Monday December 10, 2007
Silent scream for help
By YIP YOKE TENG
Suicide is a common word in the newspapers nowadays. According to the World Health Organisation estimates, almost one million people commit suicide every year - one death every 40 seconds. In the last 45 years, suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. On the local front, the Befrienders receives 60 calls per day on average and around 20,000 calls a year. StarMetrolooks at the issue through the eyes of those who have been through the struggle, as well as those at the forefront of foiling murder attempts.
The thought flashed across her mind, she was taking it seriously. She was going to tie her four children up and let them drown in a lake. She would be with them; they were leaving this cold world together.
Lai Mooi (not her real name) was devastated; she was staring at the marriage registration form posted at the Registration Department. The form showed photos of her husband of nine years and another woman from the same neighbourhood.
“Suicide was the only way out, I thought,” she recalled during a recent interview at Kajang.
“I could not leave my children behind, they had to go with me, I couldn't bear the thought of them bullied by their irresponsible father and a wicked stepmother,” she said.
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Doing her part: Social worker Wendy Yap counselling two single mothers. |
“I was only earning a pittance working as a promoter in a supermarket. I felt that all doors had been shut, I would not survive, I would not be able to raise my four children,” she added.
She fought with the thought of committing suicide and killing all her girls for as long as seven hours, from the time she was struck with the harsh truth of her husband's infidelity till she reached home at about 5pm.
“My thoughts were jumbled up and my emotions were boiling. I thought I'd just go ahead with my plans but I wanted to confront my husband too. The news of parents killing their children also flashed across my mind. I was not interested in making headlines, but I was at a total loss,” she said.
She took a simple action; it turned out to be the best move she'd made. She called her friend and told her what happened, her friend immediately called her out for a chat.
“My friend said: stand up, be strong, raise your daughters, don't be a fool!” she said.
That cleared her thoughts and calmed her down somehow; she then sent her children to a relative's house and met the woman involved, who thought her husband was a bachelor.
All hell broke loose when her husband discovered that his lies had been found out, there was a violence outburst. Sadly, just when she abandoned her suicide thoughts, her husband took it up and committed suicide instead.
“My husband committed suicide for another woman. He cut his wrist and later drank pesticide. He was in the hospital for a week before he died. Throughout his time at the hospital he didn’t hide his hatred for me just because I stopped him from marrying another woman and having a son.,” she said.
Life took a radical turn for her - from contemplating suicide she became a victim of a spouse's suicide and she had to take on the tough role of a single mother.
“The pain was indescribable,” she said as tears welled in her eyes, “but life goes on.”
But life was hard. She worked from 9am to 10pm, her monthly income was slightly more than RM400 but she had to pay RM400 to the babysitter to look after her children. She could only afford to pay RM2 for meals everyday. Her children were ill treated by the babysitter but she could not afford to get a better one.
She took up as many as part-time jobs as she could, but still failed to make ends meet. The mounting pressure affected her temper too and she ended up letting it out on her kids.
Life pressure spoilt her temper; she often could not control herself and let it out on her children.
Outsiders could not imagine the struggle, but fortunately with the help of a social worker, Wendy Yap, things started looking better for Lai Mooi almost a year later.
Likewise, Yee Leng (not her real name), 41, had the same thought of tying her four children up and drowning in the pond with them when she found out that her husband was after a Chinese national in 2002.
Even though the worst did not happen, she did tie her children up and hid with them at home for as long as three months after the incident. Her children were aged between three and 12 years old then.
“I did not have the guts to face anyone. I lived in a small town, words spread fast, everyone knew my husband ditched me for a young girl,” she recalled when interviewed recently in Kajang.
She tried different ways to commit suicide but changed her mind at the last minute.
“I just thought: what could I do now? My children were still so young, I did not have a job...” she said.
Fortunately, her mother and brother visited her almost daily during the three months to make sure she did not do anything silly. However, she said it was a neighbour who helped her pull through.
“The old Indian lady came up to me and said: please don't ever try to kill yourself, I can look after your children and you can go out to work, please don't end your life just like that,” she reminisced as tears rolled down her face.
“I am really grateful for her, without her, I wouldn’t have been able to move on,” she added.
She then worked very hard as a house cleaner, running to several places everyday. While all this was going on, her husband and his family watched coldly and were waiting for her to fail.
However she persevered and luckily things got better after she met Yap who helped her to find a job and gave her counselling. But most importantly Yap helped her to open up and enter the society again.
Looking back, Lai Mooi and Yee Leng still shudder at their suicidal thoughts and are thankful that they didn’t go ahead with it,
Despite not earning much, they still manage and had even found the time to help others through social works.
“It's not worth dying, one just has to be strong no matter how hard it is, live on to see the beauty of life,” Lai Mooi said.
“I'm glad I didn't die, or else I won't be able to feel the warmth of this world,” Yee Leng added.
Story 2
Social worker Wendy Yap put on a voice message stored in her phone - a woman wailed hysterically, she cried: “Come back...”
It was a cry of help from a woman who plunged into depression when her husband left her. The message made Yap jump from her bed and rush straight to the woman's house.
“There's a fine line between life and death. if someone can be there at the nick of time, one or more lives can be saved,” she said.
Yap dedicated her life to social work 18 years ago after her mother died of cancer. She deals actively with single parents, troubled teenagers, underprivileged children and senior citizens. She is also the founder of Rumah Caring Old Folks Home.
The thought of committing suicide to put an end to their problems often strikes people under distress.
Therefore, it had been a routine for Yap to just drop everything she is doing and rush to the aid of anyone who seems to have the slightest inclination of ending their lives.
“The thought can be overwhelming when they are under extreme emotions. It is often destructive, too. Not only would they might end their own lives, they may even kill their own children thinking that their little ones would not be able to cope with the harsh reality,” she explained, citing the cases of Lai Mooi and Yee Leng.
“Many of them suffer from depression and other mental problems, they hear voices that injure their self-esteem and make them weaker persons, such as ‘You’re good for nothing therefore you can’t deal with simple matters like these, you’re ugly hence your husband left you...’,” she said.
“I’d ask them to fight these voices. If they hear ‘You’re ugly’, I urge them to shout back at the voice with ‘You’re uglier!’.”
The task of bringing someone back from the brink of death is time consuming.
Upon learning about someone’s suicidal inclinations, Yap often needs to spend at least three hours talking to the person to calm them down while the follow-up counselling can take up to six months.
Cases of different natures have to be dealt with accordingly. In some cases, the victims are entangled in their own narrow and misguided views.
“For instance, in a recent case, I brought a single mother to a hair salon and beauty parlour, and later bought her new bags and clothes. I then told her: Look at how beautiful you are! Why do you choose to die? She was pleased with her new look, too, and was prepared to start life anew,” she recalled.
She also brings single mothers and their children out regularly with the support from donors and sponsors.
“They share their stories among themselves, gain strength from each other to cope with life and these are times for them to open up - many of them still feel shy and shameful about their pasts,” she added.
“From my experience, there's an increase in suicide attempts, social problems and domestic violence in the past decade.
“Ironically, it is when our lives have become more comfortable. People have too much money, they are blinded by material and superficial pursuits, and they have become weak,” she commented.
Donations and sponsorships are appreciated, Yap can be reached at 012-238 0043.
The Befrienders Kuala Lumpur 24-hour hotline is 03-7956 8144/5.
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