Given how challenging life is, with the advent of social media and technology, developing resilience in children is more important than ever. — 123rf.com
The statistics are sobering. The 2019 National Health and Morbidity Survey (NHMS) recorded that one in 20 children aged five to nine have some level of mental health issues (including developmental) and one in eight in the 10 to 19 age bracket have mental health issues.
Consultant paediatrician Dr Yong Junina Fadzil says the rise in these numbers can be attributed to many factors, including increased awareness on mental health.
“Another reason is more parents expect their children to get more As these days, as well as do well in extra-curricular activities. When these expectations are not met, children may feel that they have let their parents down,”
She says a child needs a supportive family who is not quick to judge, but instead, always ready to listen and lend support. And with modern life’s changing landscape – including the prevalence of social media and societal expectations – developing resilience in children is more important than ever.
“A resilient child is not afraid to stick to his or her principles without fear of ridicule from her peers, because he or she knows the decision is right,” she says. This can be trained by allowing them to make mistakes and learn.
Mother-of-two Tan Yee Ying, 42 says resilience is developed by attempting difficult tasks and failing, trying again with corrections until one succeeds. “This persistence needs to start from young, so I encourage my children to try new things by being open and never belittling their efforts,”
“As parents, we allow them to see our mistakes and share our thoughts while finding a solution. Children learn by mimicking so it’s important that they see us struggle and not give up until we accomplish our goals,” she says.
Yee Ying (right) and husband Nicholas Lim emphasise age-appropriate tasks for their sons Ethan (second from left) and Evan. — Photos: LOW BOON TAT/The Star
Samantha Lim, 40 whose children are Tyler Tan Louie, 14 and Tiffany Tan Jianee, 12 says while it is common for parents to want to be good role models, shielding children from seeing parents’ mistakes creates the idea that parents are perfect.
“They may feel pressured to live up to unrealistic expectations. It’s important to let them know that everyone makes mistakes. What’s important is how we navigate through them,” she says.
An agile mind is stronger to face challenges, Dr Yong Junina says, but this agility is derived from unconditional parental acceptance. Having parents to fall back on when children fail will give them a sense of security to try again, building resilience in the process.
Here’s how parents and caregivers can develop resilience in children and equip them with the necessary mental fortitude to face life’s challenges.
Infants to 12 months
■ Give love: Dr Yong Junina says while we can’t “teach” resilience to infants or babies, we can help build it with unconditional love. “This allows them to grow up feeling secure, unafraid to pursue challenges and not give up when things don’t go as planned,”
When her first son, Evan Lim Guan Yu, nine was a baby, Yee Ying introduced him to a shape-sorter and when he couldn’t insert the blocks, he got really upset. So she took it away to let him calm down. “I modelled trying out a block on each opening until I got them in. He didn’t succeed immediately, and there were tears, but he kept trying until he figured it out,” she says.
One to four years old
■ Talk to them: Toddlers are prone to tantrums when their efforts fail, so instead of scolding them when they cry, ask them why. “If it’s because a tower they had built toppled over, tell them it’s okay. These things happen. Encourage them to build again, slowly, to ensure each brick is placed securely,” Dr Yong Junina says.
■ Avoid threats: Don’t say, “Do that or I won’t love you”, or “If you do that I will love you”. Both imply the reverse if something is done (or not). Make sure they know they are unconditionally loved because that makes them strong inside.
Parents should avoid threats, overpraising and giving ultimatums, but should take time to listen and understand. — Dr YONG JUNINA FADZIL
Four to six years old
■ Help with activities: Once children start kindergarten, they will be exposed to activities such as painting, sticking objects on paper and writing. These may be daunting, and they may get frustrated when the results differ from expectations. Be there for them. Tell them it’s ok and that they will improve with practice.
■ Don’t overpraise: Don’t smother them with praises when the task is not up to standard. Children see through these and make them trust you less. Instead, say, “Good job. Next time I’m sure you can do even better as you practise in class and at home,” Dr Yong Junina says.
Seven to 12 years old
■ Allow independent learning: Many parents send their children for extra classes for school subjects. Unless the child has a learning disability, this may not be best. Allow your children to learn independently without extra classes, but be on hand to help when they face problems. Parents should set aside 30-60 minutes each day to listen to their children’s day and assist with homework.
■ Accept poor grades but strive to be better: “This is a part of learning. Poor grades in an exam will tell your child he or she needs to do better,” Dr Yong Junina says. Instead of punishing, ask them why they obtained the grade, and work towards solving that problem. Avoid calling them slow, lazy or saying they have attitude problem.
