The pursuit of perfection poses negative effects in children's development. — 123rf
MUHAMMAD Zaryq Mohd Yuzri, 12, will only leave home looking immaculate. He personally selects what he wants to wear; planning his outfits and prioritising those that he says look nice on him and are comfortable.
“Whenever he ventures out, he always wants to look his best. After putting together his look, he would wear his watch and apply hair cream. He never misses these steps,” says his father, Mohd Yuzri Mohd Noh, 52, about his only child.
The TV station producer explains that Zaryq began paying attention to his appearance two years ago. “He started to be very attuned to his daily appearance. As parents, we fully respect his choices, even though sometimes we have to put our foot down when we think something is too much,” he adds.
Mohd Yuzri admits that his son’s fixation on personal presentation may stem from his parents, especially his mother, Zabidatul Wahdia Hamdan who always emphasises the importance of taking care of one’s appearance.
“His habits actually paid off when his school named him Personality Ambassador (Duta Sahsiah) as an exemplary student who dresses well and is always neat in school,” he says.
While striving for excellence or perfection may seem like a positive trait both in kids and adults, it doesn’t come without drawbacks. In an interview with CNBC early this year, Dr Allison Butler, a psychology professor at Bryant University in the United States says perfectionism doesn’t make kids any more likely to become successful adults.
“In fact, it’s a contributing factor to mental health issues like anxiety and low self-esteem,” she says.
Mohd Yuzri, however, doesn’t see his son as a perfectionist. “He is still very young and I think his behaviour changes as he grows older. At this age, he is still looking for his footing. But he does get distressed sometimes, when he loses at video games or when his appearance is not up to his mark. And as parents, when that happens, we need to guide him through his emotions,” he adds.
Yeng (right) and her husband, Chee, with their children (from left) Naiomi, Keona and Kenroy. — LUISA YENG
Noticing perfectionism
Mother of three Luisa Yeng, 46, never really considered her children as perfectionists until she and her husband, Kevin Chee, noticed certain traits in one of them that suggested this tendency.
Her only son, Kenroy Chee, 13, is terrified of failure, has negative thinking patterns and is highly sensitive to criticism. Yeng also says her son has low self-esteem and is competitive. “For us, these are red flags, and we are constantly working with him to overcome them daily,” she says.
If they do not address these red flags, Yeng fears that Kenroy avoids trying if he can’t see himself winning, fails to learn how to view feedback or criticism as an ally, and adopts a fixed mindset, missing out on his full potential.
“Worse, he may even push others down to elevate himself,” she adds.
Yeng says her son’s perfectionist trait is in areas where he has higher expectations of himself, like art. Kenroy, she says, is good in art with an exceptional choice of colours and proportions, and always performs better than his peers in school.
“So, there is this expectation on himself whenever it comes to art because that is his identity,” she says.
Clinical psychologist Dr Pamilia Lourdunathan says perfectionist kids expect a lot from themselves. “Because of this, they may also experience burnout and fatigue, social isolation and chronic stress and anxiety that may lead to physical health consequences.”
In extreme cases, these children even have writing paralysis, leaving exam papers blank due to the fear of making a mistake or “appearing dumb”.
“In their head, they would rather gain a 0 mark for that question than risk making a mistake,” says Pamilia.
Muhammad Zaryq with his parents Mohd Yuzri and Zabidatul Wahdia. — Photos: MOHD YUZRI MOHD NOH
Parents must listen
“Children are very straightforward. They wear their feelings on their sleeves. Whenever I see Zaryq feeling distressed, I tread softly to have our dad-son talks,” says Mohd Yuzri.
Without any judgement or pressure, Mohd Yuzri lets his son freely speak about his feelings, problems or frustrations.
“Most importantly, I want him to share what he feels about the problem because he needs to know that we need a clear mind to solve any issue,” he adds.
Even though he is a weekend father – he works and lives in Sungai Buloh, Selangor, while his family is in Ipoh, Perak – Mohd Yuzri ensures these dad-son talks happen regularly.
“The talk may not solve the problem, but at least it helps him feel comfortable talking about his feelings and emotions,” he says.
As a parenting coach, Yeng puts her reflective listening skills to good use when her son is under stress. “I will listen and respond minimally to allow him to keep talking and ask questions to help him focus on what is important and what is in his control,” says Yeng.
This listening method, she says, allows Kenroy to express his thoughts while helping him to feel comfortable to share.
“This is possible because I consciously stop myself from immediately correcting or judging him, and at an appropriate time, I will casually slip in perspective,” Yeng adds.
While listening to their children’s problems is important, Pamilia advises parents to also look out for signs if this perfectionism trait is leading their child to serious mental health issues.
“When the need to be constantly perfect keeps them from doing their best at school, particularly when it starts to significantly affect their daily lives and functioning, parents need to seek professional help,” she adds.
She says parents should also be wary when their children start to have negative self-talk which can be very self-deprecating and makes kids discount any positivity in their life.
Pamilia says parents can help manage children’s perfectionism by emphasising on effort and fostering a growth mindset. — PAMILIA LOURDUNATHAN
Balancing act
Pamilia says parents can help manage their children’s perfectionism by emphasising on effort and fostering a growth mindset.
“Encourage and validate their efforts while minimising focus on the need to achieve only a certain type of result. If they feel that their best was not good enough, teach them to reevaluate,” says the psychology lecturer at the International Islamic University Malaysia (IIUM).
“It is also crucial for parents to teach their children that everyone is valuable and functions differently and every individual is born with his or her own talents and gifts.”
Yeng agrees. “It’s important to recognise that each person is unique and some traits or tendencies are innate.”
“My husband and I have a healthy view of achievement and success; we believe that everyone has the potential to be great and this takes effort, time, patience, diligence and intentionality.
“There is no pressure but there is an expectation to do one’s best. We emphasise efforts in all that we do based on our individual capabilities. That is why we celebrate progress,” she adds.
Yeng says she and her husband also apply the power of ‘yet’ when any of their children find that they are falling behind or not as proficient as others in certain aspects.
“We remind them that they are not proficient yet. Everything requires hard work and time to reach a certain level,” she adds.
Mohd Yuzri adds: “Children need to know failure does not mean they are wrong and success does not mean they are right,”
“I want my son to understand that if he works hard at something, he will reap the benefits. If he fails, that can be a catalyst for something good too. He needs to know it’s okay to lose and there is no shame in it,” he concludes.
