Sunday January 13, 2013
I have the same predicament as the Sad wife (Dear Thelma, Jan 6). My husband of 15 years loves to frequent pubs and converse with the GROs there, especially those from China. I feel betrayed these past 20 years.
I forgave him four years ago as the children were small then when he brought STD home. For the past four years, we have not made love and it is hard to believe that he could do it with the GRO again when I already have the evidence. How is it possible that a man cannot satisfy his wife but he can play around outside?
I cried almost every night contemplating suicide.
He has pledged that he will not do it again but I have lost all my trust. Should I file for a divorce? I am a career woman with two beautiful children. Iím staying with him because of the children and he is aware of my weakness. I am afraid to lose my children. If I file for divorce, can I get custody of my children?
In a case like yours, one should always look for evidence. There is a vast difference between just chatting with GROs and actually having a relationship with them. But then, you say you already have the evidence so this point is moot.
For four years, he has been promising to stop but he has not. And each time he falters, you are there to forgive him even when he had STD. You continue to do this because of your children, you say, and he knows this. I suppose it is clear to you that this means he has little motivation to want to change.
In a marriage, oneís emotional needs must be met in order for the person to feel satisfied in the relationship. Respect for one another is also so important. If one partner is doing things that are known to cause the other hurt, then this is by no means respectful.
While many people donít want to accept this, sex is an important aspect in a relationship. It is not just about a manís needs. Women have needs, too. Women also have sexual desires. It is not wrong to have these feelings and to express them. It is also not wrong to feel frustrated when these needs are not met.
The cards are laid out in front of you, and you have to make the decisions. You say that you remain in the marriage for the children. But, is he a good father? This is not just limited to being a provider. Does he spend constructive time with them? Do you think that he is a good role model to them? Are the children affected Ė psychologically and emotionally Ė by his actions and your unhappiness? These are things you have to consider.
You have said yourself that you are a professional and fully capable of supporting yourself and your children.
So, maybe the point about your husband being a provider is not so important here.
Consult a lawyer and find out your rights. You should discuss your options with the lawyer and perhaps, make contingency plans. This may take time, but itís worth the effort so that you can make a sound decision that will not just affect your life but also that of your children.