Hanim Mohd (fourth from left) with some of her nieces and a nephew. — HANIM MOHD
THE adolescence phase is complex – emotions run high and uncertainties are abound. And during this phase of physical and emotional development, a solid relationship between a teenager and an adult (or adults) stands both as a guiding beacon and a protective shield against negative thoughts and actions.
But such a relationship isn’t easy to forge. It requires more than just words to navigate this confusing chapter in a child’s life. Trust, empathy and understanding are imperative ingredients to build a deep connection.
“Adolescence is a transformative phase, marked by shifting communication dynamics between teens and their parents as teenagers spend more time with their peers,” says Dr Suriati Sidek from International Islamic University Malaysia (IIUM).
Teenagers, she adds, often think that their peers understand them better than their parents, and that their feelings and experiences are unique from others.
“To bridge this communication gap and gain insight into an adolescent’s mind, it is crucial for parents to foster effective communication,” says the developmental psychology senior lecturer.
Single mother Phyllis Vivian Hill, 46, takes on a neutral and empathetic stand whenever she has a mother-son talk with her son, Russell Hill Lien, 15.
“I always try to understand and imagine what it is like to grow up in the current society that is so heavily influenced by the internet and social media. This helps me break the gender and age barriers,” adds the marketing director from Petaling Jaya, Selangor.
Retiree Hanim Mohd, 62, who is single, says she has a unique relationship with the teenagers in her big family.
“I am their fun aunt. We hang out on birthdays, go hiking, shopping and out for movies and we have conversations on various topics and good laughs even on silly jokes,” she says about her relationship with her 36 nieces and nephews, aged between 18 and 41.
She says the kids – as she fondly refers to them since she helped babysit them when they were young – tend to loosen up and feel more comfortable with her.
“I guess I gain their trust by being a sport, but without compromising their respect towards me,” says the former graphic designer from Kuala Lumpur.
Creating a safe space for her son is what Phyllis strives for. — PHYLLIS VIVIAN HILL
Building connection
Suriati says the key components of a healthy adult-teenager relationship are trust and respect. “It is essential for adults to trust teenagers, and for teenagers to trust adults,” she says.
That trust, she says, is built on mutual respect for each other’s opinions, feelings and boundaries.
“Parents need to show respect to teenagers by recognising their opinions and emotions. Although opinions might differ, they have to approach the situation with understanding and a willingness to explore solutions together,” she adds.
Hanim approaches each of her nieces and nephews accordingly as she strongly believes that different children have different temperaments.
“But in any circumstances, my go-to strategy is to be gentle on the kids. For me, hugs and gestures of showing respect like a hand shake also play an important role,” she says.
To further foster trust and understanding with them, Hanim says she always tries to be a consistent support and a diplomatic, sincere listener.
Suriati says parents and adults should also strive to be active listeners and attentively consider things from the teenager’s perspective.
“In addition, creating a safe space where teenagers feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and concerns without fear of judgement is also crucial,” she adds.
Creating a safe space for her son is what Phyllis strives to do.
“Right from the time he was 18 months old, it has always been the two of us. So it is my priority to ensure that he is safe and because of this, we have a very strong bond,” she adds.
Phyllis says she tries to avoid being judgemental or preachy whenever her son comes to her for advice.
“I believe this approach has fostered a trust between us, and so far, he never hesitates to own up to anything he does, good or bad,” she adds.
Suriati says research shows that the bond between teenagers and their parents significantly influences their cognitive, social and emotional well-being. — SURIATI SIDEK
Open communication
The strong bond that Phyllis shares with her son creates a conducive space for both mother and son to communicate openly.
“I’ve always been open to Russell about my feelings and the issues I am going through, even on financial matters. I believe this openness will show that he can trust me and be open to me too, without me judging,” Phyllis says.
One day, she says, she overheard Russell speaking badly about one of his classmates with his friend, who had caused some trouble in their classroom. Upon further enquiry, he told her of their plan of getting back to the boy.
“I advised him against it and told him to let the teacher deal with it. I told him not to take things into his own hands and he took my advice. I am glad that he was open to sharing it with me before things went out of hand,” she says.
By having open communication, Suriati says parents can offer guidance but at the same time allow the teenager to learn from his or her mistakes and experiences.
“Giving a different perspective also helps the teenager to make positive choices and well-informed decisions, understand the consequences and foster critical thinking,” Suriati adds.
Suriati says research shows that the bond between teenagers and their parents significantly influences their cognitive, social and emotional well-being.
“Teenagers who can form secure attachments are more inclined to seek guidance and support from their parents instead of negative peer influences,” she adds.
Parents, she says, can cultivate a secure attachment with their adolescent child by consistently being both physically and emotionally available.
There are ways to bond with your adolescent child. — The Stargraphics
Handling conflicts
Adolescence can be a confusing phase for teenagers and most of the time, they don’t want to communicate with the adult figures in their family, particularly their parents, due to a generation gap and fear of being misunderstood,” she adds.
These barriers, she says, can be addressed by establishing a supportive environment through listening and empathy so teenagers feel their perspectives are valued.
“It is crucial for parents to actively listen and show genuine interest in what their adolescent child is saying,” she adds.
Hanim does that whenever her nieces or nephews come to her about conflict with their parents.
“I listen to their grievances when they need to vent their frustrations but my rule is to never let the feeling of hatred arise between them and their parents,” she says.
Phyllis, on the other hand, says: “At every disagreement, if I am in the wrong, I will admit and apologise. I want my son to know that we all should be accountable and just because I am his mother, I’m not always right,”
Both Hanim and Phyllis agree that developing a good relationship with a teenager by being a good and non-judgemental listener gains their trust and respect. It is the only way to improve adult-teenager communication.
“It is very important for them to know that their parents and home are safe people and places for them,” Phyllis adds.
