Monday February 6, 2006
The single life
By S. INDRAMALAR
REBECCA Yew, has been dating her present boyfriend for the past three years. They don’t talk about marriage but that’s the way the 35-year-old architect likes it.
“I love my boyfriend very much and don’t see myself spending my life with anyone else. However, I am really not ready for marriage. I love my life as it is. I enjoy my work, I love travelling and sometimes spend a month backpacking on my own. Most of all, I love the freedom of being able to do what I like whenever I like.
“I know, that even if I have the most understanding husband in the world, I will have to curtail some of my pursuits after getting married. I am not ready for that ... maybe in five years, when I have exhausted my yen for travel and adventure,” says Yew.
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Loh Yin San left) wants the freedom of being able to play futsal every Tuesday like she does now even after she’s married. |
“I work and also have activities which I am not willing to give up. For example, I play futsal every Tuesday. If I were married, I am sure I would not be able to play every week, as I would be expected to devote my time to my family before myself.
“Unfortunately, even in this age, wives are expected to sacrifice their activities to manage the house while husbands still play football or golf with their buddies every week!
“I am not against marriage or men. If I find and fall in love with a man who won’t stop me from my pursuits, I would love to get married,” she says.
Like Yew and Low, more and more women are putting off nuptials either to concentrate on their careers or their own personal development. This issue was recently highlighted in a Malay daily which quoted statistics from Universiti Malaya’s Family Development Centre that 70% of professional women in their 30s and 40s were single.
Businesswomen, lawyers, doctors, engineers, accountants and journalists – women permeate all fields now and are often, by their 30s, thriving and earning well. Financially independent, confident and accomplished, marriage seems to be less of a priority for single women in the valley.
Says Michelle Rajah, 28: “Marriage? Maybe when I am 35. Right now I am too busy with work that I hardly have time for anything else. Hopefully, I will achieve what I want (work-wise) and then I won’t have to work at such a frantic pace.”
As much of their 20s is devoted to career development, many professional women prefer to put off marriage until they have achieved all their goals, says Yew.
“I feel at this point, getting married will get in the way of my career objectives,” she says.
Got money, will travel solo
Freelance photographer Marina Salim, 34, says women are in no hurry to marry nowadays as they are more independent and are able to fend for themselves.
“I think women today are able to do everything themselves. Marriage nowadays is more a partnership; couples now are friends first and foremost,” she says.
The institution of marriage, says graphic designer Jacynta Kumaran, is slowly losing its appeal among young women who see it as “infringing on” their individuality.
“When you are single, you have more control over your own life. Women these days I think want to be independent even after marriage. Unfortunately very few men here are ready to accept that,” says the 33-year-old.
Malaysian men, observes Loh, still hold very traditional views about how a wife should be.
“I think many Malaysian men still expect to be waited on at some level. Very few are ready to accept and treat women as true equals,” she says.
Adds Jacynta: “Although the level of male chauvinism is much less than in our parents’ and grandparents’ time, I think husbands still expect their wives to cook, clean, make the beds and tutor the kids. Sure, some will chip in and help once in a while but most assume these are a woman’s duty.”
Loh agrees wholeheartedly, adding that more women are opting to marry late, if at all, because they are fully aware of their options as a single, self-sufficient woman and as a wife and mother.
“Marriage is, to me, a big step because it means I would have to share a part of me with someone else. I have strived to be independent from as far back as I can remember.
“I find it difficult accepting help from anyone or even to sharing my feelings and sometimes things with anyone! I think I can cope better alone,” says Marina.
Both Jacynta and Marina say they have problems trusting men having witnessed many marriages and relationships go sour.
“I want to avoid being dependent on men because I feel they cannot be completely trusted. You hear a lot sad stories about infidelity, (wife) bullying and abuse, cheating in financial terms. It’s scary.
“I have therefore come to the conclusion that men are quite useless. I think I would like having just kids but I don’t think I could tolerate a man for the rest of my life. I know this perception is really unhealthy but I can’t help it,” says Jacynta.
Marina says that as a child, she was aware of the inequality between a husband and a wife in a marriage.
“My sister was physically and emotionally abused and that really put me off marriage. My mother got married when she was very young and just like that, a smart young woman had to be content with just taking care of her husband and her children.
“A friend’s husband left her after just one year of marriage just because she was earning more than him! It is really kind of depressing. I think that a good marriage is very rare,” she says.
Big problem or big town problem
Michelle feels that the single woman phenomenon is more apparent in big cities (particularly Kuala Lumpur, simply because of the abundant opportunities that are available.
“Career-wise, smaller towns have limited job opportunities and the pace of work is slower. There is also less to do socially and so, I guess the tendency is to get married and start a family.
“In the big cities, work is very competitive and you can’t go home at 5pm every day and expect to get promoted! We work late and sometimes on weekends too. Where is the time for family?” says Michelle.
Loh adds that gradually, single couples in the city tend to live together and therefore there is no hurry to get married.
Though more unmarried couples are opting to live together, the practice is still the exception, especially in small towns.
“I think society is slowly getting more open minded. However, I don’t think Malaysian society is ready to accept single women who want to become mothers without getting married. I guess this may be accepted in time to come,” says Loh.
Not all working gals have abandoned the idea of marriage, though. For some, the spirit is willing but the men are hiding, or so it seems.
Says Prema Rajah: “I was just so busy (in my 20s) ... time just slipped by without me noticing it. When I started work I thought I still had lots of time to think about getting married. I used to date but was not interested in long-term commitments as I was working late a lot.
“Now, in just a blink of an eye I find myself 34, single and unable to meet any compatible men. I am beginning to worry and have resigned myself to being single forever.”
No one understands how difficult it is finding a like-minded guy more than 35-year-old architect Sheila Ramani. When she was 30 and still boyfriend-less, her family suggested she meet some eligible boys from her community – casual meetings with no strings attached, or so they said.
“Usually, the guy would call, we would chat for a bit and agree to meet for dinner or something. After that, I was supposed to have the freedom to reject the guy or go out again to learn more about him. After five or six unsuccessful attempts to match-make me, my aunts became annoyed with me and accused me of being ‘too choosy’. They asked me if I was hoping for a drop-dead handsome man who will make me go weak at my knees.
“They said that as long as the boy was ‘nice’ and comes from a ‘nice’, respectable family, I should be happy.
“I really don’t understand how they can ask me not to be choosy! It’s my life we are talking about ... It’s the person I will be living with for the rest of my life.
“Marriage is serious business. I have no intention of being flippant about it,” says Sheila.
The problem, observes Yew, is because at 30 or 40, women are sure of themselves and know what they want and don’t want.
“I am definitely more confident of myself now than say 10 or even five years ago. I know what I want in a man. The good thing is, because I am so confident, I think I am able to give more of myself in a relationship,” she says.
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