Tuesday November 3, 2009

Teach boys to respect women

I AM in total agreement with “Polygamy not the answer, says Wanita MCA,” (Sunday Star, Nov 1).

It is alarming when no one bothers to look at the problem but only the by-product of the problem or its symptoms. So now women, single mothers in particular, should be viewed as a commodity, like a prized car or maybe in the rural areas, the prized cow. They are to be treated as mere chattels and men will be awarded for marrying them.

Wan Ubaidah Omar is the Women, Family and Health Committee chairman in Kelantan and her suggestion at the Kelantan assembly was for men to be given awards for increasing their quota which in this case is the men’s religious entitlement to four wives.

Her intention is good but she is deluded into thinking that women can be treated as mere trophies. Her statement only reinforces harmful attitudes towards women.

Her suggestion, coupled with the reaction of the men in the assembly, is a mockery of the office she chairs.

Why only treat the symptom and not the cause? It is a fact that there is an inordinately high divorce rate among Muslim men compared to the other races. Why? It is because of the Muslim man’s unilateral right to divorce his wife at will and for any reason.

His right, as far as he is concerned, is to have four wives, to demand obedience, to beat his wife, to have sex on demand and to divorce his wife at will.

We did have laws to halt this apparent ease to divorce. But when certain sections of society objected to the amended Family Law, the lawmakers buckled under pressure.

And the result? A proliferation of divorce.

Wan Ubaidah’s idea of awarding men if they were to marry these single women is no solution. It might even add to the problem. A marriage of convenience, for this is what it sounds like, will have no solid foundation based on mutual respect, trust and communication.

She also claimed that there were 16,500 registered single mothers below the age of 60 in Kelantan and this figure did not include those left in the lurch by their husbands.

One dilemma facing some single mothers in Kelantan and the country as a whole is that many could not register at the Welfare Department or related agencies because their husbands had left them without filing for divorce. How are these women (who have been abandoned) to remarry because they might be considered to be committing bigamy?

These women are not the problem; it is the men and the long-term solution is to focus on the upbringing of the males in our society. We need to change the way we bring up our little boys and turn them into mature, responsible, caring, law-abiding, brothers, fathers and husbands who will respect their fellow women and treat them with equality.

We also need to focus on building strong, long-lasting, happy relationships with a solid foundation based on trust, mutual respect and effective communication. Love, not mistaken for lust, might be a helpful ingredient.

Amend the laws so that irresponsible men who mistreat their wives will think twice about doing so. Introduce effective deterrents, not minimal fines. And amend laws that do not discriminate women in our society.

Don’t take the easy way out and tell men to take on single mothers. Why create more problems?

Just go right to the source as there is such a thing as “prevention is better than cure.” And stop using religion as a means to justify a man’s right.

MARIAM MOKHTAR,

Ipoh.

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