Helping homosexual persons resolve long-standing issues
By EMMELINE TAN"When I was a little boy, my father clearly showed that he preferred girls to boys. He hugged my female cousins but never me. So I started telling myself that I wanted to have breasts.”
Edmund Smith, 34, spent 11 years of his life living a homosexual lifestyle. He could not overcome his sense of wanting to be a female.
“If you think I’m soft now, you should have seen me 10 years ago,” says Smith who is the founder of Real Love Ministry (RLM), a Malaysian NGO that works with homosexuals.
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The goal of Real Love Ministry is to help homosexuals resolve the three issues in their lives, namely, the self, vacuum and barrier issues, through a programme called 'The Seasons of Recovery'. Smith’s debut album, Wake Up was released recently. |
“I was so thrilled that this man wanted to be my friend,” recalls Smith, who is of British-Portuguese parentage.
“He was not the real solution to my problems, but he helped me to resolve issues I had with my gender. He told me that I could be gorgeous as a guy.
“There could be many influences that lead someone to a homosexual lifestyle, but only three specific triggers without which a person will never enter into such a lifestyle,” says Smith.
“The first trigger is the issue of ‘self’. There could be something about yourself that you hate, be it your gender or your appearance. A butch, for instance, is a woman who binds her breasts, puts on weight and walks in a manly manner as she is disgusted with her femininity.
“I had clients who refused to look in the mirror. I had to force them to look at themselves and I told them that they were pretty.
“Parents have a responsibility to not instil gender issues in their children, like telling their daughters they are not pretty.
“Gays are not necessarily ah kuas (transvestites). There are gay guys who are very macho and manly. Effeminate gays or lesbian butches have an issue with their gender.
“The second trigger is the ‘vacuum’ issue. It is when you want to ‘suck’ another man or woman into your life,” explains Edmund who adds that a vacuum issue is related to a lack of parental love.
“Everyone needs the ‘V’ love. A mother’s love flows down one side, and a father’s love flows down the other, and a child needs both parents’ love. Most gay guys have never had a father’s love.
“The third trigger is the ‘barrier’ issue. It is either a barrier towards people of the same gender, the opposite gender, or both. Many straight people, however, may also have any of those issues without feeling any attraction for people of the same gender,” Smith points out.
Breaking up with his third and last lover when he was 24, Smith finally decided that he wanted more than the temporal pleasures that his gay relationships offered him. He sought help from Choices, a Singapore-based organisation which reaches out to homosexuals, and finally broke free from homosexuality. Today Smith and his wife, Amanda Perumal, have a baby girl, with another on the way.
Although Smith had been involved in community work ever since he was 13, working with the Canossian nuns in spreading adult literacy, it was only in 1997 that he and his wife received proper training at Choices for their work with gays.
In 1999, Smith and Amanda felt the need for a similar organisation for the gay community in Malaysia and that was how RLM was birthed.
RLM was set up in Malaysia in 2003 under the umbrella of Stamp, another NGO working with sidelined people groups. Smith hopes, however, that RLM will be able to stand on its own by 2006.
“The goal of RLM is to help homosexuals resolve the three issues in their lives, be it the self, vacuum or barrier issue,” says Smith. “They learn how to identify, deal with and overcome the issues affecting them as they move through a programme called The Seasons of Recovery. Different issues are dealt with one at a time according to the season a member is in. A member must graduate from one season before he moves on to the next.”
Season One is the “educational season” which is the first step for all members who join RLM. Each member is assigned a “befriender”, a trained RLM worker who will spend personal one-on-one time with him. A member will be asked to answer questions on a form pertaining to his sexual lifestyle from time to time but need not make any changes to his lifestyle if he doesn’t want to. But to graduate from this season, the member must overcome any “self” issues he may have regarding his appearance or gender.
Season Two is the “celibate season” during which the member must abstain from sex and romance. No long-term relationships; no one-night stands. A member is to focus on deep platonic relationships (DPR) which are deep, non-sexual friendships as the only solution to resolving his “vacuum” issue.
“Women find this season easier as they are naturally inclined towards developing close relationships, and society finds it easier to accept women in such friendships, too,” says Smith.
“Men are more sexual beings but they too need love and appreciation from people of the same gender. Take a cold shower or get busy with things that interest you to get rid of your strong urges,” Smith advises.
Season Three is the “dating season” during which a member goes out with those of the opposite gender as a way of resolving the barrier issue. Dating, however, is not equivalent to a long-term relationship.
“Those who continue to have barrier issues can never go further than having a DPR,” explains Smith. “They can only pretend to date, but will not be romantically involved.”
Season Four, the final stage, is ‘the “marriage season” in which a person is committed to a long-term relationship. He/she moves from being boyfriend/girlfriend to being a spouse, and then finally a parent.
“A homosexual must go through the first three seasons before he is allowed to entered the fourth. The first three seasons are aimed at helping the individual to resolve the issues of self, vacuum, and barrier. If these issues remain, a homosexual has not completely recovered and if he tries to enter into marriage, he is only living in denial. He may also return to homosexuality or worse still, become bisexual.
“A homosexual’s key to freedom lies in resolving these three issues. Upon recovery, a homosexual is then able to choose marriage if he wishes to, which is the fourth season,” says Smith.
“Some well-meaning people tell homosexuals to start dating those of the opposite gender as a means to get rid of gay tendencies. They don’t understand the three issues plaguing a homosexual’s life.
“RLM is not an organisation that forces people to change. If you are still gay but want to experience real love from us, we will love you.
“Homosexuals may seem to be ‘enjoying’ it, but there is no real joy in their lives. Gay yet unhappy. Being a person who has tried both, I testify that being straight is more enjoyable.
“It is difficult for two people of the same gender to be in a relationship. Men are physical, and sex is the main thing on their minds. Women, on the other hand, are emotional beings.
“Two keys or two keyholes don’t open a door,” adds Smith. Apart from running RLM with his wife, Smith is also a performing artiste. He recently released his first album entitled Wake Up, for which he drew inspiration from his years of community work with the mentally disabled, hearing impaired, illiterate adults, those with AIDS, and homosexuals.
Real Love Ministry is run by volunteers, both gay and straight. There are branches in Penang, Perak, Kedah, Selangor, Johor and Singapore, apart from Edmund Smith’s base in Malacca. For more information, contact edmundasmith@yahoo.com or 016-680 9996.
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