Circumstances may lead to homosexuality
By EMMELINE TANJoe Ang has horrid memories of his toddler days. His babysitter, who was his mother’s friend, used to lock him in the toilet with cockroaches for company. At other times she made him kneel in front of the altar the whole day.
Joe, now 22 and a customer service executive, also remembers how she rubbed chilli powder on his lips and caned him for no reason.
She also brainwashed his mother and told awful stories about him. His mother believed her friend and meted out similar treatment at home. Other family members could not understand why Joe was rude to adults. Joe had no respect for adults as a result of the abuse he suffered.
Only his father was there to protect him and Joe found his security in him.
In primary school, Joe only mixed with the girls. He enjoyed playing with their toys. People thought he was weird but nobody realised there was a deeper problem.
When he was 13, Joe had an encounter at a public swimming pool that frightened him – a man had secretly touched Joe’s private parts, and he was aroused. “I started dreaming of having sex with guys and there was no one I could talk to about my problem,” says Joe.
As he grew older, Joe took an interest in men’s bodies. At 17, he started surfing the Internet to find out more about homosexuality. There he met gays who encouraged him to indulge in homosexuality.
“Their words didn’t help me but one day, I met a guy while chatting on the Internet. He seemed sincere. We kept in touch and one day, I confessed my feelings to him.
“The relationship lasted a year and a half. I didn’t realise that I had a barrier towards women as a result of the abuse I received.
“I felt I couldn’t provide security for a girl and I was craving for security myself.”
A relationship with another guy he met in Kuala Lumpur didn’t last either because the guy was only looking for a fling and didn’t really care about him.
“I was so depressed and I wanted to die. I wasn’t fitting in with the guys in school because they were into things like football. I didn’t know who I was. My own mother cursed me.
“I would walk in the middle of the road when going to school, hoping a car would run me over. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong. It was hell for me.”
Joe has now reached a stage where he is saying “no” to other guys. Though he had a girlfriend before they broke off recently, he still found himself attracted to a male colleague. “As I got to know him better, I started to see his faults and realised that it was not a crush, but a temptation,” says Joe.
Jiv Raj, a 22-year-old student, also had a strained relationship with his mother. To this day, he still bears a lot of resentment towards her. “My parents’ marriage was an unhappy one, and my mum took out her disappointment on her kids. She was harsh and had a nasty temper whereas my dad was the mild sort who kept quiet most of the time while my mum did the talking. She wore the pants in the family.
“I don’t find myself sexually or romantically drawn to women although 80% of my friends are females. I’ve realised that it’s because of my barrier issue towards women. I lacked female love in my life.
“When I was eight or nine, I enjoyed looking at pictures of body-builders in magazines. The men in my neighbourhood fascinated me, too.”
Jiv had his first sexual experience with a classmate when he was 12. When he left for further studies in Australia, Jiv let his hair down.
“In Australia, everyone is okay with homosexuality and they were supportive of what I did. When I was doing my pre-university studies in Malaysia, I told my coursemates that I was gay and they said it was no big deal. But I had this fear of being found out.”
Jiv had as many as 10 gay partners during his two years in Australia. But one day, his parents got wind of it from Jiv’s former college-mate in Malaysia.
“My mother was horrified and tried to get me to see a counsellor in my university but over there, they were very pro-gay.”
Jiv’s mother managed to keep the secret for a year, but when relatives in Australia heard about it, his parents decided to bring him back to Malaysia. They drove him down to Malacca one day to get help from Real Love Ministry.
“I thought my parents were crazy and backward when they dragged me to see Edmund Smith. But now I realise that it is circumstances that have made me this way. I have many gay friends and I can see how their backgrounds have influenced their lifestyles.
“I’m currently celibate but I’m still attracted to those of the same gender. I’m living in the hope that, one day, I’ll be able to change.”
Jazlyn Chee, 19, ran away from an abusive mother and was sent to Gracehaven, a home in Singapore for children and teens who have committed a crime or need shelter. The other girls were mean to her and she didn’t feel accepted until one day, she met a house-parent, Amanda Perumal (Smith’s wife), who treated her well.
“I started to depend emotionally on her and was jealous when others talked to her. So I decided to become a butch to pursue her,” says Jazlyn. “I showered her with gifts but one day, I saw a picture of her with a man. I was heartbroken when I found out that he was her husband.”
Jazlyn later got close to her roommate in Gracehaven and they began to date for a couple of months. But Amanda started reaching out to Jazlyn and told her that she would accept her as a god-sister. They started to share a deep platonic relationship and over time, Jazlyn began to embrace her identity as a female. “I’ve discovered I am prettier now compared to the past and I now appreciate the fact that I am created to be a woman.
“There are realities in life that everyone has to face. We have to accept the things we cannot change. When I knew that Amanda was married, I couldn’t change that fact, but I had to change myself by facing the truth. If I continued to desire her in the wrong way, I would hurt myself more deeply.
“I am happy to share a deep platonic relationship with Amanda and have even started to date guys.”
Jazlyn is now a kindergarten teacher and is in charge of Real Love Ministry’s work in Singapore.
Though Erie Teng, 23, has never led a homosexual lifestyle, he admits to having a gay orientation. Erie had grown up being rejected by his mother as she thought he had brought her back luck – she lost her job soon after Erie was born. He was often the target of her anger and frustration, receiving more caning compared to his older brother.
Erie felt that something was not quite right with him as he was attracted to macho-looking men.
“I didn’t get much love from home, and though I can be close to girls, I treated them as my sisters and nothing more. When girls showed an interest in me, I ran away from them,” says Erie.
“I’m resolving my vacuum issue by sharing a deep platonic relationship with men. I’ve learnt that men can love each other deeply in the right way. Most gays have a terrible vacuum issue that causes them to search for love and they get confused between love and sex.
“Resolving the barrier issue isn’t just about getting a girlfriend. It also revolves around how a man should treat, and react to, the opposite sex,” adds Erie.
All names have been changed to protect the individuals’ identities.
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