Failure can be a road map to a better, truer place than anywhere perfection would have taken us. — DRAGAN ANDRII/Dreamstime/TNS
MICHELLE Icard has written a kind and important book about failing.
“For kids to learn from their failures, they must trust adults enough to stop hiding them from us,” Icard writes. “And for that to happen, adults must stop judging kids for messing up in the first place.”
Because when handled with care, failure can be a road map to a better, truer place than anywhere perfection would have taken us.
The book is called Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success: What to Do and What to Say to Turn ‘Failures’ into Character-Building Moments. It’s Icard’s third book, after Middle School Makeover and Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen.
It’s both a breath of fresh air and a soft place to land, in a culture that can easily make both parents and kids feel like anything less than perfection is a little pathetic – from the photo you posted on your Instagram story to the GPA that’s either opening doors to your future, or slamming them in your face.
“We owe it to ourselves and our kids to stop thinking about failures as conclusions and begin to frame failures as character builders,” Icard writes.
“Because here’s the thing: Failure isn’t the worst thing that can happen to your kids. Often, it’s one of the best. Young adolescents learning how to become adults need to figure out their own boundaries, values and motivations. Failing is a great way to do that.”
The book is organised into eight archetypal failures. Failure to follow the rules: the rebel. Failure to take care of their body: the daredevil. Failure to perform well in school: the misfit. Failure to show concern for others: the ego. Failure to connect with peers: the loner. Failure to handle their feelings: the sensitive one. Failure to get along with their family: the black sheep. Failure to believe in oneself: the benchwarmer.
Within each chapter, Icard offers guidance on how to gather the truth about the failure at hand, affirm your child while also holding them accountable, triage their fears and yours, rebuild trust and, eventually, find a silver lining in it all.
Icard has written a book based on real family experiences. — Handout
Real-life examples
The sample failures, all based on real families’ experiences (including one of Icard’s children, who she keeps anonymous), include underage binge drinking, poor grades, mistreating friends, disrespecting family members’ stuff, getting suspended and more.
Her approach is shrewd without tripping into cynical, sharp without becoming caustic. She deftly handles a question, for example, from a parent who finds a vape cartridge wedged between the couch cushions and wonders whether to believe her son’s excuse that he was holding it for a friend.
“It doesn’t matter if the vape is his or a friend’s,” Icard writes. “What matters is that your son had it in his pocket, in your house, and voila, it’s no longer a secret.”
Meaning, you now have an opening to talk about vaping, possession, health and all sorts of other important topics. But back to the excuse ...“Yes, there may be a rare circumstance in which your child is just holding a vape, bong, bag of weed or edibles, warm six-pack of White Claw hard seltzers, with zero intention of partaking,” Icard writes. “But it’s hard to imagine a good reason.”
The not-good reasons, on the other hand, include your child being too naive to realise they’re being used by a friend who doesn’t care about putting them at risk, or your child understanding the risk and holding the item anyway to ingratiate themselves with a friend who has more social power.
“My advice is to let your kids know well in advance that it is your policy not to believe the holding-for-a-friend defence,” she writes. “First, this will position you as a parent who knows what’s going on and isn’t gullible. Second, it will give your child an argument against kids partying at your house. ‘If my parents find anything, they’re going to assume it’s mine and I’ll be screwed.’”
The goal, after all, isn’t to catch your kid. It’s to guide your kid, support your kid, shape your kid into the best version of themselves.
Bill of rights
Informing Icard’s entire book is a child’s bill of rights that she created to serve as a guide for keeping your wits about you, and a reminder that your child is very much a work in progress. (As we are all.) It goes like this:
Adolescents have the right to: Make mistakes and have opportunities to fix them. Maintain some privacy. Take risks. Choose their own friends and gather with peers. Practise making informed decisions about their bodies. Receive the benefit of the doubt. Negotiate and self-advocate. Determine their own values. Access accurate information from multiple perspectives and sources on all topics. Seek independence and not be relied upon by their caregivers for personal, emotional or financial gain.
“I asked every parent I interviewed for this book if I were to offer them a magic wand that would wave away their child’s difficult experience, would they take it?” Icard writes. “All but one said no.
“If I’d asked them during the hardest part of their child’s struggle, I’d bet all of them would have said, ‘Give me that wand,’” she continued. “But from the other side, each parent saw that the growth that came out of the pain was worth it after all.”
Thanks to the book, we get to glimpse that too. – Tribune News Service
