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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 / 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999 / 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 / email sam@befrienders.org.my / befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
For the past seven years, my family has endured sleepless nights due to my sibling's actions.
Eight years ago, my mother, now 83 years old, gave our only house, located in another state, to my youngest sister, who is now almost 50 years old. The house, though old, is in a thriving neighbourhood. My mother made this decision because my sister was adamant about not getting married, and she wanted her to have a roof over her head in her old age, free from the burden of a housing loan. However, after the transfer, my sister's behaviour changed dramatically, becoming controlling and aggressive towards our mother.
We were a family of five: Dad, Mum, and three siblings. I am the eldest, and my sister is the youngest, with a five-year age gap between us.
After completing my Form 6, I got a job in Kuala Lumpur. By then, our father had retired and was working as a security guard to supplement his pension. The family decided to move to KL for better job and study opportunities, despite my sister's resistance due to the disruption it would cause to her schooling and social life.For about 20 years, we were all reasonably happy. I got married, and then my brother did too. Life proceeded normally until tragedy struck when our father suffered a fatal heart attack. Following this, I moved to a faraway state with my husband.
My mother and sister continued living in a rented house in KL. My sister was working and studying, pursuing a professional course with just two papers left to clear. Their relationship was typical, with some good times and some arguments over responsibilities. They enjoyed holidays together, funded by my mother, and other outings that made her happy.
I wasn't particularly close to my sister due to her tendency to shirk responsibilities and seek companionship from outsiders. She avoided loan commitments and didn't buy a house or car. My brother tried to help by putting down a downpayment for a condo in KL for her, but she refused. He also gave her his used car, which she continued to pay off after my mother covered all repair expenses.
After more than 20 years, the landlord wanted the house back. My mother, then 76, wanted to move into her own house, but my sister resisted because she was settled in KL. I suggested my sister rent a room in KL, but she refused. She wanted to stay with my brother, who agreed to a short-term arrangement as he had his own issues.
Eventually, both my mother and sister moved into the old house, with my sister commuting daily to KL for work. My mother had the house repaired and made comfortable before moving in.
A few months after moving in, my sister befriended a neighbour who was a twice-divorced parent with an unstable job, and she started helping him financially using my mother's pension. This made my mother angry and disappointed.
My sister then lost her job and refused to seek another, spending her days sleeping and her nights cleaning, which disrupted my mother's sleep.
Despite my mother's active and friendly nature, my sister's controlling behaviour escalated, isolating my mother from neighbours, changing house keys, and monitoring her spending. All household expenses were covered by my mother, and my sister prevented my mother from spending money on the grandchildren or allowing friends to visit.
As the years passed, my sister's behaviour worsened. She had violent outbursts, breaking things, and arguing late into the night. The neighbours advised my mother to be cautious of my sister's friend. During this time, the other siblings and I would take my mother away for months to provide some relief.
In 2022, when my sister was 47, I suggested she get a job and focus on her life while we took turns caring for our mother. My sister stayed alone for two years but made no effort to find a job, became unkempt, and failed to maintain the house. She forcefully took control of my mother's joint bank account and investments. When my mother needed to go for hospital appointments, my sister refused to help, even though she was not working.
Meanwhile, my mother came to live with me in state K. She was diagnosed with a heart valve issue and suffered greatly. At one critical point, when the doctors advised us to inform family members, my mother requested to see my sister. However, my sister initially refused due to lingering anger over a previous scolding. She eventually visited but only after much persuasion, long after the critical period had passed. By God's grace, my mother recovered, though she remains weak and fragile.
We suggested she sign up for a cheaper Internet subscription to stay connected, but she refused and continues to pay higher phone bills without Internet data, concerned that data would reduce her talk time, despite our explanations otherwise.
Now, the house is abandoned and termite-ridden. Basic cleaning and maintenance are neglected. My sister refuses to contribute to repairs or termite treatment. We suggested sharing the financial burden using funds from my mother's account, which jointly has my sister's name, but she refused.
