When giving a speech at a wedding, keep it to between five and seven minutes as a rule of thumb, or even just three. Photo: dpa
If you find yourself preparing to give a speech at a wedding in the coming months, then keep it brief, is the advice of experts far and wide.
Don’t worry if it feels a bit counter-intuitive. Your brevity will be appreciated.
“Shortness is sweetness,” says Sarah Kiehl, who heads the Association of German Wedding Planners.
“The biggest mistake you can make is to try and include as much input as possible.”
She says keep it to five to seven minutes as a rule of thumb. But, her advice is: “Ideally, it should even be just three.”
In any case, make sure you practise at home beforehand, so you can speak as freely as possible, rather than reading it out from a page or your phone.
Try recording it on your phone as you practise, says best man adviser and author Thomas Sunder. You might shy away from the sound of your voice, but by doing so, you can be sure of how long your speech is and if you’re speaking too fast.
“Inexperienced speakers often speak so quickly that they are difficult to understand, especially when they are nervous,” he says.
Avoid looking online for inspiration and stringing together phrases you found online.
No one wants to hear a speech based on centuries-old quotes about love.
“That’s pretty much the most hackneyed and lame thing a wedding orator can do,” Sunder says.
What you want are personal and emotional words that reflect your relationship with the happy couple.
Talking about the happiness of the newly-weds is also much nicer and more appropriate.
If you are going to be speaking to a large audience, make sure long before you start that you have a microphone and – if you are planning a slideshow – test the video projector on site in the appropriate lighting conditions.
“Basically, you should try out, in advance, everything that can go wrong,” says Sunder.
There are other perils too. The groom may not want his best friend raving about his student days, when he was constantly changing partners. Guests may worry if the maid of honour presents a 30-minute slide show starting at kindergarten age.
You want to avoid embarrassing the couple, so try not to share too much information. Yes, you want the speech to be personal but don’t delve into private or intimate details.
How far should you go?
“Much depends on the party. You have to weigh things up,” says Kiehl.
With a young and very relaxed audience, it’s certainly OK to talk about the odd party escapade.
But if it is a very mixed wedding party, including children and older relatives plus say the head of department from work or representatives of the conservative service club, tread carefully.
“Saying that the bride and groom met in a bar and then spent the night together might be inappropriate if grandparents are there,” says Kiehl.
Likewise, you need not share the fact if the couple met each other on a dating app, says Sunder. It may be that the couple has no problem with this at all.
“But I’ve also seen people who didn’t want this to be publicised and then it became very awkward and embarrassing.”
Sunder should know, having assisted at more than 500 weddings as a DJ. Skip anything associated with previous marriages, failed relationships or sexual adventures, too.
“Even if you say it in jest, along the lines of ‘he needed several attempts’ or ‘she didn’t find him attractive at all’, these have no place in a speech like this,” says Sunder.
Other “no-gos” apply on the professional level too.
“As a general rule, you shouldn’t go into the person’s extreme weaknesses,” Kiehl says.
“It’s better not to remind people that the bride had to repeat a year at school or that the groom dropped out of university. As a teacher or 10 years later as a CEO, you might not want to hear that,” says Kiehl.
That’s especially true if it is not a small, very private party, but official guests are also present.
Also, go easy on the jokes. A speech should only contain positive things, in Kiehl’s view.
After all, it is a day of joy on which you only want to concentrate on nice and beautiful moments.
Playful jabs can easily come across the wrong way on such an emotional day.
Even if the couple are usually very relaxed, “a bad joke can quickly ruin the mood”, she says. After all, this day is a very special one and the tension level may be very high.
Every wedding speech is always a balancing act: “It must not be too intimate, suggestive or embarrassing, but at the same time not too impersonal,” says Sunder.
If you want to work out how to convey the warmth you feel for the couple, “it often helps to flick through an old photo album or look through the pictures on your mobile phone beforehand”, says Kiehl.
“You’re sure to find moments that connect you to your friends or that have touched you.” – dpa/Katja Sponholz
