Forget watching educational YouTube videos or sending kids to classes. The single most important thing parents can do with their children is to play with them. - Image by tirachardz on Freepik.
It takes a village to raise a child, so the proverb goes.
But with urbanisation and migration of young adults from rural areas to cities in search of education and better job prospects, that proverbial village has become fragmented, and most young parents now raise children on their own.
It’s not unusual to see parents in their 20’s discuss their infants or children over latte in urban shopping centres. Decades ago, those chats were mostly with grandparents, mothers, aunts and uncles who were ready to offer advice even before they became questions.
Consultant developmental paediatrician Dr Rajini Sarvananthan says the breakdown of extended families has changed parenting and this especially affects urban parents.
She says children who grow up with extended family are exposed to different social experiences across generations.
“That’s an important training ground for children to develop their social communication, like learning to communicate and even picking up new languages. It also helps children to develop socially and emotionally through empathy, waiting, turn-taking, sharing and perspective-taking and improve their problem-solving skills through negotiation and independence,”
“For parents, having others to turn to for advice and emotional support is important for their own well-being,” says Dr Rajini.
Natasha Ann says having her parents nearby definitely helps with bringing up her children. at Petaling Jaya. - FAIHAN GHANI/The Star
Mother-of-four Syawiroh Bakri, 50, has been living with her parents and sister, in Pajam, Negri Sembilan, since 2016, after her family moved from Johor Baru and her parents sold their house in Section 14, Petaling Jaya.
The move, she said, was a win-win situation. As a home tuition teacher, she could watch over her parents without having to hire a helper. Repair works and big purchases are also shared so there’s less financial burden on working adults.
“But the best part is we’re close-knit. My children can turn to their grandmother or aunt and there’s mutual respect for everyone.”
Self-employed Natasha Ann Culas, 35, agrees. As mother to Tristan John Tan Yizhi, four, and Sienna Grace Tan Yixin, four months, she says having extended family around (her parents live nearby) definitely helps “so long as your philosophies are aligned”.
“I had an amazing childhood thanks to my parents so I want my children to experience the same. It was the reason why I bought a house close to theirs. They go above and beyond basic childcare by instilling moral values that are beneficial to my children.
Paediatric dentist Thaarani Vijayakumar, 39, says not having her parents close by means she and her husband rely heavily on their childminders and kindergarten to help with childcare.
“It also means we handle all the kids’ daily activities as well as extra-curriculars. For both of us, finding the time to connect is important to maintain our relationship as partners,” says mother to Hanushrey Premanand, nine, and Shrey Nhirav Premanand, four.
Syawiroh (second from right) says living with extended family works for everyone.
Parenting philosophy
Dr Rajini says living with extended families may come with its own issues.
“This can happen when it comes to setting boundaries for children, having to listen to certain misconceptions and certain practices of child rearing,” she says.
Single mother Wendy Ng, 46, says she prefers parenting without interference.
“Parenting is instinctive. Personally, I don’t like taking advice from anyone when it comes to parenting. You must go with the flow of the situation,” says mother to 11-year-old Mia Biggs-Ng.
As far as parenting philosophy goes, the marketing manager says she employs a combination of permissive and authoritative parenting.
“I will let my child be a child. I don’t believe in drilling her academically. I allow her a balanced time for physical socialising with her friends, lots of outdoor playtime and online games (but without social media),”
“However, from the onset, we will agree on a set of rules, expectations and consequences. Open communication is a must,” she says.
Ng (left) says she hopes to leave Mia with enough guidance to live her adult life.Ng says she encourages Mia to try extreme sports like rock climbing and carry out voluntary work with SPCA.
“She’s exposed to a lot of things that other parents might shield their kids from, like crime, racism and injustice. I’d like to expose her to these things early on, so at least I can explain them to her and mentally prepare her. I think it’s better for her to be worldly than to be gullible.
Natasha is also big on pushing her children out of their comfort zones. She and her husband, Marcus Tan Yong Aun, recently signed Tan Yizhi up for Brazilian jiu jitsu that he attends on weekends. “Over time, we plan on signing him up for entrepreneurial classes for kids,” she says.
