When it comes to child development, fitness in underrated. But ftness can be a buffer against stress, therefore improving resilience. — 123rf.com
HONEST question to parents: Can your children bounce back from failures and disappointment? Do they have enough healthy behavioural, social and cognitive skills to progress, adapt and thrive?
The next time your child misbehaves, instead of punishing, take a step back and think: What are the skills needed to be taught so that he or she is not likely to misbehave again? Then, focus on teaching that skill. This approach is called positive psychology – focusing on how to proactively progress the child, rather than rely on punitive action.
And this is also how you build resilience in children.
I often get asked whether or not to show distress in front of children. My answer is yes, you should show them. Following that, explain how emotions can be managed. Even if you don’t know how, you can seek help. Resilience is very much about seeking help. Modelling that behaviour to your children is very beneficial because they will be more likely to seek help when faced with difficulties.
This is also where problem-solving skills come in. Learning to systematically identify and describe problems and then actively seek practical solutions is the cornerstone of resilience and mental well-being. Research shows that problem-focused coping strategies contribute to better mental health compared to emotion-focused coping.
Emotion-focused coping, such as suppressing feelings and using distractions, is associated with a higher risk of mental health problems because they don’t actively address the issue. They simply dwell on emotions.
Emotions will be felt one way or another. Showing kids how adults manage emotions will teach them how they can manage theirs. —123rf.com
Adaptive skills for kids
Research has shown that a healthy satisfaction with life and subjective wellbeing involves mental, social, physical, financial and planetary health and as parents and caregivers, we need to impart to kids these five adaptive skills.
Social health refers to meaningful relationships with family and friends. It is the single most important factor that contributes to quality of life, as shown by the Harvard Study of Adult Development. It is very important to teach your children friendship skills, which include play skills and emotion regulation. Knowing how to make friends and keep friends would be the main skills contributing to resilience because social support is a crucial factor in the ability to cope with challenges.
Social skills easily trump academic skills when it comes to survival. We are social creatures. So we have to learn to be sociable enough to adapt in life. Grades are momentary, friends can be forever.
Socialising and emotional intelligence go hand-in-hand. It is very important to teach children about emotions, how to recognise them and how to manage them. All emotions are natural and are bound to be felt. Rather than protecting your children from negative emotions, allow them to feel and experience them so that they can better understand how emotions come about and what they can do about them.
It is also very important for children to understand how physical health contributes to their growth as a person. Knowing how self-care – like good sleep, rest, relaxation, nutrition, fitness and hygiene –are crucial for their learning and development will help them plan their days better, in a goal-oriented way. This keeps them meaningfully busy with purpose instead of remaining idle.
Fitness has been very much underrated in the area of children’s development. Research on developmental psychology suggests that physical growth has much to do with cognitive development in children. Fit children are more likely to be fit adults. Fitness can be a buffer against stress, automatically improving resilience.
Financial literacy
Another undervalued area of children’s development is money skills and financial responsibility. Research on psychological well-being shows that two of the main factors that contribute to distress in adults are relationship and financial problems.
So if you want your children to be resilient all the way into adulthood, it would help to have them be savvy and responsible with money.
Money can actually buy happiness, if you know how, and what to spend on.
Lastly, resilience can only be facilitated in an environment that is conducive. Having a conscientious attitude towards planetary health and a sustainable future is very important for our collective resilience – not just our children.
Having children actively contribute to sustainable development can also be an empowering experience. We are all connected, whether we like it or not.
One of the main aims of parenting and formal education is to guide children towards being as independent as possible in the shortest time possible. We’d want to give them all these skills so we are confident that they know how to take care of themselves in our absence.
Resilience in children is much talked about these days and international statistics have shown a continuous rise in mental health issues among children and adolescents, especially since the Covid-19 pandemic.
Without these adaptive, problem-solving and coping skills, individuals may crumble in the face of challenges, sending their mental health on a downward, dangerous spiral.
Dr Alvin Ng Lai Oon is a professor at the Department of Psychology, School of Medical and Life Science, Sunway University. He is a clinical psychologist by training and is passionate in promoting mental health literacy in the community.
