Saturday November 10, 2007
A tad ‘touchy’
For those who defend their personal space, living in a crowded city like Hanoi and dealing with the physically affectionate locals could initially be an eyebrow-raiser.
SAMBAL ON THE SIDE by BRENDA BENEDICT
I must admit that I do love my personal space. Lest I be dismissed as some uptight snow queen, I must say that this only relates to those I consider strangers.
Unpleasant memories of being packed like sardines in Kuala Lumpur’s former air bandung pink mini buses come to mind. I still recall occasions when hamsap individuals would try and take advantage of the tight squeeze and lean a little too close for comfort. Hairpins were often handy “repellents” back then.
Hugs amongst friends and family are totally encouraged in my book. Ditto any physical affection between parents and children, spouses or partners. And you can see plenty of that in Hanoi. After all, the Vietnamese are often described as “an incredibly affectionate people”.
I have found this to be especially so when it comes to children. Parents have the patience of saints – even with the most hyperactive of offspring. Come to think of it, I have not yet witnessed parents disciplining their children. Even those who throw the wildest of tantrums.
The children of strangers too are indulged. For instance, foreigners dining out may find their children being carried away by the waiters. They have nothing to fear, however, as the gentlemen merely want to entertain the children.
And while many travel books advise foreign couples to refrain from public displays of affection, this is pretty much an accepted way of life at least in the city. Most of Hanoi’s scenic lakesides transform into lovers’ promenades at sunset as couples canoodle on their Suzukis or Vespas. I have nothing against them as long as they do not progress to a level that makes me squirm. However, those who consider themselves society’s moral police may see red.
Like in some other Asian cultures, same sex affection is a common sight here. Boys and girls think nothing of holding hands while walking, resting their heads against another’s shoulder or hugging each other tightly while riding a motorbike.
However this form of physical affection may need some getting used to – especially for foreign residents. There may be instances when adult strangers hold your hands while speaking to you or draw you into an unexpected embrace.
My first experience was when I was introduced to my landlady. Make no mistake – she is an absolute sweetheart. However, I was taken aback during our first meeting when we were negotiating the rent, with her firmly clasping my hand. Later, we were gently swinging hands. For a split second, I was transported back to my kindergarten playground with “Jack and Jill went up the hill” for a soundtrack!
Another time, an aunty hugged me when she overheard me attempting a conversation in Vietnamese at our neighbourhood sundry shop. She also gave me some appreciative thumps on the back as she flashed me a toothless grin.
The men are not spared either. My husband’s work is based primarily in a province north of Hanoi. If you thought the city folk were friendly enough, the people in the provinces are even more openly affectionate. As such, my husband has been subjected to hugs and hand-holding even within the workplace.
Recently, the level of physical affection went up a notch. He attended a workshop with his local counterparts. One gentleman, whom he has worked with quite extensively, was seated beside him. Throughout the session, this man constantly rubbed my husband’s thigh with his hand. Slapping it away would have been disrespectful. Yet having your thigh rubbed – by an elderly man in a suit – was no less unnerving.
Being blond makes my husband even more of a novelty. On one occasion, he was at the petrol kiosk topping up the oil for his bike. The gentleman who was manning the pumps was apparently fascinated with the blond hair on my husband’s arm. He nonchalantly started stroking the length of hubby’s hand. Not to be outdone, my husband returned the favour.
This picture of a tall Ong Tay (Vietnamese for Mat Salleh) and a petite Vietnamese stroking each other’s hands would have made a good tourism promo poster!
Needless to say, the mutual stroking was an ice-breaker and these days my husband gets VIP treatment when he goes for petrol.
Certain incidents of “affection” do raise eyebrows, however. Like the time we went out for a meal in Hoi An, and the waitress gave my husband an impromptu, and very lengthy, neck massage while taking our orders. But these are exceptions.
For the most part, I find it sweet when people warmly grasp both your hands when they meet you or when they kindly pat you on the shoulder when talking.
The way I see it, even if there is a language barrier, the body alone communicates volumes.
Brenda Benedict is a Malaysian living in Hanoi. She enjoys people-watching as it gives her fodder for this fortnightly column. She has yet to get used to people petting her hair like she was a poodle.
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