A LETTER to Cecil Chao, my future dad-in-law (hopefully):

Dear dad,

First, may I call you dad?

I hope you don’t mind because like you, I don’t want to jinx things too much, but I’m just so eager to call you Daddy Warbucks.

Er, sorry, I mean Big Daddy-O.

I know a mega-loaded Hong Kong property tycoon like you typically believes in geomancy, lucky charms, no sharp corners and all that feng shui stuff to preserve your immense fortune, so let me congratulate you first on your beautiful jade fountain and the 1,000 terracotta warriors guarding your splendid mansion.

Sir, if this sounds like too little sucking up, please allow me to add also that your solid gold vacuum cleaner is equally magnificent too.

I try, by the way, to be as opulent as you to make myself worthy of your high standards.

But although there are plenty of fantastic chairs, tables and shower curtains for my own home, I just can’t find “Swedish terracotta warrior” in Ikea’s annual catalogue.

Sir, I’m writing to you for your daughter Gigi’s hand in marriage.

I know I’m a bit late in applying because she’s received thousands of proposals ever since you offered HK$500mil to any bona fide man who can win her heart since she’s, to your severe disapproval, batting for the same team.

Sir, I’m as hopeful in my late submission as I am waiting for a cheap HDB flat within five lifetimes.

All due to that old wise saying: “You always save the best for last.”

Yes, there’s a huge age gap between me and your 33-year- old kid, whom I think I’ll fondly call “You cute little something- or-other”. But I am an ideal husband for your daughter, plus the fact that my mum, who could soon be your dim sum relative, is fully behind my proposal.

So, the filial piety question that’s so important in our Asian culture is answered, and I just know that we’ll all be watching 1,000-episode HK family-drama reruns starring a young Chow Yun-Fat very happily together.

My mum says it doesn’t matter which side Gigi roots for. As long as it’s not Manchester City. Man, she really hates people who think they can do anything they like just because they have money.

I told her that Gigi’s actually a lesbian, not a football fan.

And dear mum’s so wonderfully open-minded she said that’s OK as long as, thank goodness, she’s not a thespian.

Man, she hates rich snobs who talk like they’re educated in Shakespeare’s personal drama school even more.

Luckily, you and your beautiful daughter are not like that, Sir.

My mum told me to tell you that switching teams isn’t a big deal. Look at Lewis Hamilton changing from McLaren to Mercedes. He makes car-hopping in F1 look as simple as ABC.

Future dad, I can’t wait to try that. With your cash and hope-fully mine too, we can hop from Ferrari to Porsche to Lamborghini in our driveway.

It’ll be such great father-son-in-law bonding fun, I tell you.

In time, Gigi will come to realise that folks are generally quite receptive to all types of people. Except possibly you, dad.

Now, I say this only because I love you, okay? I think you seriously need to watch Ellen DeGeneres, chill at a Melissa Etheridge concert or go to a Xena: Warrior Princess convention where you should spend a couple of million for her official whip.

The world is a big, fragmented mosaic now. So big that your old-school, lusty-heterosexual, rich dinosaur way of looking at things is just like Leon Lai’s marriage. It’s over.

You see, Pops, nobody really quibbles over the small things anymore. Unless it’s Barack Obama vs Mitt Romney in American politics or Nicki Minaj vs Mariah Carey in American Idol.

I read that Nicki threatened to “shoot” Mariah over I-don’t- know-what in the show and Ryan Seacrest fainted and smudged his foundation.

Papa, you can rest assured that as your son-in-law with 500 million beautiful HK bucks in my bank account, I pledge never to create such drama and turn holy matrimony into unholy acrimony.

I promise also to never ever go whistle-blowing like Julian Assange or make up some adult garbage like J.K. Rowling.

Your secrets are safe with me, dear future dad. I’m the “generous and kind-hearted” man you’re seeking for your daughter.

Choose me. – The Straits Times, Singapore/Asia News Network

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