In an age where everything is about content, parents need to filter information and misinformation to parenting effectively. — Freepik
If you are a parent on social media, you would have seen streams of videos advocating various parenting trends. Filmed by influencers, these snappy, well-recorded shorts more often than not feature calm adults giving advice on how to respond to a child’s tantrum or anger, in composed and polite ways.
Adults, according to these videos, cannot be frazzled or “triggered” by any misbehaviour because they should always model positive ways of talking to a child.
And if you are a parent, you’d be hard-pressed not to question your own parenting style after watching them.
“Am I parenting right?”
“Why am I easily triggered by my child’s tantrum?”
“Why can’t I be as calm?”
Online parenting trends have garnered a massive following. On TikTok, #gentleparenting has 4.1 billion views, with 11.5 million tags on how to respond to children gently. On Instagram, the same hashtag has close to a million views.
And as parents, should you follow – they are after all, positive examples – or should you take these advice with a pinch of salt?
Paediatrician Dr Ng Yi-Ki, who has three children aged five, three and one, and her own Instagram account, says blindly following online parenting trends will leave parents, especially mothers, confused and exhausted.
“These are only short videos and we all know that social media shows only the best ‘takes’. Without taking into account family values and culture, these methods – no matter how well-meaning they are – only end up making parents feel guilty,” she says.
Parents are not perfect, says Dr Ng. 'We do something to the best of our ability; and when we know better, we do better.' — Dr NG YI-KIDr Ng says some of the parenting advice she found online aren’t backed by evidence. These include rocking a baby endlessly to sleep and co-sleeping with a newborn for infants to feel secure.
“Other myths include how praising your kids for their achievements will narrow their ability for growth, parents shouldn’t say ‘no’ to their child, and inflicting or emulating pain will fix a negative behaviour.
“There’s also this false belief that children who read and write early will be high achievers, which is often seen in advertisements or as paid content with influencers,” she says.
Dr Ng says most of her social media feed is filled with terms like “gentle parenting” and “attachment parenting”.
“They have elements of authoritative parenting instead of strict authoritarian parenting styles, which is good, but the problem is they send a message that this is the perfect parenting style and that is a myth.
“It also leaves many parents feeling inadequate that they are not able to live up to these supposed parenting ideals,” she says.
Parenting styles
As far as evidence-based parenting style goes, there are four types that psychologists and paediatricians refer to and even then, one parent doesn’t do only one parenting style all the time. He or she can adopt all four at one time or another. But parents usually have a prevalent approach and that’s what shapes the child (See chart below for more details on the four styles).
Experts agree that authoritative parenting is the most recommended parenting style, where parents have clear communication, age-appropriate standards, suitable discussions and frequently express love and affection.
Dr Ng says parenting also depends on the culture parents were brought up in.
“Asian parents are good with holding boundaries, although this could veer into being authoritarian by saying ‘because I said so’ to their children, instead of reasoning things out.”
On the other hand, gentle, responsive and mindful parenting that are mostly perpetuated by Western culture could also veer into permissive parenting, one that allows children to behave without clear boundaries.
Lee says gentle parenting works in theory, but might not work in real life. — YVONNE LEEMother and piano teacher Yvonne Lee Shu Yee, 52, says when she and her husband became first-time parents in 1996, gentle parenting “was what we read about in parenting books and not something either of us experienced in our childhood.”
So she tried to adopt this style of parenting with her children.
“When my late mum saw me gently negotiating with a cranky toddler, she asked me why I took so much pain in explaining and giving options to a young child. She said parents know best and children cannot decide their way with things.”
Her children are Eva Chee, 27, who works in film and music in Canada; Julian Chee, 25, an aerospace engineer in the United States and Joel Chee, 15, a student. In retrospect, Lee says in certain situations, her late mum was right.
“Maybe their generation had more children and less time, and there was no luxury of slowly reasoning or negotiating with a child. Today, parents have more awareness on positive parenting and are more liberal in letting children lead and in doing so, allow them to experience the consequences of their options and learn from failure,” she says.
Gentle to strict parenting
For C.K. Uvaraani Jivan, 40, who designs clothes for plus-sized women, her own childhood experience of strict Asian parenting that led her to adopt gentle parenting.
