Dear Thelma

MY wife had written to you, saying I’m selfish and egoistic. This is my side of the story. We met while working in the same department. I was 22 then and she was 21. Within a month, we had sex. Then she told me she was not a virgin – she’d had sex at 16 with her first boyfriend.

I felt hurt and asked if there was any other guy now. She said no. I told her not to contact her ex or any other guy if she wanted me to be her special boyfriend.

Some weeks later I saw a love letter from another guy. When I asked her about him, she said they had broken up long ago. But the letter had a recent date. Eventually she admitted she’d met the guy after her breakup.

Our relationship improved, but one day I couldn’t find her after work. A security guard told me he’d seen her getting into a car with four men. When we finally met up after midnight, she said she had been in the canteen, then her room.

When I told her what the guard saw, she got angry and wanted to go and confront him. But as we neared the guard, she pulled away, saying the men were old friends who had come to visit her and they’d gone to a hotel room to talk.

She resigned and soon after that, her roommate’s boyfriend told me she’d borrowed RM300 from him because I needed money to bail out my brother from the police lockup. When I confronted her, she apologised and said she would repay the guy. Until today, I don’t know why she borrowed the money and what she did with it, or how she paid back the loan.

During our courtship, she underwent two abortions, which I paid for. I should have dumped her then, but I was naive and stupid. She told she came from a broken home. But her mother told my mother to tell me not to contact her, and that her daughter could go out with any man she wished because we were not married.

Our relationship then deteriorated. One Chinese New Year, she wouldn’t let me go home to pray. When I insisted, she scratched my face. She got pregnant again and this time, she said it was not advisable to have another abortion. Being a responsible man I agreed to marry her. We then lived with my mother for about 10 years and all hell broke lose. To avoid more problems, I stopped her from going back to her mother’s house.

I’m very sure her family instigates her against me. We always quarrel over small things and she will show me a sour face and talk harshly just to provoke me. In retaliation, I bring up her past and that shuts her up. She cannot talk about my past relationships because I don’t have any.

She worked a few years in a law firm and her boss found out she’d being using office money. He gave her an option: pay back the RM10,000 or go to court. As her family members had no cash, she had no choice but to approach my sister. She made arrangements to repay the loan in instalments. Now she hates my sister, who had helped her out.

I asked why she had used the office money. She said it was to buy things and clothes and food for the children. I think she gave money to her family.

After she was terminated (or asked to resign), she worked in a clinic and took some sleeping pills to kill herself. But it was not life-threatening. Then she walked out with our sons and stayed with her family. Her brothers came to my house and created havoc.

She returned after a week, saying sorry and that she wanted to come home for good. I told her she came back because she had no choice – there was no space in her family’s house and they didn’t want the burden of feeding extra mouths.

She knew very well that I didn’t like her to bring my sons to visit her family. But over the years, she managed to do that and convince my three sons not to tell me. They’re all working now and are on her side.

As a father and a husband, I feel sad, angry and suspicious whenever my sons talk to her softly, as if they don’t want me to hear. Sometimes when I walk into the kitchen, they will suddenly stop talking or change the subject.

Long ago, I had hoped that when my sons started working, we could hang out and have a couple of beers together, or go camping or play a game of snooker. It’s a dream that hasn’t come true.

My good (late) friend and I used to work together. After resigning from the company, we met up occasionally for dinner or drinks. Then he suddenly stopped all contact with me. I kept calling him and finally he told me my wife had asked him not to contact me anymore or she would tell me that they were having an affair.

He said he would never do that to a friend, and added that my wife could be trusted.

When I confronted her, she denied all this. But when I said my friend was willing to meet her to confirm what had happened, she kept quiet and walked away.

Whenever she does or says something wrong, she will deny it until she’s found out before she’ll say sorry. I’ve been through this for so long, I just don’t know whether she’s telling the truth or lies.

Not Keeping Quiet

THERE are always two sides to a story. Your wife has hers and you have yours. This is not uncommon as people view things differently.

It is rather obvious that your wife is lying to you. But, have you ever stopped to ask why she has to lie? For instance, how can you stop her from seeing her own family? If you do not like her family, then you can stay away. But you should not forbid her from seeing her family.

All families are different, and each has their own problems. It is the same with your wife. If her mother was causing problems between you and your wife, then you have the right to act. But not hold her back from visiting them.

As for the other lies you have pointed out, no one but your wife can explain to you why she did what she did. However, perhaps it was your expectations – which she thought she could not meet – that drove her to lie. For instance, you expected her to be a virgin, and when she was not she had to lie to maybe protect you from the truth, or to protect herself from what she thought you would do.

You seem to hold judgment against you wife when she had abortions. Don’t you think you share some responsibility in that? Honestly, could you have handled having a child at that time? The responsible thing to do when you are in a sexually active relationship is to practise birth control.

When there is suspicion in a marriage, there can only be trouble. Your wife may have had her past, but is it fair to always judge her on that? And, to be suspicious of your sons also?

With your sons, have you tried asking them to do the things that you want? When they were growing up, did you spend enough time talking to them and making them understand you?

The situation you are in now is the culmination of years of lying and spying. You knew from the beginning what your wife was like, and what she was capable of. Yet, you continued with the relationship. It is not all your fault – from your description, she is no angel, either. However, you must take some responsibility in this.

You must have had many opportunities to take action and yet you did not.

It is not too late to fix the situation, or to make some changes. The best option is to try marriage counselling. Your sons can also be included in family counselling.

Trust is so important in a relationship, and a family. Once lost, it is very difficult to gain back. Both you and your wife have to make an effort if you want your relationship to work, and to have a shot at happiness.

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