There’s art in wooing customers, and sales people could do well to take note of that.

I WAS walking through a shopping mall recently when a young man called out to me from a cosmetics counter.

“Excuse me,” he said. “Your skis are bothering your butt and I want to help.”

Or at least that’s what I thought he said.

I stopped in my tracks. “Sorry, what was that?” I said.

Obviously encouraged by my response, he began walking towards me.

“You have a beautiful complexion,” he said, but the skin around your eyes needs some help. I think you don’t get enough sleep. Am I right?”

“Well, come to think of it, I don’t get enough sleep,” I found myself saying.

But a little voice in my head was saying, “What a nerve! Even if I do look a little tired, you have no right telling me so.”

He then made a sweeping gesture with his arm as he indicated the cosmetics counter. “I have something that can help you. Let me show you.”

“How about I show you the view of my fast-disappearing derriere,” I wanted to say but didn’t. Instead, I mumbled something about being in a hurry and walked away.

“But you won’t regret it!” he shouted after me as I stepped onto a nearby escalator. “In just a few days, you will look like a million dollars.”

Now, I know this young man didn’t intend to insult me, but his lack of finesse put me off his cosmetics before I could even give them a chance.

This is not the first time I have experienced clumsy, inept sales pitches in a shopping mall. Just a few months ago, I was walking by a kiosk that sells ladies undergarments when a young woman shoved a brochure beneath my nose.

“Would you like to try our new body girdle?” she said, and then pointed at an item on display. “It will make you look slimmer, instantly.”

I stopped. The last time I checked, I wasn’t overweight.

“You’re trying to sell me a girdle?” I asked.

“They come in three colours: black, white and …”

“Have you even looked at me to decide if I might need a girdle?”

“Today, we’re having a special offer.”

“But I don’t need a girdle,” I said.

“Everyone can benefit from the special fabric that this girdle is made from,” she said, oblivious to my comments.

I began walking away.

“This is the same fabric used to make the spacesuits for the astronauts on Apollo 13,” she proclaimed, as I rounded a corner and walked out of earshot.

Worse still are the sales personnel, usually working in department stores, who have no idea about the products they are supposed to be promoting.

“Excuse me, Miss, could you give me some information about this oven?” you might ask. “Is it gas or electric?”

“I’m not sure,” the uninformed assistant might say.

“Do you have any other models?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Is there anyone else here who might be able to help me?”

“Yes.”

“Good. May I speak to that person?”

“He’s on his lunch break.”

“Okay. When are you expecting him back?

“I’m not sure.”

“Are you sure of anything?”

“Maybe you want to look at our televisions. They’re on special offer.”

Then, there are the sales personnel who refuse to let you browse quietly on your own.

The last time I walked into a clothes boutique, before I’d even had a chance to survey the place, an eager assistant was at my side.

“Can I help you?” she asked, enthusiastically.

“I’m just looking,” I said.

“How about a dress?” she said, pulling a floral frock from a rack.

“I’m just looking,” I repeated.

She’d obviously translated that to mean that I didn’t like floral prints, because a few seconds later, she was shaking a striped dress in front of me.

“If you don’t mind, I’d just like to look,” I said.

“If I need your help, I’ll look for you.”

Ignoring my request, she then presented me with a pair of leather trousers.

“How about these?”

“But I’m not looking for trousers.”

“I think they would look nice on you.”

I then used a new app on my smart phone that caused the woman to be ejected through the roof and into outer space.

Or at least, that’s what I wanted to do.

I just hope she’s wearing more than a girdle made from Apollo 13 spacesuit fabric, as I suspect she might need it in the future.

Check out Mary on Facebook at www.facebook.com/mary.schneider.writer. Reader response can be directed to star2@thestar.com.my.

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