WHEN you kick the bucket, how many people do you think will show up for your funeral? One? A bitter ex-spouse who’s checking to make sure that you’ve really gone. A few close family members and friends? The entire neighbourhood?

If you live your life with few friends, possibly as a result of being a miserable, mean-spirited person, or because you’re a loner, or because you didn’t take anyone’s advice about your halitosis, you can’t possibly expect hordes of people to take half a day off to attend your ultimate going away party.

Personally, I’m not bothered about the number of people who might or might not come to my funeral. I’m planning to throw a party with good food, wine, music, dancing … but even if no one shows up, what’s it going to do to me? Kill me?

However, it seems that some people are so concerned about the expected number of mourners at the funeral they happen to be organising for a deceased relative that they will gladly fork out money to hire professional mourners to give the impression that the dear-departed was hugely popular.

Status symbol

In some parts of the world, professional mourners have been around for centuries. They are hired to weep and wail during a funeral, usually to show respect to the deceased, but also as a sign of status.

For example, in China, the Association for Chinese Funeral Culture states that the children and grandchildren of the dead must express their grief in a noisy manner, and with plenty of tears, before the burial.

I’m not one to meddle with anyone’s traditions, but I have to wonder what’s going on in faraway England to warrant the establishment of a company called Rent a Mourner, which supplies “Professional, discreet people to attend funerals and wakes.”

It seems that Rent a Mourner can help you “if you simply need to increase visitor numbers or introduce new faces.”

For about RM210 a professional, polite, well-dressed individual, who has been fully briefed on your life, will mingle with your bona fide mourners for two hours, while looking suitably grief-stricken.

Now it’s one thing to have professional mourners at a Chinese funeral, where everyone knows that they’ve just been rented for the occasion, but the English version seems a little creepy and deceitful.

Imagine if you will the following scenario.

Bona fide mourner (BFM): “It was so sudden losing Uncle Jack like that.”

Hired mourner (HM): “Yes, very sudden.”

The HM dabs a tear away from the corner of his eye, and then blows his nose loudly.

BFM: “How did you know my uncle?”

HM: “We used to work for the same charity.”

BFM: “Really! I didn’t know he did charity work.”

HM: “Yes, he was one of our most active members.”

BFM: “No disrespect to the dead, and I did love my uncle, but he was always a bit of a stingy @#$%&*. I’m surprised by this revelation.”

HM: “Real charity is anonymous, or so your uncle used to say. I guess he didn’t like to talk about it outside the organisation.”

BFM: “What is the name of your organisation?”

The HM lets out a loud sob and mumbles something as he dabs at his eyes.

HM: “He was such a great man, and loved by everyone at the organisation. He will be sorely missed.”

BFM: “I had no idea. In fact, I suspect most people weren’t aware of his philanthropic nature. Would you be willing to say a few words to everyone here about his work?”

The HM begins sobbing loudly, and then pulls himself together again.

HM: “I’m not sure if I can compose myself enough to do that.”

BFM: “I’m so sorry. That was a little insensitive of me.”

HM: “Thank you. I’m just feeling extremely bereft now.”

BFM: “Of course. How about you come over to my place for dinner next week? I would love to hear more about my uncle’s charity work.”

HM: “I would like that very much. Thank you.”

Just then the HM receives a message on his handphone. It’s from Rent a Mourner to say his two hours are up.

HM: “I’m sorry, but I have to go. There’s an emergency at the charity.”

As the HM heads for the door, he is followed by a dozen other HMs leaving behind a handful of bewildered BFMs, who have all heard similarly exagerated tales about the deceased.

“Did you know that Uncle Jack was nominated for the Nobel Prize for Mathematics a few years back?” says one BFM.

“And he scaled Mount Everest, three times,” says another.

“And Mother Teresa was on his speed dial,” says yet another.

Meanwhile, the HMs are making their way to yet another funeral to swell the numbers and extol the virtues of another deceased.

It’s enough to make you sob, hysterically.

Check out Mary on Facebook at www.facebook.com/mary. schneider.writer. Reader response can be directed to star2 @thestar. com.my.

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