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Dear Thelma,
My husband and I have never had good sex all throughout the years of our marriage.
From the time when he snapped at me one day and said that all I ever think about was sex, I didn’t have the nerve to ask him for sex again whenever I needed it, and I always had to grit my teeth and hope that he would make a move. I even had to resort to getting it from other sources, without his knowledge of course.
We have in fact stopped having sex for the past 10 years or so. We still sleep in the same room but on separate beds. I look upon him now as more of a live-in companion rather than a husband. But during these 10 years, my body suddenly stopped having urges and I got along fine even without any close proximity.
But recently, I started having urges again and I dread to say it’s been nagging at me for the past few days. I used to be able to do it on my own but found that I could not anymore. I badly need my husband to help me but dread that he might scorn me again. But the urges are getting more difficult to handle. I do not want to get it from others anymore.
Please tell me what should I do, Thelma? Should I ask him to help? How will I handle it if he rejects me again? I am not asking him to make love to me, just help me (relieve my urges), that’s all.
Wife-in-need
Thank you for writing in about such a tricky personal issue. A lot of people struggle with this, but are too shy to speak out. So, let’s dive in!
There are two basic issues here: you find sex with your partner unfulfilling, and you are also mismatched in terms of sex drive.
Mainstream advice is to talk it over. In theory, people say they’re unhappy and then practise different techniques or styles of lovemaking. It can become a game, especially if you use a good sex guide.
Sex drive is not easy to change. However, as sex is about emotional connection as well as physical activity, defining what works can help couples connect.
In practice, talking about sex is difficult because we tend to take it personally. The “can we try something different tonight” is perceived as a personal criticism. Tempers rise, and as there is no way forward during a quarrel, the subject becomes a source of frustration and anger.
Sadly, this is where you are at. You know what you want, however, you cannot broach the subject at all now because there is too much anger associated with the subject.
You might write a letter, a very short one, pointing out your needs. Perhaps the distance of reading rather than a conversation might bypass the difficult feelings.
However, my first choice would be couples therapy. Letters are difficult to write and also, it’s unlikely that this can be fixed with one note – this will probably take a lot of conversation. Therefore, I recommend roping in a professional who will help you two to talk about this sensibly.
Ideally, you see the therapist by yourself and discuss your thoughts. You also explain clearly what may be shared and what may not be shared. For example, you may want to keep your historic affairs private.
Your husband does the same.
Then you have a joint session where you share feelings in a safe space, and work towards figuring out where you can make compromises for each other.
Couples counselling is not always easy because it can uncover hidden problems. For example, there may be reasons your husband’s libido has disappeared completely that are unknown to you – health issues, for example. So take it slowly, and keep an open mind.
On the positive side, it’s surprising how much effective change can come from a good, openhearted discussion. If you can process the anger and frustration, and build on the love you have for each other, plus some tweaks, you may revitalise your physical relationship.
Should your husband refuse to go, then change is unlikely. If this happens, you will need to ask yourself if this is a dealbreaker.
Given you’ve been married a long time, don’t make hasty decisions that stem from hurt. Wait, think it through, and if you can, talk it over with someone you trust or a therapist.
I hope this helps you move forward. Please know that I’m thinking of you.
