Sunday July 5, 2009
Stuck with the stigma
I’M 28 and I have mental disorder. The diagnosis is bipolar underlying borderline personality disorder. I got this disorder last year, after years of medication and being in and out of hospital. I come from a dysfunctional family. My parents always say, “If you’re not happy, get out.” My father even said I deserved to be sick because I didn’t move out earlier.
My family members have been very mean to me from the start, and their behaviour didn’t change when I got seriously ill. That’s why it’s always hard to talk about my family problems. The conclusion is always, “There’s something wrong with me. I must change. I’m the bad one.”
Right now, I just want to hold a job and be independent. The problem is I have no self-esteem and panic very easily. Some ex-supervisors thought I was dumb, but I know I’m not. It’s just that when I get nervous I can’t think properly and my mind goes blank. My medication had serious side effects – I gained a lot weight. It doesn’t help that my parents keep saying that I’m fat and ugly.
I have been unemployed for a year and don’t have money. All my life, I’ve wanted to be independent and be free of my family, but I got sick. I am disappointed with them, but more so with myself. I’ve attempted suicide many times. I tried talking to the doctor but she only prescribed more medication and said, “You’ll get better, have confidence.”
I have no friends to confide in. Who wants to be friends with a nut case like me? Even my siblings just let me be because they are preoccupied with their own lives.
The mental stress is so heavy that I experienced chest pains. I took an ECG and the results were fine. The GP told me to take it easy.
Lately, the words of Sylvia Plath – “I feel there’s nothing between what’s in front of me and behind me” – keep playing in my head. All the people I know who suffer from depression kill themselves in the end.
I’m all alone. I just wish I have more courage and strength in me to be stronger. I need to master the willpower to live a life that will make me happy. If only we have support groups, like in the West. But all that mental patients have in Malaysia is stigma.
Damaged
YOU must continue with medical treatment or your emotional health will deteriorate further. Bipolar can be contained with medication and there are many people with the same problem who live very normal happy lives. So do not despair.
Do not live with the “mental” stigma. You are coherent and know exactly what you are doing. You have worked before and could get along with colleagues. Although you suffered certain difficulties, learn to write things down so you do not forget. Have a system at work so you have a point of reference. There are many things you can do to avoid the “blank mind” issue.
Be confident and tell yourself that you are capable of many things. Thoughts of death and suicide will only hamper your recovery so do not dwell on such negative thoughts. Since you are currently unemployed, surf the Internet to link up with support groups or individuals with bipolar.
Sharing experiences and problems will allow you a better understanding of what you are going through.
If you cannot get along with your mother, talk to your siblings. They may be busy but they should be able to make time for you occasionally.
And do not be afraid to call up friends or ex-colleagues with whom you had good times. True friends would understand and empathise, so do not shy away from people who can help you be better and happier.
Do not retreat from life. Relish in being young and alive. Source for help and have hope that you can lead a normal life. People suffering worse illnesses have managed to fight and live long and fruitful lives.
Do not give up on yourself. Find the strength to make the days ahead worthwhile and challenging.
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