When my mother asked for the house back, my sister refused, seemingly planning to sell the house and keep the cash while living with one of us without commitments. However, we are not keen on this arrangement as we each have our own families to support, and my sister is 50, far too young to depend on us entirely.
Financially, my sister seems interested in dividends and property matters, often checking my mother's pension book. She believes she is entitled to all my mother's savings and pension, frequently calling my mother to remind her of overdue bills, which causes stress since my mother is diligent about paying bills on time.
The house continues to deteriorate, and my mother asked my sister to clean and pay bills monthly, but she refused, expecting my mother to bear all costs and be present for any repairs. My sister wants my mother to support her financially, yet she doesn't care for our mother or the house properly, forcing the other siblings to step in.
My sister feels entitled to financial support, claiming my mother neglected her education and life. She blames my mother for her problems and refuses to take action to improve her situation.
We are in a dilemma: How to help a sister who refuses assistance, is not responsible, and just wants money. Is she suffering mentally, or is she being difficult and manipulative?
What to do about the house, as it will deteriorate further without maintenance? Repairing it without my sister's financial contribution seems futile, as she will continue to wait for us to invest money without ownership or return on investment.
We all had our share of problems, and our upbringing was the same. My brother has a child with a disability, and I have my own family issues. Perhaps my sister is overwhelmed by the responsibilities of life, having never stayed away from home or dealt with loans or financial responsibilities, being the youngest with no clearly set boundaries.
We need to find a way to support her without enabling her irresponsibility and ensure our mother is not further burdened or stressed.
Sibling
I’m sorry to hear of this complicated situation. It’s not uncommon, so I expect many readers will sigh and wince as they read this because they recognise their own family situation.
First things first: Finances. You are concerned that your sister is taking financial advantage of your mum. Rules about this are complicated.
Your mum is an adult and although she’s older and has some heart issues, you don’t mention any conditions that might affect her faculties. Therefore, it is likely that legally, she is responsible for her own finances, including her pension and investment.
It is possible that the state will say she’s making bad decisions but that is not against the law. Many people make bad financial decisions or hand over to a person who makes a mess of things.
However, because your mum is elderly and has not been well, we may be looking at financial abuse. This is where an elderly person is bullied or coerced into handing over their money.
When there is no official diagnosis of mental impairment, deciding whether this is the case can be complex.
I strongly recommend you visit AKPK (akpk.org.my), The Credit Counselling and Debt Management Agency, which is a free consumer financial help service run by Bank Negara.
Go first by yourself and take every bit of paperwork you have. Also write down notes in short proper order so the information is accessible. Ask for advice. Once the basics are understood, go again with mum.
The AKPK will advise you on what steps you can take to ensure mum is properly advised and empowered. She has investments and pensions, so hopefully, she can gain control so she’s secure and happy. They can also advise you on the next steps if they think there is elder abuse.
Second, your sister. We can’t know if your sister has mental health issues or if she is simply entitled or even abusive. For that, she needs to consult a therapist.
What I will say is this: Children may grow up in the same family but they don’t have the same experience.
Parents evolve as they age and become more experienced, and family circumstances evolve too. So older kids typically experience different parenting styles in a different environment from younger kids.
You grew up in one place; your sister was wrenched away from her anchors. You got to leave home and build a life with your own family; she spent her early adult years at home. You two also have different ideas about family and friends. So you have different experiences.
Your sister may feel she got a raw deal. Also, being unemployed and not having an income is terrifying. For all we know, your sister is anxious and depressed. Both conditions can cause all kinds of unusual behaviour, including outbursts of anger.
Whatever is going on, your sister sounds unhappy, therefore she may benefit from talking to a mental health professional. However, as your letter suggests you don’t get along, she may take this proposal as criticism if it comes from you. As she’s closer to your brother, ask him to suggest it.
In addition, your sister may benefit from talking over her finances with AKPK as well. They can help her sort out her bills, her finances and advise her on how to plan for financial independence.
I hope these steps will help. Ideally, your sister gets some insight and support that will help her make some effective change, your mum is empowered and more financially secure, and the rest of the family can move forward with less worry.
Good luck, and know that I’m thinking of you.
