Sunday January 20, 2013
To have an affair ... or not
Iím married with three kids. My husband and I were virgins when we met. We didnít have any proper introduction to ďsexĒ. We did it in a straightforward manner.
As the years go by, I realise Iím unhappy with the status quo. Iím an avid reader and love reading romance books. The more I read, the more I feel like thereís something lacking in our sex life.
My problem came up when I met my husbandís nephewís friend G. Heís not cute, in fact, heís kind of shy and taciturn.
Maybe, thatís why he seems charming and different to me. In short, we became friends. At my sister-in-lawís party, he came over and joined us. I got drunk and he took care of me. Since that particular night, I have felt something for him. He gave me his phone number and we have become ďtext matesĒ.
Then, on one of those days, my husband and I got into a fight, and I got angry and left. I went to my friendís party, and later called G and told him where I was.
He was so worried about me and asked if he could join us. To make things worse, we both got drunk and G wanted to have sex with me. But I couldnít do it. Iím kind of shy, and my mind and heart canít accept the idea of doing it with him. It was like my moral conscience was working overtime. It sounds crazy but thank goodness nothing happened. But deep inside me, I wanted to, but I have to control myself.
I hope you can help me with this situation. I donít want to go against my morals and hurt my husband. But, itís been playing on my mind. I want to have an affair with G.
Itís not unusual to feel attracted to others when you are already in a relationship, or even to feel desire for them. What matters is what you do with these feelings.
Acting on them would mean a huge transgression on your part. Itís also a sure way to cause damage to your marriage, and your relationship with your partner.
There will definitely be lies. Trust will be lost. There will be hurt to all parties concerned. Of course, if you donít act on these feelings, you may end up always wondering: ďWhat if?Ē
It usually helps to think about how you would feel if your partner was in the same situation and if you found out.
With regards to your desire for this person, what is it that you are attracted to? His personality, or the possibility or hope that he may be able to offer you something that your husband canít?
When you read romance novels, always remember that they are works of fiction. There is nothing wrong in desiring growth or change when reading such books. Itís completely healthy to have sexual fantasies. And, only understandable you would want a partner to act these out with.
Whatís more important in your relationship with your husband now is communication. Start talking to him about your fantasies or what you would like to change in your sex life. Encourage him to tell you his. Remember that there should be no judging at this point. If there is something you donít want to do, draw clear boundaries.
There may be some initial shyness or awkwardness, but you have to overcome this if you want to fulfil your sexual needs and desires. Many people assume that women donít have sexual desires. Or, that married couples have boring sex lives. These are categorically untrue.
There is also nothing wrong in indulging in some role-playing, or even dating again. Many people think that marriage means the end of romance. It need not always have to be so. It all depends on the amount and quality of communication that happens in your relationship.
It is going to take some hard work, but no relationship thrives without effort.
If it helps, you can get some magazines or books that could help you communicate and state exactly what you want and how to go about it. There is even sex therapy available, but that would need a certain commitment and involvement from the both of you.
If you want to act on your desires for this other person, you must be very aware of the cost or consequences of your actions.
The cost will not just involve your husband, marriage and your family, it will also affect you. You are already feeling bad about having these feelings for this person. Imagine how you would feel if you acted on them.
Your options are in front of you. It is entirely up to you which course of action to take.