Wednesday July 8, 2009

Making it work

CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Parents can diffuse a potential hotspot by using the right approach.

A FATHER said to his 13-year-old daughter: “I’m sorry I snapped at you like that. I wish I had done a better job in teaching you the right values, then you might not have acted that way.” His child turned around, drying her teary eyes, and replied: “I’m sorry too. It’s not your fault. I just have not learned those lessons yet.”

This was a scene from a popular family sitcom. In real life, parent-child relationships do not always go the way they should. Sometimes parents say things they don’t mean and start pointing fingers at their children without giving them a chance to explain.

I’m sure many parents have at one time or another, asked accusingly: “Who left this mess on the floor?”

The usual response from the child is: “I didn’t do it” or “I don’t know.” Or they start blaming each other. Fights between parents and children escalate from a simple misunderstanding to a major breakdown in communication. Many parents lament the fact that their children refuse to tell the truth when they know lying is wrong.

In most cases, when parents and children argue or fight over a mess, they are really working on a bigger issue. For the parent, it is about their child taking responsibility. The child acts negatively towards his parent when he is reprimanded for leaving a mess because he wants his parent to really listen to him.

Changes in approach to the conflict between parent and child can make a difference in the results. The parent, feeling angry and blaming his child, can take a moment to evaluate his child’s behaviour in relation to his own. The parent’s accusatory tone can perpetuate the problem.

Stop making excuses. The more you dwell on what caused the child to make the mistake, the less time you have for working out possible solutions. To stop the blaming game, parents must be ready to face the challenge and deal with it the best way they can. Know exactly what you need to work things out.

One common reason parents often give is: “I am too busy to give lengthy explanations. I don’t have the time to talk to him and explain to him.”

They just want the child to apologise and feel remorse for what he did. But the child hardly learns anything from this.

You can keep your explanations to your younger child short and simple. With your teenager, you may want to take some time to listen to his suggestions on how you can work together in seeking the best solution for the problem you face.

Children can understand better when you say what you mean and mean what you say. If you want your child to wipe up the mess he has made, tell him to do exactly that. Do not say to your child: “You never listen to me. You are always so clumsy. See what you have done again.”

When your children fight, refrain from asking: “Who started the fight?” Encourage your children to find a way to get along. Be clear on your expectations. Ask your child to do things that are developmentally and age appropriate. When it is too difficult for your child, he may not be able to cope and this may lead to frustration.

Children will make mistakes. This is how they learn. They may need time to change their behaviour. Whenever possible, turn a potential problem into a manageable situation. Children can learn from the way parents act in making things work for everyone in the family.

My mother used to say: “A problem is not a problem until you call it a problem. If you are overwhelmed by your children’s misbehaviour, do time-out for yourself but do not withdraw from your children.

I used to tell my girls when they were little: “Mummy needs a five-minute break to keep quiet. When I feel better, we will talk more.”

Many family conflicts can be solved by just taking a few minutes to focus on the love between family members, instead of on one’s angry feelings.

Children respond better to messages of love and they learn more from knowing that things can work out. When things are not going right in the family, try using these words: “We need to work things out together. Let’s talk.”