Clear and ongoing communication, self-reflection, mutual understanding and respect are required to successfully navigate a situationship. Photo: Freepik
When Mona was in her 20s, she was involved in “ambiguous relationships” or “situationships” quite often.
“Unsure of what I wanted at that time, I would jump from one situationship to the next, getting into undefined relationships, and while they had a semblance of dating, they never led anywhere and fizzled out after awhile,” she admits.
“It made me question myself – like why didn’t my “relationships” ever work out – during that time.
“I didn’t realise these were situationships. I guess I didn’t know then what I know now,” adds Mona, who is currently 39 and has been happily married for nine years.
It wasn’t until years later that Mona realised she was investing emotionally in men who weren’t as emotionally invested in her, and setting herself up for disappointment.
“Because those ‘relationships’ weren’t clearly defined, there weren’t any discussions about commitment or the future, and there was no direction or progress.
“It was all ‘on the spur of the moment’. In retrospect, if we had communicated a bit more, it may have been better,” she highlights.
Default partners
A situationship is often a red flag that signifies one party in the ‘relationship’ is unwilling to commit, hence making it one-sided, and it can also be a hindrance in your quest to find a lifelong partner. Photo: Freepik
Andy, 31, shares that he is currently in a situationship with a girl who “only wants to be friends” with him.
“I’ve been going out with this girl whom I met through mutual friends, for a few months. When I first confessed my feelings to her, she replied that she wasn’t ready and only wanted to be friends.”
“However, we started to hang out a lot more and we could spend hours talking about anything under the sun,” he says.
Since they were both still single, Andy didn’t see it as a problem – they were “default partners” whenever there was a need for one.
When asked if he was worried she would eventually move on if she found someone, he says he’s hopeful it won’t be so soon but he’s prepared and “will cross that bridge when it happens”.
According to counselling psychologist Dr Anasuya Jegathevi Jegathesan who is Dean of the Faculty of Psychology and Social Sciences at University of Cyberjaya and owner/counsellor of Ajjhearttalk Counselling, a situationship – which is a romantic or intimate connection between two individuals that lacks a clear label or commitment – can be “a dangerous situation to put oneself in because you may end up disappointed or hurt”.
“I know of certain instances where one party believed it was a relationship, but to the other party, they were ‘just friends’.
“And it turned out really badly for the one who was more emotionally invested.
“The situation became ‘complicated’ because the mutual discussion didn’t happen and there were also different expectations,” explains Dr Anasuya.
According to trauma recovery therapist Nur Adam from The Good Life Counselling, Singapore, a situationship may seem like “a no-strings attached means to explore a connection, but it can lead to heartache”.
“If you find yourself constantly wondering where you stand or what both of you are, I hope you realise, you deserve more than this,” she says in her Instagram post (@thegoodlife_therapy) adding that such a situationship can be "a heartbreak over the loss of a fantasy – a dream, longing, projection that you had about them – rather than the person themselves”, and “you’re mourning the loss of those unexperienced moments – the dates, adventures and deeper commitments with them that remained just out of reach”.
Nur Adam believes “it’s not really the person you miss, but the special way they made you feel, the companionship, and the future you envisioned with them” and it’s important to “understand this distinction in order to heal and move on”.
A lack of clarity
There are many challenges in situationships such as lack of clarity, emotional uncertainty, lack of communication resulting in unmet needs and unaddressed concerns, unequal expectations, potential for hurt, limited support and isolation. Photo: FreepikDr Anasuya adds that there are many challenges in situationships such as lack of clarity, emotional uncertainty, and lack of communication, resulting in unmet needs and unaddressed concerns, unequal expectations, potential for hurt, limited support and isolation.
“A situationship is often a red flag that signifies one party in the ‘relationship’ is unwilling to commit, hence making it one-sided, and it can also be a hindrance in your quest to find a lifelong partner. “
Clear and ongoing communication, self-reflection, mutual understanding and respect are required to successfully navigate a situationship, she says.
Some of the steps she recommends to navigate through a situationship are: open communication, defining boundaries, self-awareness, regular check-ins or assessments, being honest about intentions and feelings, respecting each other’s independence, and considering future goals.
It’s crucial for individuals in situationships to regularly assess their feelings, communicate openly, respect each other and ensure that both parties are comfortable with the status of the ‘relationship’, she concludes.