Natasha considers her parenting style dynamic. “It is a hybrid between gentle and resiliency parenting. To stick to one form of parenting over the other would result in a very skewed approach and it will not benefit the child in the long run,”
“Most of what I know about parenting I learn through my parents, parenting books and online resources (like parenting websites). I believe parenting is a continuous journey so I am always learning,” she says.
Thaarani agrees. “Parenting is something that we learn, unlearn and relearn along the way. A child doesn’t come with a guidebook and each child is unique in his or her own ways. So everything is work-in-progress,”
“My husband and I treat every day as a new day and as a chance to learn from our mistakes and do better,” she says.
Dr Rajini says evidence shows that authoritative parenting results in children having better outcomes in the long term.
“These are parents who are high in warmth, who are nurturing, responsive and supportive but at the same time set very clear limits and boundaries. This also involves explaining -- in an age-appropriate way -- to children why boundaries are set and what the consequences of their actions will be,” she says.
Culture of entitlement
One of the difficulties facing urban parents is managing material wealth to ensure it doesn’t spoil the child, Ng says.
“Many kids grow up with a sense of entitlement. There are readily-available premium merchandise like snacks, stationery and credits for online games. I think as a parent, you have to provide for your children, but you need to find ways to do so without indulging them excessively,”
“Otherwise the entitlement mentality sets in and it’s always me-first, which is detrimental to the child,”
Syawiroh agrees, saying parents would like to provide for their children as best as they could.“The Internet and social media’s marketing can overpower judgement, forcing parents to fork out money for something that’s currently ‘in’, just because their children ask for them,”
“Different children, at different phases in their lives, want different things. And as parents, we need to constantly juggle these ‘wants’ so everyone agrees and no one feels left out or jealous over unfair treatment,” she says.
Natasha, meanwhile, wants her children to be resilient. “My son is what you would call a highly sensitive child which means he is more attuned to emotions, sounds and new environment. In other words, he feels things deeply. As a parent, I may indulge in his behaviour at home but realistically, the world will not do so,”
“So we take a balanced approach — to nurture him while encouraging him to explore new experiences and activities,” she says.
Finding answers
Dr Rajini says social media influencers and You Tubers are very convincing in their messaging, resulting in a lot of misconceptions online.Dr Rajini says there are many issues surrounding urban parenting.
“There’s the difficulty in juggling work and family time. Where parents live in big cities, long commutes also mean they are tired and therefore, can be swayed by quick-fixes, like allowing toddlers screen time,”
“Then, there are issues in childcare, basic parenting skills, chasing goals for kids and a culture of fear that parents need to overcome,” she says. (See sidebar).
There’s also a need to sift through the noise on the Internet and social media to find the correct answers to parenting.
“Parents need to look for sites that are evidence-based and these are often sites and books that are recommended or run by professional bodies in the field of health, psychology and sociology of children,”
“The Ministry of Health has a website on health matters and some articles related to parenting. Parents who attend government health clinics and hospitals are given a blue or pink book when their children are born, which contains health information, prevention of accidents and a guide on feeding and immunisation,”
“The Malaysian Paediatric Association has a Positive Parenting arm, in collaboration with other health and childcare bodies that produce evidence-based recommendations by professionals in the field.
She says the bottom line is that if a site promises quick fixes or fast-tracked ways of parenting, then this is merely an advertising gimmick and should be viewed with caution.
“Parenting is a long-haul adventure and there are no quick fixes. But what we do in the early years of a child’s life has a great impact in the years ahead,” she says,”
Parenting hopes
Thaarani says she treats every day as a new day to improve from mistakes.As a mother, Ng says she wants to provide Mia with the best guidance, for her to carry on with life without her mother.
“I don’t expect her to care for me when I’m old. As long as she’s able to look after herself then my job is done. I’d like to have a comfortable retirement without having a grown-up kid still dependent on me,” she says.
Natasha wants her children to grow up to be independent and to be contributing members of society. “This has less to do with academic achievement but more focused on holistic growth,” she says.
Thaarani, meanwhile, hopes her children trusts their parents enough to confide in them on everything, when the time comes.
For Syawiroh, her hopes are that her children grow up to be caring individuals who are responsible and close to each other.
“I want them to realise the importance of family, to cherish their siblings and help each other out. I hope they have adequate knowledge and a solid set of values that would propel them to be better people,” she says.
