care of her house for a month while she was on holiday.

“I don’t like to ask,” she began, and then smiled sweetly at me, “but you’re such a helpful person, and since you live just around the corner from me, I was wondering if you could keep an eye on my house while I’m gone.”

Even though I was expecting visitors during the second week of her holiday, and although I often don’t leave my house for days on end, I couldn’t bring myself to say no to her. After all, it was such a small request, and I didn’t want to appear unhelpful.

“I’d be happy to,” I found myself saying. At the same time, a mean voice in my head was saying, “Lady, don’t you have anyone else you can ask? Like a real friend?”

“I knew I could depend on you,” she gushed. “And here’s a teeny list of things that I hope you won’t mind doing when you pop over every day.”

She then handed me a list about the length of a toilet roll: feed the cat, feed the fish, water the plants, bring in the mail .... If I’d been a real friend, she might have also asked me to re-grout the bathroom tiles, iron her underwear and perform open-heart surgery on her ailing neighbour.

Now, at that moment, it wouldn’t have been unreasonable for me to say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I have time to do all of that. Is there perhaps someone else you can ask?”

Instead, the people-pleaser in me said, “Sure. No problem.”

Over the next few hours, I tried to think of ways to get out of my commitment, but as the clock ticked away it became harder and harder for me to come up with an excuse that wouldn’t make me sound like an inconsistent jerk.

In the end, I decided to just suck it up.

However, at the end of the first week, about half of her fish were dead. Then her cat disappeared at the end of the second week. And no, I wasn’t being negligent.

Fortunately, the cat came back during the third week. Unfortunately, the remaining fish died.

Then at the end of the fourth week, a fuse blew in her house, and the contents of her freezer had to be thrown away. Apart from that, it all went well. However, she never asked me for a favour again.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy helping my family and friends, but I’ve learnt that it’s important to strike a balance. After all, you don’t want to end up being classified as a selfish sod because you never agree to help anyone out, but you also don’t want to feel that you have to agree to everything. Your family and friends should respect the fact that sometimes you have to say no.

Instead of responding immediately to a request for a favour that I’m unsure of, I now find it helps if I buy some time by saying something like, “I’ll get back to you on this.”

This gives me time to think things over, and when I do make a decision, I know I’ve made it for the right reasons. As such, I won’t feel as if I’ve been taken advantage of when I’m helping someone out, and I also won’t feel guilty when I have to say no.

Of course, if your neighbour, who can’t drive, knocks on your front door at midnight and asks you if you can drive her husband to the hospital as he’s having a heart attack, do not, under any circumstances, tell her that you’ll get back to her.

Unless, of course, you’re having a heart attack yourself. In which case, you’re both screwed.

Check out Mary on Facebook at www.facebook.com/mary.schnei der.writer. Reader response can be directed to star2@thestar.com.my.

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