Sunday June 24, 2012
Is he what you need, or want?
THREE years ago I met A, who is charismatic and amiable. He’s good-looking, rich and smart, a guy every girl would want. I fell in love with him but thought my feelings wouldn’t last. I was wrong.
At first A seemed enigmatic because he would not say much. But last year, I really began to understand him – he is very gregarious and I love speaking to him. We spend lots of time online and often talk till dawn. As a result, I cannot concentrate in class. I really have to study hard because I have a big exam coming up and I’m my parents’ “hope” – they want me to succeed in life.
I cannot spend a day without speaking to A. He is my best guy friend and is always there to lift up my spirits when I’m down. One day, I confessed my feelings for him. He was surprised, and told me that in future I would meet someone better than him.
My heart was shattered but I did not give up. We became closer and he began sharing his darkest secrets with me.
A says he likes and needs me, and we often have cybersex. I know it’s unhealthy but I can’t resist the temptation. We’re intimate and I enjoy every moment with him. On his birthday, I told him again that I had feelings for him. This time, he asked me to wait for him until he completes his studies.
I get very jealous when I see him talking to his colleagues. Once he asked me to go stay with him during the holidays. I did not because I didn’t want to be rebellious – my parents are strict and will not allow me to go out with a guy. When I told A that, he was furious. He said if it was love, I would go spend time with him.
I love my parents very much but I love this guy too. He is not bad; he just wants me to be there for him, but I really can’t. Whenever I speak to him, I really feel so good. He says I am beautiful and that every guy would want a girl like me.
I always lie to my parents just to speak to him. I can’t live without him. The problem is he doesn’t want to give me a clear answer about his feelings for me. He says he needs time to get a permanent job and wants to buy a house.
I don’t want to lose him. I’m willing to wait for him to accomplish his dreams but I am not sure whether he loves me and I don’t want to be hurt in the end. Besides, I don’t want to pester him or ask again and again. What should I do?
So in love
LET me start by saying that it is impossible to put life on hold when you are facing “important” things like exams. Sure, you would want as little distraction as possible but that does not mean that life and all its complexities should stop.
When you start working or doing anything else, you will find that you’ll have to juggle many things at the same time and still be expected to perform your best at the tasks you’ve been assigned. If your exams are important to you, your efforts will be better spent in time management rather than wishing that boys and relationships do not get in your way.
As for this boy, he is older than you and may have different goals. It does not mean that they are more important than you, or yours. He expects you to wait for him, but does he wait for you? It sounds like he does not.
It is normal to have sexual urges. But it is a problem when you feel pressured to do things, especially when you’re not comfortable doing them. When he questions your love for him for not spending a weekend with him, he is inadvertently pressuring you. This is emotional manipulation.
Also, if you find that you are doing these things just so he does not lose interest in you, it is not right at all. Sex is important in a relationship but you cannot use sex to keep a man, or to save a relationship.
Also, sex is not love. People often confuse the two. If someone loves you, he will not force you to do something you don’t want to.
He tells you what he thinks you want to hear – that you are beautiful and any guy would want you. But he does not tell you what you really want to hear. You want to know how he really feels about you, and you have every right to know, especially when he expects so much from you.
You are right in saying that you should not be lying to your parents. He should know that, too, and not expect you to or encourage the behaviour. Yet, his pressuring you leaves you little choice.
He does sound like he is the perfect catch, but these other issues you have raised are also important. You have to take these into consideration when deciding if he is the one for you. Maybe, what you think you want is not what you need. Not right now, at least.
You have a lot to think about – your future, your family, your parents and yourself. He should tell you how he fits into all this. If not, you are going to have to think if he should be there.