Sweet treat: Candy is sometimes given away to those who despite their hard work, do not emerge as champs in competitions.

There are times when we don’t win despite giving our best but instead of being angry and frustrated at the odds against us, we should be pragmatic and move on.

I HAVE never been sure whether the need for humans to compete against each other or sometimes against themselves comes out of a gene that has been coded in our DNA or whether it has been socially constructed.

Whatever the case, the term “healthy competition” (even if it is often not very healthy) has become so clichéd that we toss it about as carelessly as if it were one of the basic essentials of living.

Compete or get left behind. Com-pete or become extinct. Compete or die.

To those who subscribe to the survival of the fittest paradigm, this is possibly true and to an extent, the need to compete has seeped into our beings and become so much a part of us that we don’t even feel it as something out there anymore.

The unexpressed sentiment seems to be that if you are human, then you are already a competitor.

And so from the time we come out lustily screaming for air, draw our first breath and seek to fulfil our need for sustenance, shelter and even love, we become part of the world competition.

The struggle to grow, to develop, to get ahead.

The struggle to just be what you were meant to be.

Consciously or not we ingrain this in our children, our families, in those who work for us and those whom we teach.

At times class positions are important because they tell you where you stand in relation to others.

Grades are important for the same reason and even when it is not measured against what is considered the “norm” or a set of predetermined criteria, it could nevertheless be a form of measurement against one’s own potential.

Again it is a form of competition and as is the case in all competitions, there are always winners and losers.

Talking about losers

The term “loser” itself has, in fact become almost politically incorrect. We shy away from using that word due to the connotations it brings.

It is a harsh word, one that shows a certain “sub-standardness”, a lack of competence, or of measuring up to a pre-determined criterion.

And yet in a competition of any kind the plain truth is, where there are winners, there always have to be losers as one group defines the other.

School teachers who have had to train, or lead school teams to participate in various interschool competitions know this only too well.

There are of course teachers who play only a cursory role in the training of school teams due to other pressing commitments, a lack of expertise in the field, mismatch of skills and allocation of duties or just plain apathy and lack of interest.

“Chances of the team winning are one in a million so why bother,” they reason and depending on the expectations of those above them, this kind of argument may not be completely invalid.

On the other hand, there are teachers who invest so much of their time into the training and preparation of their team that they begin to take a form of ownership.

And though they stand the risk of feeling defeat so crushingly, it also means that the taste of potential success would be that much sweeter.

But what do we tell students or a team when they don’t win a competition into which they have put their heart and soul into, and have had high hopes of winning?

What do you say when although you know decisions are subjective, deep down you feel that your team has been given an unfair deal?

When the faces of those you lead look to you in disappointed bewilderment waiting for answers or explanations, what do you say to them when you yourself have none?

While it is easy to rejoice, be jubilant and even acknowledge another non-winning team’s commendable efforts, the words that we need to say to our own team that has lost a competition, may be that much more important and need to be weighed carefully.

This is the time perhaps when our training in educational psychology, instinctive knowledge of human emotions and plain empathy have to kick in.

We need to put our own disgruntlements aside and say the right things to our students in order to make them know that there is a difference between losing a competition and being losers.

But perhaps both teachers and students need to be reminded that the disappointment or frustration they feel, no matter how unpleasant, may not necessarily be a bad thing because it is a reflection of how much effort, determination and resolve they have put into it.

It may in fact, be a reflection of the kind of people they themselves are. It is whether they are the kind who immerse into something with all their heart, and are ready to experience both the joy of victory and the pain of defeat, or whether they are the kind who stand back and decide to get involved, only if there is sure victory and possibility of personal glory ahead.

The truth is that it is only those who have genuinely striven for something who are capable of feeling both the joy of victory and the pain of defeat keenly, and so feeling the pain of defeat may be in fact an indicator of your own worth as a competitor, as a trainer or as one who is truly involved with the team or with the students, or the competition itself.

And yes, the only true losers are the ones whose choice of not participating has been driven by only one reason — the fear of losing.

Healthy competition

But what about those who are convinced that there is no such thing as “healthy competition” and that the phrase itself is a myth perpetrated by those who constantly need to be number one, on top of others in order to feel good about themselves.

Competition, they say is born out of a selfish need to suppress, to conquer and some form of inner insecurity that confirms an individual’s self-worth only when they are better than someone else in some way.

This is what they believe propels the race to be stronger, faster, fairer, darker, taller, smarter, higher, richer, more creative, in short, to be better in some way than the other person.

The only true competition they believe should not be in pitting ourselves against others, but has to be a measurement of what one has achieved against his own potential.

This what we need to get across to our students and the teams we train for competitions.

What is more important than achieving good grades is whether they have given their personal best and this is what winning should be all about. It is in the measurement of the attempt.

This is also what they will carry with them into the next phase of their lives, as adults in the work arena and in leading their own families.

While our schools are so concerned with making winners and moulding champions, perhaps we have ignored another important truth and that is how to deal with situations when they lose.

There is so much concerted effort in teaching them to achieve, to succeed and while this is definitely what we should strive for, perhaps we need to take a step back at times, view the situation a little more objectively, and remember that in the midst of winners, there are bound to be those who don’t win.

How do you cope with disappointment, with failure, with the crashing of dreams and hopes?

And how do you as a contender put your own disappointments aside and genuinely support someone else who has been chosen over you to represent your school in some major competition?

There may be some who feel that the word “lose” should not be in their vocabulary.

The possibility of not winning reflects pessimism they argue, and therefore should not even be acknowledged.

And so our students are only taught to deal with success, forgetting that not everything in life is hunky dory.

We forget that by so doing we may have consciously or otherwise dealt them a grave injustice by not preparing them for the realities of life and situations where they may not turn out to be on the winning side.

Winning is a great feeling, it is fun, it is euphoric, it is fantastic. Almost everyone plays to win but the truth is sometimes we don’t.

And perhaps it is how we handle those non-wins that determine the fineness of our character and maturity, even more than winning.

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