Dr Rajini says parents should allow their child free time on their own without giving them too many toys. — Photos: Freepik
CAREFREE is no longer a word associated with childhood.
Exposure and shifting attitudes have given rise to anxious parents who have what psychologists call a scarcity mindset, who see opportunities as being limited that they must be grabbed now.
These parents send their kids off to school at a young age, so that they have an early head start in formal education. Extra-curricular classes soon follow. It’s normal to see kids enrolled in a variety of classes – from sports and drama to music and public speaking – with parents themselves busy ferrying the young ones around.
The Unites States National Institutes of Health (NIH) calls this practice hyper-parenting – the overscheduling of children in activities as parents “strive to provide their children with a competitive edge.”
But instead of setting the stage for success, hyper-scheduling “places increased pressure on children, compromising their health and perceived happiness.”
This results in the hurried child syndrome, a term coined by child psychologist Dr David Elkind who defines it as “a set of stress-linked behaviours when a child is expected by his or her parents to perform well beyond his or her level of mental, social or emotional capabilities.”
Elkind authored his groundbreaking work, The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon in 1981, and more than four decades later, this practice has only evolved exponentially.
Social media influencers have also partly fuelled this, posting their kids’ achievements and activities and presenting overscheduling as a positive practice because they say kids are resilient and can handle the load.
Dr Rajini every child responds differently to the environment and the stimulation they receive so quantifying what's healthy and what's overscheduling can be difficult. — Dr RAJINI SARVANATHAN
But developmental paediatrician Dr Rajini Sarvanathan says society cannot have a tunnel vision on this issue. “We can’t just blame social media for this,” she says.
“For decades now, whenever major exam results are released, we only highlight students who achieve good grades and schools reward those who do well. Parents only highlight to others what their children excel in, often hiding away their challenges. This (drives) advertising and often, parents think (enrolling their young ones in) programmes are the way for the children to achieve future success,” she adds.
Sunway Medical Centre clinical psychologist Evelyn Ngui Ailing agrees that the root of overscheduling runs deep in societal beliefs that success is defined by academic achievements.
“Perhaps parents feel that their life is good today because they studied well, or that it isn’t good because they didn’t. Either way, these parents want a better future for their children so they give their kids more opportunities and exposure,” she says.
Ngui says overscheduling is more about parental anxiety than the actual needs of the child.
“Overscheduling can make parents feel good; when you can provide opportunities, you feel like you’re doing a good job.”
For preschoolers, unstructured play time which is child-directed is very important for them to develop their thinking, planning and own expression or creative skills.
Coaching kids
Ngui says exposure to experiences enriches a child’s life, but there’s a fine line between giving them exposure and expecting too much.
“Exposure is good, and classes allow kids to learn different skills and may unveil their abilities. But more hours don’t automatically equate translate better outcomes,” she says.
Children’s swim coach Abdullah Hafiz Abdul Jabar, 28, who coaches toddlers and children agrees that while exposure is good, pressure is not.
“Coaching kids to swim is more about easing them into the sport and making them love it, and sports in general. It’s not about packing drills and sending them for competitions when they are are not yet mentally equipped for them.
“You want kids to enjoy sports – because a healthy body is for life – and you don’t want to add stress to them, the way formal academic education sometimes does,” he says.
Abdullah Hafiz played football as a teenager and was an U21 footballer for Negri Sembilan before an anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) injury forced him to retire and pivot to swimming. Even with a competitive background, the father of one maintains that “drills and training are good for adults or older children... not young ones”.
“When I coach, I talk to the children about their days and what they like and don’t like. Coaching children is about imparting skills, communication and connection. The way you teach kids isn’t the same as how you would teach adults,” he says.
Abdullah Hafiz says sports training should be integrated with play because you want kids to enjoy sports. — ABDULLAH HAFIZ ABDUL JABAR
“If you want children to listen to you, you need to listen to them too. In sports training, there are values that coaches should impart; but when the focus is solely about skills, some of those values like sportsmanship and friendship, are lost,” he says.
Dr Rajini says children respond differently to the environment and the stimulation they receive, so quantifying what is “healthy” and what is “overscheduling” can be difficult.
“For preschoolers, child-directed unstructured play time is very important to develop their thinking, planning, ability to express themselves or creative skills. Adult-led structured activities may help children learn about rules, achieving set goals and social skills in these settings,” she says.
“Allow your child free time on their own without giving them too many toys and watch how they play. If children struggle to entertain themselves, it suggests that they need more time to engage in unstructured play. Also, watch out for physical complaints such as being tired as well as physical symptoms of aches and pains or mood changes.
“All these can signify that their mental and physical health is being affected by all the extra classes. Parents should also consider how they feel shuttling their children from one activity to another – are they spending meal times on the go, do they feel exhausted at the end of the day, do parents have the time to do anything else? If parents feel the stress, imagine what the children go through,” she adds.
