Adolescents injuring themselves are deeply distressed; their behaviour is a way of coping with difficult feelings or circumstances. — Photos: dpa
Your adolescent child often has inexplicable minor injuries or scars, spends an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom or their own room, where you find a razor blade or knife and wears long sleeves and/or long trousers, even in hot weather.
These things should set off alarm bells in parents, as they could be symptoms of self-injury. What can parents do, and where can families find help? Here are some answers.
What is self-harming behaviour?
A distinction is made between suicidal behaviour and non-suicidal self-injury. In the latter, the self-injurers deliberately harm themselves but don’t want to die. “This includes, among other things, scratching (leading to skin injury), cutting, burning or hitting,” says Gloria Fischer-Waldschmidt, chief psychologist in the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at the Psychosocial Medicine Centre of Heidelberg University Hospital in Germany.
Self-harming behaviour is more common than many people think. In Germany, for example, an estimated 25%-35% of adolescents have deliberately injured themselves at least once. “Our random surveys of adolescents show that approximately 15% of 15-year-olds harm themselves multiple times,” Fischer-Waldschmidt says.
What causes this?
Non-suicidal self-injury has yet to be officially classified as a distinct mental disorder. It can sometimes be a symptom of a mental illness such as depression, personality development disorder or anxiety disorder. In any case, self-injurers are deeply distressed, emphasises Fischer-Waldschmidt. Scratching, cutting or burning themselves is their way of coping with difficult feelings or circumstances.
“Self-harming behaviour provides relief, temporarily eases pressure, suppresses negative feelings,” explains Fischer-Waldschmidt, adding that a feeling of emptiness is also a reason many adolescents deliberately injure themselves. “They’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.”
There are many places self-harming youth and their family members can turn to, including helplines and local counselling centres for children.
How should parents respond?
Parents are typically shocked when they realise their child is injuring themselves. They’re sad, angry and feel guilty. “All of these feelings may naturally arise, but initially it’s best they be shared only with their partner or spouse, or friends,” says Fischer-Waldschmidt. She advises that they remain calm and keep lines of communication with the child open. In early conversations, in particular, the focus should be on the child’s feelings, she says. Ask respectful questions and signal that you love them, want to care for them and help them. But above all: listen.
Seda Sözeri is a social worker and counsellor at a Germany-wide helpline for children, adolescents and their parents. She tells parents they need to be patient: “Self-harming behaviour isn’t something that goes away in a few weeks,” she says.
How can parents help?It’s important that parents set a good example and control their emotions,” says Fischer-Waldschmidt. This means, for instance, not yelling and becoming hysterical, but finding other ways to deal with difficult situations. They should make time for their child, and build and cultivate a trusting, stable relationship. They can offer to assist the child in finding help and even look for coping strategies together that don’t involve self-injury. Fischer-Waldschmidt recommends sport, listening to music or applying stinging ointments.
In critical moments, adds Sözeri, it can also help the child to bite into a chilli pepper, massage themselves with a spiky ball, pummel a pillow, or put ice cubes into their mouth or shoes.
Even better, of course, is recognising the warning signs and taking pre-emptive action – something parents can’t help with. “This is learned in therapy,” Sözeri says.
What shouldn’t parents do?
They shouldn’t exert pressure on the child, be reproachful or panic. This won’t help and can even aggravate things. Difficult though it may be, “Parents shouldn’t feel somehow responsible for the self-harming behaviour, shouldn’t take it personally,” Sözeri says. If the child clams up, parents could try to break through by writing the child a letter. Or perhaps there’s someone the child is close to that could speak with them. Otherwise, parents should accept the child’s unwillingness to talk, but continue to signal readiness to help and show respectful curiosity.
Where can affected families find help?
There are many places self-harming youth and their family members can turn to, such as municipal sociopsychiatric services, registered psychotherapists with their own practice, hospitals’ outpatient psychiatric clinics and local counselling centres for children, adolescents and families. In addition helplines and special websites directed at self-harming youth and their family members can provide help. – dpa
Those suffering from problems can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service at 03-2935 9935 or 014-322 3392; Talian Kasih at 15999 or 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp; Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre at 011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp; and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur at 03-7627 2929 or go to www.befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia for a full list of numbers and operating hours, or email sam@befrienders.org.my.
