Saturday November 28, 2009

Age is just a number

By ROSE YASMIN KARIM

Older women are ignoring “robbing the cradle” jokes and following their hearts.

Cougar [koo-ger] — noun

1. A large cat, also called a mountain lion, panther or puma.

2. An Americanism to describe woman over 35 who pursue younger men.

Loving couple Joe and Aida. — KAMARUL ARIFFIN & KAMAL SELLEHUDDIN/The Star

Khalidah Adibah Ahmad, or Aida Radzwill, 52, proves that life can indeed imitate art.

At 32, Aida found herself suddenly single when her marriage ended. Thirteen years later, the actress who played the role of a woman with a younger love interest on-screen eventually found companionship with a “cub” — 13 years her junior, singer Ismail Ahmad @ Mohd Radzwill or Joe Radzwill.

So what does she think of the C-word? “That’s ridiculous,’’ says Aida. “A cougar implies I’m on the prowl. I don’t know any women who hang out at clubs hoping to meet a 20-year-old. For most women, it just happens. You fall in love and the guy turns out to be 10 years younger!’’

Having been through the dating mill, Aida was wary of warning flags that signal trouble.

“In some cases, younger men just want to be taken care of, which is a deal-breaker for me,” she says.

“That said, even an older guy can be more of a child than a younger one. I do not want to be the one cleaning up after them.”

Amongst her suitors, Joe stood out as a man who didn’t need mothering.

“He’s confident, open-minded and willing to make his own rules,” says Aida of her husband of seven years.

“The very fact that he is open to being with an older woman suggests that he doesn’t give two hoots about what other people think, all of which happen to be qualities that make for a great relationship.”

The couple first locked eyes at the KLIA departure lounge.

“I was reading my novel when Joe walked up to me to say hello. From then on, we kept bumping into each other again at different functions and the relationship just blossomed from there.”

And what drew him to his leading lady?

Says Joe, “Aida is sophisticated. She doesn’t play mind games just to stir up drama. She knows what she wants and how to get it by any means necessary which is in itself sexy,” he says. “She tells me right off if I’m behaving like a jerk. I don’t have to guess where I stand with her.”

So is there pressure on cougars to look a certain way?

Aida, who is proof that women over 50 can still look hot, laughs, “One thing for sure, you’ll feel more self-conscious if you date a younger man. You won’t eat quite as many chocolates! But I see no reason why I can’t invest a little time in looking after myself no matter whom I’m married to.”

Aida hits the gym three times a week.

She admits that it did cross her mind that Joe may one day compare her unfavourably to younger women. “But then if he were superficial, he would be with someone younger. The way I deal with feelings of insecurity is to acknowledge that we’re both attractive. We’re both going to meet interesting, beautiful people but the important thing is that we’ve chosen to be together.

Blissful union

Another couple who rebelled against ageism is Linda Jasmine Hashim, 37 and her husband, actor, Tengku Iskhan Shah Tengku Haidar or Que Haidar, 30.

“Someone introduced us at a concert. I was divorced at the time. I sized him up and in my head I went: “Nope! Sorry, not my type!” says Linda, a choreographer.

“We met again later through a mutual friend and went out with groups of people. We ended up gravitating towards each other. He made me feel comfortable. He started courting me and I ended up falling for him!

“I’ve never been one to be bothered by societal expectations, especially, when it comes to relationships. I have always followed my heart,’’ says Linda, whose mother is American.

“Age was definitely not one of my concerns as to whether we should get married or not. My worry was that Que and I are so different! We were brought up so differently, even with language — he speaks Malay and I speak English. What made me decide to get married was, of course, the same reason as always — my heart.”

Linda and Que.

During their courtship, Linda discovered that Que’s actions spoke louder than his statistics.

“Despite the fact that Que comes from a small town, he doesn’t easily get intimidated by the high flying city folk. He has strong values and a strong self-respect for himself. He has integrity which is something I find rare in men these days. He’s honest, sweet, loving, playful, uninhibited and much, much more.

