Sunday May 8, 2011

To work or not to work

Stories by CHRISTINA CHIN
sgchris@thestar.com.my

It's been a matter of debate since women started going out to work: Is it better to stay at home or be a working mother?

IF my hubby were a millionaire, I'd love to be a lady of leisure and not work, declares mother-of-three Anida Salwani Abdul Hadi.

Like most working mums, the magazine editor from Petaling Jaya feels guilty about leaving her children, aged between three and seven, at home despite having a reliable live-in helper.

While experts and researchers argue over whether quality parenting is more important than the amount of time spent with a child, the financial reality is that many mothers these days don't really have the option of not working. With rising costs and extra mouths to feed, it is difficult for many average families today to survive on a single salary.

Weighing options: Su Yin with her husband Danny Tan and their sons Coehn and Caden. Working keeps her sane.

Anida, who says she is used to being financially independent, was bonded to a company on contract when her firstborn came along, so quitting wasn't an option.

Despite the occasional guilt attack, Anida is a no-nonsense disciplinarian at home. She says her live-in helper is more likely to spoil the kids as the latter is grandmotherly and loves children.

“It's a challenge when I return home tired and have to make sure that the kids have done their homework,” she shares. “They are the sort who want to tell me everything the minute I get into the driveway. So no matter how exhausted I am, I make sure I listen because only after they've finished can I get some silent me' time!”

Even if finances weren't an issue and she was a full-time mum, Anida says she would still need a helper. “There's no way I can manage the kids alone 24/7. Stay-at-home mums are superheroes.”

Finance specialist Tan Su Yin, 33, drops off her two young sons Caden, two, and Coehn, one at either her parents' or in-laws' home when she goes to work, and picks them up at night. She takes care of them at night and during weekends.

“Although we have a maid, it's really a struggle juggling a career and two kids,” says Su Yin.

The hardest time for her was going back to work after maternity leave but being away from them several hours a day has made her realise she appreciates them more, she says.

Alexis Mark, 33, has no regrets giving up her job as a research scientist with a plant biotechnology firm to become a stay-at-home mother and now refers to herself as “CEO of the household”.

While some researchers in the United States claim that mothers working full-time can have a negative effect on the children's cognitive development, Alexis, who has three young children, is more concerned about character-building.

“It is important that we are there to teach the young what is right and wrong because it will be the foundation for them to rely on when they are old enough to make their own decisions. Being at home makes it easier for me to teach them good manners, which I think is lacking in many children raised by nannies or maids these days,” says Alexis who holds a computer science degree and a Masters in forestry.

Guilt attacks: Anida with her three children Khadeja, Irmy and Iqbal. She says stay-at-home mums are superheroes.

Anida admits to worrying about whether her children are eating right and the impact her absence would have on them. She tries to make up for it by doing the best she can.

“Being a full-time mum doesn't guarantee a problem-free child, right?”

A typical day for the mothers is summed up in one word busy with a capital “B”.

For Anida, the day starts with sending her eldest girl to school, followed by breakfast with her husband and youngest son. Then it's clock-in at the office and “work till I drop”.

After work, Anida rushes to send her kids to religious class and from 8.30pm to 10.30pm, it's homework for them and some free time for her in front of the television.

Like Anida, Alexis, who lives in Petaling Jaya, Selangor, sends her children to kindergarten in the morning and then goes shopping for groceries. When the eldest goes to school in the afternoon, it's time to pick up the two young ones.

“Then I'll either send them for tuition or take them swimming. It's a lot of driving around because their days are packed with activities.”

Anida says her kids have “learned to understand” why mummy can't take them to the park and has to go to work instead.

She says she refrains from making promises she cannot keep. “I avoid promising to take them places in case something crops up and I have to cancel. It's better to surprise them.”

When she had Caden, it wasn't difficult for Su Yin to decide on being a working mum because his grandparents were willing to help. But when Coehn came along last year, the thought of quitting crossed her mind.

“I decided against it because additional income is always welcomed with the ever increasing expenditure for the boys' education and insurance,” she reasons.

“Also, working keeps me sane. I am lucky that my work is flexible so I can work from home on some days. I feel the quality of time spent with the kids is more important than the quantity. If you spend the whole day being annoyed, stressed and angry at your kids, what is the point?”

Alexis, who admits to “not being very career minded”, felt it was best for the children if she stayed home. Her husband's job also requires a lot of travelling, so it was a no-brainer for her to stay home, she adds.

Alexis thinks being a housewife is a more important career than having a conventional job. “My mum used to think that I should have a job but what I'm doing now is more important. I'm raising our future generation. Hopefully, the foundation and values I have instilled will be imprinted in them forever.”

As parents, she adds, “we are fighting against the (negative) influence from so many sources such as the Internet, television and music.

“I might join the workforce some day, when they are independent. But, for now, they are my priority.”

CEO of the household: Alexis with her husband Lee Chin Fei and their children Ledron, Levant and Lerissa.

While others see being a stay-at-home mum as a 24-hour job, Alexis describes it as not having to go to work at all.

“No bosses or clients to satisfy. It's Sabbath seven days a week. Of course, being a stay-at-home mum means no additional income to splurge on myself except for pocket money' from my husband. But it also means that I don't need to work for the money that I'm spending. Isn't that nice?”

She says her biggest challenge as a full-time mum is getting sunburnt as she's out driving morning, noon and evenings, ferrying the kids around.

“Seriously, the major challenges are handling their tantrums, figuring out how to break their stubborn streak and getting them to watch less TV, or making them spend less time on the computer and iPad.

“My eldest son is addicted to computer games and the TV while my second one is a very loud crybaby. My youngest is very young and will pick up any good and bad examples she sees at home. I have learnt to handle them differently and to always remind them that I love them very much.”

With the vast business possibilities through the Internet, some mothers are mulling over working from home.

Anida is considering freelance writing but is concerned about losing a stable monthly income.

Alexis, who has always been creative since her school days, had thought of selling her handicraft online but dismissed the idea due to time constraint.

Su Yin's current job at a multi-national company enables her to work from home on some days but she is considering running an online business when her kids are older.

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Sunday May 8, 2011

To work or not to work

Stories by CHRISTINA CHIN sgchris@thestar.com.my

Stories by CHRISTINA CHIN
sgchris@thestar.com.my