Yee Ying says while she believes education is important and expects her children to put real effort, getting an A is not mandatory. “The current national school curriculum is very difficult and expects too much from students. As long my children are learning something and making progress over time, that is fine,”
She says academic success doesn’t determine a person’s success in life and school isn’t just about what is taught in class. “Children also learn social, problem-solving and organisational skills which add to their resilience,”
Evan (left) teaching his brother Ethan to assemble Lego pieces.
■ Don’t compare: Avoid comparing your children with anyone and never be ashamed of a child’s achievement. If parents punish children for failing, they will be scared to try new things. The result is a child who only sees one facet of an issue, unable to find alternative solutions.
■ Don’t force your child to do something you like: If it’s important that he tries a certain activity, make a deal. Ask him to try for a semester and allow him to quit if he is still not interested. Do not berate him for quitting by citing the cost of the activity, says Dr Yong Junina.
Yee Ying started teaching Evan to play the piano only when he expressed interest. “In the beginning, he was easily frustrated when his fingers did not press the correct keys or when he wrongly read a note which resulted in lots of tears,”
“So I encouraged him to continue by showing him interviews with famous musicians, so he sees the number of hours of practice they put in to excel,” she says.
Yee Ying says learning how to play a musical instrument helps Evan foster his resilience.
■ Teach perseverance: If he wants to quit because it’s too hard, talk to him about persevering, and break the activity into little parts while pointing out the parts he has already mastered. Encourage him to stay on until he masters the activity before deciding to quit, says Dr Yong Junina.
Learning to play a musical instrument has taught Evan patience and gets him used to facing the challenges of learning a new technique with each song, Yee Ying says. “Over time, he has learnt not to give in to negative emotions when he makes a mistake while playing. He is able to immediately fix it and continue playing rather than stop midway,”
“If they are used to doing difficult things and experiencing failure from young, they won’t be afraid to attempt demanding things in the future and they will not give up easily when faced with challenges. They know that failure doesn’t mean the end of the world but an opportunity to try another way,” Yee Ying continues.
13 to 18 years old
■ Listen more: When your child talks about another student which you may not be comfortable with, explain why the behaviour is not right, instead of saying don’t befriend the other child. If your child says “I hate maths, I hate school”, ask them why. Listen to their reasons, says Dr Yong Junina.
Address these reasons without putting them down. If your child complains of being bullied at school, listen and talk to the teacher. Show that you care enough to act on his or her complaints as this will encourage openness in the future.
Samantha, who has a baking business called Schewy by Samantha, says communication and mindfulness are keys to connecting with her teenage children.
“I always create a safe space for them to approach me, even when they are angry. It is often easier said than done, because parents have emotions too and might start yelling or punishing children. I need to always tell myself to stay calm and be mindful,”
Samantha (right) and Donovan (left) say both openness and boundaries are important in raising Tyler (third from left) and Tiffany. — Photos: YAP CHEE HONG/The Star
■ Foster a good relationship: As children grow older, they are more likely to be influenced by friends. Having clear boundaries and good relationship with your children will allow them to talk about any issue. By equipping them with knowledge and rules, they will have the resilience to not be influenced or stressed out by peer pressure.
Samantha says she and her husband, Donovan Tan, 40 takes turns to go out with just one child so each child bonds with a parent. “It helps both of us foster better communication and understand each child,” she says.
Donovan says he tries his best to see things from their perspective, especially when they open up to him. “I’ll let them know it is safe to talk to me, without fear of judgement, especially when they have made a mistake,” he says.
Despite having a helper, Samantha (second from left) and Donovan (right) insist that their children do some house chores.
■ Answer questions: Some questions are uncomfortable, but you need to come up with answers and reasoning, without judging your child’s opinions.
■ Do not give ultimatums: Don’t say, “If you ever get pregnant, I will disown you” or “Don’t embarrass our family by not getting a scholarship”. Being dismissive will only make your child feels alienated.
Samantha and Donovan say they discuss about it with their children. “We told them there’s nothing that we cannot solve as a family and they can always come back to us,”
Tyler says he trusts his parents fully. “I know they will always have my back and I can share anything with them,” His sister Tiffany agrees. “Our parents are not very strict, but they have firm and clear boundaries.
The best thing parents can give their children – whether at 18 months or 18 years old – is unconditional love, concludes Dr Yong Junina.
