Dear Thelma,
Ever since I was a little girl, I looked up to independent, confident, successful woman as role models. I aspired to be like them when I grow up. I was in awe of their education, career, jet-setting lifestyle and the ability to lead their lives on their own terms. I was fortunate to have had a few such roles models in my life.
The one thing I noticed was that these role models have common characteristics which are being single and child-free. Thus, I felt that in order for me to be like them, I too must be single and child-free.
Fast-forward to present times, I am in my 30s and have successfully achieved my childhood aspiration. I have a successful career, travel extensively and I am living comfortably. As you can probably guess, I share the common characteristic of being single and child-free, just like my role models.
In the past few years, I have had interesting conversations with a few of my role models. They are mostly comfortably retired and are in their 60s now. The common advice I have received from them is to get married and have a family. That is a regret they all seem to have. This advice initially shocked me as I thought that they were happy and contented being the way they are. I then developed this existential dilemma. What if I too have similar regrets in my later years. I know that it can get terribly lonely and depressing when one is all alone especially in old age. It made me wonder if I am taking the right decisions in my life.
The dilemma is that I am quite comfortable the way I am. I have met many potential candidates and dated a few. It was fun and there is nothing wrong with those I dated. Had I delved further, it could have potentially led to a marriage. However, I begin to feel stifled after a while and wiggle away.
I really enjoy having my time to myself. I also experimented if I would be a good parent. I baby-sat my nephews and nieces, took them out and invited them to stay over several times. Whilst I did have a good time with the children, I would be worn out after some time and find it to be a huge responsibility.
I am aware that being in a relationship and raising children is no walk in the park. It requires a lot to persevere in these roles. Hats off to all those who are doing a great job in these roles.
Of late, I have been having a gnawing feeling of inadequacy that I am missing out on the joys of having a spouse and children. I feel conflicted, I do not want to have the regret later on in my life, yet I am also not willing to let go of my current lifestyle and comfort.
As I am already in my 30s, I do not have that much time to spare if I want to jump on the bandwagon of settling down. I am also unsure if I would make a good life partner and parent. I would truly appreciate it if you could advise me on what I should do. Thank you, Thelma.
Meera
Congratulations for making your career dream come true! That takes lots of effort and a dollop of luck. Happy for you!
Whether a career woman should also have a family is a common question, so thank you for asking it here. The answer is that it’s different for everyone.
The women you spoke to were among the first women to have a choice. There was a combination of reliable birth control, social changes, and economic opportunity. As trendsetters, they created a path for others to follow.
Some are thinking wistfully of what might have been, and some are lonely. But there will be others who are content with their lives, who have extended families and lots of friends. I know this because I know such women.
In the future, we will have many more women who never married and never had kids. Men too. So as society changes, your circumstances will be different from those trendsetters. This is an important consideration.
The question is: What is right for you?
You say that you do not like to be in a relationship. You prefer to be a singleton. Also, you babysit but you find it tiring.
I’d say the first is important and the second is not. Looking after kids is exhausting!
Bringing up a child alone is very difficult. Single mums manage but many suffer from the strain. Frankly, I’d be extremely hesitant about trying to go it alone. But leave that for now, and let’s think about being a mum.
You will have heard people say, “Once you have your own kids, you will love them” but this is a dangerous and disproven idea.
Research into parental regret is taboo. However, this area is now slowly being explored. In surveys, 8% of Americans (in 2013), 8% of Brits (2021) and 8% of Germans (2016) said they regretted having kids.
More recently, a large multinational 2023 study in the European Union reported 5%-14% of parents regret their decision to have children and if they could turn back time, they would choose childlessness.
Malaysia may be different, but we know there are parents who find their role a burden. In fact, more young Malaysians are choosing not to marry at all and stay child-free for a combination of factors. This includes knowing that freedom, careers and lives are impacted hugely by kids. It’s not for everyone.
Another important consideration is that children suffer when they grow up with parents who regret having them. Even if their parents provide for them, the kids know that they’re not truly wanted. That hurts! And it leads to increased risk of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and other mental health issues.
Having kids and hoping you’ll somehow want them is not sensible. I strongly suggest you only have them once you’re absolutely sure you can love them as they ought to be loved.
I think therefore you might examine the meaning of children to make an informed decision. I would ask these questions.
First, how would being a mother align with your identity, purpose, and values?
Second, what would your daily life look like as a mother – when your child is one, four, seven, nine, 12, 14, 17, 23? Third, what impact would parenting duties have on your freedom and responsibility?
Fourth, what impact would parenting duties have on your career and ambitions?
Once you have a clearer picture of what being a mum would be like, you need to ask a fifth question: Do I want a partner in this?
Ask the same first four questions to consider what sharing your life would be like in terms of your person, daily life, career, etc. Then put it all together and see what you think.
Finally, imagine yourself being 80 years old. When you look back, what life would you want to see?
I appreciate this is a lot. That’s OK, because this is a very serious decision. Should you need someone to talk it through with, find a professional therapist and have a few sessions.
Whatever you want is fine; make choices that suit your needs, not other people’s. Thank you for asking this question, and know that I’m thinking of you.