“Que was quick to propose marriage. At first I just blew the subject off every time he brought it up but he was so persistent. He wasn’t afraid to pursue me.

“He swept me off my feet! And so we got married. We only knew each other for a couple of months before we decided to tie the knot. Since then, everything has happened so fast! It’s been like a fun-filled roller coaster ride! Of course there are ups and downs, but for me, this is exactly what I wanted — to experience life to the fullest.”

Linda has no trouble fitting in with Que’s crowd.

“Most of his friends are older than him. In fact, a lot of them are around my age, so I have no problem getting along with them.

“Sometimes I do wish Que knew certain songs, singers and bands of my generation but then again, there are many Malay songs, singers and bands that I’ve never heard of.

“We just accept the fact that we come from two different backgrounds, but at the same time, I think we both have fun educating each other,’’ says Linda.

And how did the cub’s mother react to meeting her?

“The first time I met his Mum, we had only started dating. At the first meeting, she gave me an earful of her concerns if we were to marry,” recalls Linda.

“I felt overwhelmed and slightly shocked but when you think about it, it was the right thing to do — no beating around the bush, she was being honest.

“Once we got everything out of the way, my mother- in-law and family accepted me whole heartedly.

“Then it was time to meet my parents! The same thing happened — my Dad was brutally honest about his concerns too! In the end, after all was said and done, I told my Dad that it wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t follow my heart, and that was that!”

To women who are contemplating dating a younger man, Linda has this to say, “Just be sure that he is first and foremost an ‘adult’ and has all the qualities that come with being one.

“He may not have as much experience in life as you, but he can always catch up. In my case, Que not only became a husband really fast, but an instant father to my nine-year-old son. And now we have a baby girl. Even I can’t imagine the major adjustments he has had to make.”

Finding acceptance

Sometimes Mr Right arrives late and in Celina H’s case, he showed up several years younger.

“James W came over to help his sister — my friend — move into a new apartment. I remember being impressed at how witty and capable he was. I bossed him around and had on an oversized T-shirt and track suit. But for some reason he fell for me,” says the 42-year-old research analyst.

Celina was full of apprehension when James made romantic advances.

“It wasn’t that I didn’t find James intriguing. He appreciated my talents and brains. I learned to cook with him and he ate everything with gusto, even the dishes I undercooked!” she laughs.

“But he was then only 27 years old, a whole decade younger than I was. I’m not Madonna. I haven’t gone for a ton of plastic surgery,” says Celina.

The other reason was economics.

“I’m used to a certain lifestyle and I didn’t know how that was going to work with a guy who had just entered the work market,” she says.

But James’ maturity and charming personality convinced her to take a chance and he rose to the challenge.

“He got a job in sales which bought the beautiful condominium we just moved into.”

What felt right to Celina and James was unusual in other people’s eyes.

“Some friends assumed the relationship was simply about sex, and told me so,” says Celina.

“My older male friends felt threatened by James,” says Celina.

“They assumed he was naive. That he didn’t read and that he’ll check himself out more than he’ll check me out. But I decided he was worth it. My friends soon realised our relationship was a happy and healthy one. And they began respecting my choice!”

“When we broke the news to James’ mother, she couldn’t hide her disappointment,” recalls Celina.

“Fortunately, for us, his father accepted the situation and eased the tension. My parents are deceased so scrutiny from my family was not an issue.

“My parents knew Celina was older, but because of her appearance, they didn’t realise how much older she was,” says James.

“They had some reservations about the age difference because I was just starting in my career. They were concerned that it would be a struggle as I would have to shoulder a lot of responsibilities.’’

Celina is the first older woman James has dated.

“Celina is a beautiful and intelligent woman. I remember telling her: ‘I feel 40 and you look 30 so that makes me older than you’.

“I know other happy couples in which the woman is several years older than the man, and I believe this trend will continue as women realise they have more options than before,” says Celina.