Ngui says play time is like therapy to young kids. — Sunway Medical Centre
The overscheduled child
There is a breadth of evidence now that tells us how children who are overscheduled often have difficulties with their executive functioning skills. Dr Rajini says children who have been overscheduled from a young age often lack planning, problem-solving and organisational skills required for more complex tasks as they get older.
“Overscheduling often results in children relying on others to help them relax and wind down which has implications with how they deal with stress later on in their lives. While overscheduling does not directly cause depression and anxiety disorders, there is an increase in self-reported symptoms of anxiety in teens who have been overscheduled from a young age.”
Ngui says overscheduling affects a child’s physical health and may result in poor sleep, eventually impacting his or her immune system.
“Overexposure to chronic stress could also affect self-esteem,” she says, adding that that adolescents who are overscheduled may experience depressive symptoms, suicidal ideation and resistance behaviours.
“Children who are resilient may bounce back but not all, and we risk damaging their mental health,” Dr Rajini adds.
Public relations executive Jenny Low, 23, recalls her childhood as an overscheduled child as “rather overwhelming.”
“My weekends were packed. Every Saturday, my first session starts at 9am and runs all the way to around 4pm, with breaks in-between. I used to attend dance classes in different genres, singing classes, and mental arithmetic classes,” she says.
“I first started ballet when I was six but stopped when I started primary school. At nine, my mum wanted me to try hip hop. I tried, but didn’t really enjoy it and quit a year later. When I was 11, she signed me up for Latin dance classes, and I really enjoyed it and have been doing it for almost 10 years,” she adds.
Low says as a child, her weekends were packed with training and classes. — JENNY LOW ZHI YI
Low says like all parents, her mother wanted her children to do well in school and learn different skills, so she looked into various classes like art, dancing and piano.
“But even though she decided on the classes, she would always check in with us to see how we were doing. If we really didn’t enjoy a class, she’d ask why and respect our decision if we choose to stop,” she adds.
Low admits that her childhood was overscheduled but, fortunately, she thoroughly enjoyed dancing. “It was a way for me to escape the academic-related stress,” she says.
Low was so good at dancing that when she was 14, she became an assistant dance teacher, leading and teaching students aged from three to nine.
“It was really a huge achievement and a proud moment for me. When I look back, it was really tiring back then, but it has shaped who I am today.”
But things were different for her younger brother who didn’t like any of the classes he was enrolled in.
“He felt uncomfortable with lots of people surrounding him. There was a lot of homework to de done after school and when he was tired, he just became so unmotivated to attend the classes and ended up skipping them.
“But my sister and I had a lot of fun, and we didn’t complain even though our schedules were packed after school and on weekends. Now that I have started working, it’s a little challenging for me to allocate time for dance classes,” she says.
What children really need
Children need to develop a variety of skills, some of which adults don’t even think about.
“Adults often focus so much on the learning goals, but not about the foundations we need to set for children to be successful in the long term. Some of these skills include developing good motor, language, memory, self-regulation, flexibility in thinking, problem solving and social skills,” she says.
“The best way to learn many of these skills is through real life experiences and engagement with others. Children need to learn to make mistakes and solve problems for themselves. Learning from an early age to think about others is vital, as much as how they feel and how their actions will affect others, and why it is important to respect others. Parents have to model and teach their young ones how to respect boundaries and rules and why we have them,” she says.
Ngui says that parents sometimes treat kids like “miniature adults”, when they are not.
“Parents think when kids are idle, they’re wasting their time, which is incorrect. Unstructured play time is like therapy for young kids, this is the time they process what they are feeling, regulate their moods and digest things about their life,” she says.
“Adults already have these coping skills and we know how to manage our life. Kids are still learning these skills so they need this free play to help them manage,” she says.
Ngui emphasises the importance in developing values in kids, even more than skills.
“A good set of values gives excellence to skills, because skills alone aren’t enough. Values should support skill building. For example, when it comes to sports, more than competitiveness, what’s important is sportsmanship, including accepting defeat gracefully,” she says.
Dr Rajini says having free time every day is important as it allows children to decide for themselves what they are going to do (without screens) to fill up their time.
“Remember that family time should not only be dictated by parents; children should have a say too,”
She adds that it is also good for children to be bored because it is through boredom that kids plan strategies, develop problem-solving skills, improve flexibility and creativity.
“Remember that it’s ok for children to be busy and occupied so they don’t spend hours on gadgets – but they should be busy with activities that they want to do and create on their own and not going for classes or activities that we assign to them,” Dr Rajini adds.
Ngui says what parents need is to create a stimulating environment at home. “Don’t feel bad if you cannot afford any extra class, there are a lot of daily activities that can teach life lessons to kids,” she concludes.
