Thursday November 1, 2007
Acerbically alliterative
By LYDIA TEH
WORD’S UP, EH POH NIM?
Nov 1, 2007
MA HAS been pestering me about men again, or rather, the lack of men in my life. Cousin Chin is getting married in two weeks’ time and Ma dreads facing the usual barrage of questions from nosy relatives during the wedding dinner.
She has tried to matchmake me countless times and, judging by her latest recommendation, she must be getting desperate. For crying out loud, how could she even consider the technician who fixed our fridge compressor? As if she didn’t know I prefer somebody more intellectually aligned to me, not that I have anything against fridge repairmen.
Let’s see if I can remember the men she tried to hook me up with. One day when I’m wrinkled and wry, I’ll read this journal for a good laugh.
1. The mumbling manager
He was Ma’s childhood friend’s nephew. Ma got to know about him from a chance encounter with her friend at the pasar malam. It turned out to be a disaster date as I couldn’t make out what he was mumbling throughout dinner. Luckily, the scrumptious sirloin steak made up for the crummy conversation.
2. The doctor’s daughter’s smelly tuition teacher
Ma bumped into the teacher at the clinic. As usual, she quickly initiated action and by the time he recovered from his flu, she arranged for us to meet. The teacher looked like an Asian Christopher Reeve but his bad breath stank to high heaven. It smelled like rotting rubbish! I wonder how his pupils could stand him. Perhaps they wore face masks to class. According to Ma, he probably ate plenty of raw garlic that day. And you know how they make your mouth smell, she said. No way. I’m convinced he had a severe case of horrid halitosis.
3. The sinseh’s sister’s soap-crazy brother-in-law
While getting her regular supply of dong kuai, kei chi and red dates from the Chinese medical hall, Ma found out that the sinseh’s sister’s brother-in-law was back from Singapore where he worked as an engineer. I had a sore throat and didn’t feel like a dinner date, so Ma arranged for the guy to visit us in our home. He came while we were watching Taiwan Ah Seng on TV. After the introductions, he practically ignored me and devoted all his attention to the idiot box. After the show, he talked animatedly to Ma about his favourite Korean soap, Jewel in the Palace, and how much he adored its leading actress, Lee Young-ae. Anyone who finds soaps stimulating is not my type. Lee Young-ae can have him.
4. Jane’s twitchy neighbour
When Jane visited us last Chinese New Year, Ma interrogated her on the single men she knew. And it so happened that a beefy bachelor had moved in next door to her. His Merz and a top position in a multinational propelled him to the ranks of extreme eligibility, according to Jane. We met at a hotel lounge. He spewed general knowledge like a fountain and behaved gentlemanly. But I couldn’t stand his tic. Every few seconds, his eyes twitched. The first time it happened, I thought he was winking at someone and turned around to see who it was. He apologised for his troublesome twitchy tic. Towards the end of our date, I felt myself blinking along with him.
5. The arrogant accountant
When Poh Lun’s colleague came over to give her a ride to their company’s annual dinner, Ma’s nimble nosiness resulted in another hapless date. He was the colleague’s brother, an accountant-cum-insurance agent who was a bigger jerk than Pretentious Pompous Paul from my office. This bloke took the cake. From start to end, it was I-I-I all the way. I’m a member of the million-dollar-round-table. I went to Switzerland for a holiday. I only buy original Rolex. On top of that, he was so bald I could see my reflection on his sweaty scalp. One date with a bald brash braggart is enough to last me a lifetime.
NB: Alliterations are cool. I love the repetition of the initial consonants. Reminds me of tongue-twisters:
– She sells sea-shells on the seashore.
– Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
– Betty bought butter but the butter was bitter, so Betty bought better butter to make the bitter butter better. (This is my favourite. I could outlast Poh Lun by 50 times in our tongue-twister challenge.)
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