“I used to think Asian parenting was too strict, rigid and focused on academic achievements. So for my first child, I did not stress on academic excellence and let her learn and practise at her own pace.
“And then she started failing in school and she told me that she was demotivated with her results. I knew I had to step in, so I coached her every night, downloaded simple exercises and guided her from scratch,” says Uvaraani.
Tee says parenting styles depend on the personality of a child too. — JASMINE TEEHer daughter, Pooja Sri Raani Jivan, 12, who attends Chinese school, is now one of the top students in her class and is a school prefect.
“I see that she is happier, confident and motivated to achieve better. I just want her to learn that with diligence and persistence, she can achieve anything she wants.”
For management consultant Jasmine Tee, 35, whose children are six and three, gentle parenting doesn’t mean no boundaries.
“It’s about using the right tone and words appropriate for the children’s age to communicate with them. Gentle parenting may result in what is viewed as disrespect in Asian culture. And when this is not clearly guided, the good trait of respect for elders in Asian culture, for example, would be lacking.”
Lee says gentle parenting didn’t work on all her children. One of them was more challenging when it came to adhering to house rules.
“Despite having reasoned with him on why his personal belongings like his school bag, shoes and racket must be stored properly, he still left them haphazardly at the door step. Since my advice fell on deaf ears, I took the drastic step of moving his belongings to the apartment’s refuse area.
“My earlier gentle approach didn’t work but this harsh manner saw him scrambling to retrieve his items. Sometimes, gentle parenting is ideal in theory but doesn’t always work in reality,” Lee adds.
Finding balance
Tee says she tries to find a balance between being lenient and strict with her sons.
“I would say I have to use more gentle parenting with my eldest, but I could use a slightly more Asian parenting style with the youngest. Every child is different and it’s the parents’ job to understand their uniqueness and character, and apply what’s suitable depending on the situation and their emotions.”
Dr Ng agrees that “one child may need more hugs, the other may need more space”. Everyone is different, she says, and it’s also a myth if parents say they love their children equally.
“We don’t treat or love everyone the same because people have different personalities. We might give our children equal opportunities but we don’t love them all equally.”
Lee believes in applying both Western and Asian methods interchangeably, according to situation and age.
“If the children are young, they do not have the experience to choose. So, I will lead and control, if I must. Take learning music as an example. We must have consistency to form the tenacity to master the skill so that we can be good at it. A rolling stone gathers no moss,” she says.
“However, if the children are older, then they can have their say and I will respect their way and be supportive of their endeavour even if it is not to my own liking,” Lee adds.
Despite the influx of online information, Uvaraani says she is not confused and she loves modern parenting.
“I love to read about children’s mental development and being a hands-on parent. I strongly believe in positive parenting with open communication, praising my kids, loving them and letting them know how much I love them every day.
“With my eldest turning 12 soon, I feel the need to be involved and understand her more. She tells me every single detail and that shows that she is confident to confide in me. I would rather she confides in me, so that I can help her navigate through her emotions, than her confiding in others who might give her the wrong advice.”
The four parenting styles psychologists and paediatricians often refer to. — StarGraphics
Impact of misinformation
Dr Ng says the worst impact of parenting misinformation is not on the children, but on parents.
“Good parenting is not all in the strategies, but in the mindset. With such overwhelming and undistilled information, parents can be easily confused, guilt-ridden and lose confidence in themselves as parents. And the children become the recipients of these effects, when they need grounded, confident caregivers,” she adds.
She says most importantly, parents need to extend grace to themselves.
“We are not perfect. We do something to the best of our ability; and when we know better, we do better,” she says.
Secondly, a secure attachment to caregivers will let children grow up confident and curious, with the ability to regulate their emotions better.
“This secure attachment allows them to feel safe; even if they fail, they know they will be okay.”
Thirdly, parents should apologise when they do something wrong and repair the rupture.
“Reconciling with a child when parents make mistakes is a predictive factor for kids to grow up confident,” she says. “It also teaches a child that it’s okay to lose it, as long as you regulate and apologise,” she says.
“You don’t learn how to be a successful parent from TikTok or Instagram. If you think you want to improve and parent better, get help and find a good parenting coach programme. It runs for seven to eight weeks because you cannot relearn parenting in a day,” she says.
“Finally, in everything you watch and read, do so with discretion,” she concludes.
