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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 10 years. He sought my parents' blessing for our marriage. However, they said we are not ready and our work is unstable.
They also think that we are rushing into marriage.
In fact, we have plans, and we are in our 30s already. My boyfriend even owns a house and a car, and his career is quite stable. I do not see any problem as I am also working.
My mum used to have dinner with us occasionally. However, after he asked for her blessing, she no longer wants to have dinner with him. I feel that she is avoiding him. Sometimes, I even feel that she harbours some animosity towards him.
My boyfriend's grandparents and family have been eagerly waiting for us to get married.
Many people have advised me to reassure my mum so that she might let me go. I have been taking care of her for a long time.
I feel very disappointed and stressed with all of this. Sometimes, I feel suffocated. Please help, Thelma.
Miss X
Thank you for writing such a clear, concise letter.
You're well into adulthood, your relationship has lasted 10 years, and yet your parents are sabotaging your wish to marry.
You have already shared why your parents are sabotaging you, but perhaps you are too close to it to see.
You don’t mention any of the usual reasons that make a relationship impossible: Violence and addiction. So I’m assuming that your relationship is a normal, happy, healthy one.
So why won’t they give you their blessing? What you have pointed out is that your parents have made you responsible for their marriage.
Your father lives his happy life and pretends he’s not married. He also dumps his wife’s needs on you. Your mum goes along with this. She abdicates all responsibility for herself and leans on you.
Put bluntly, your parents are sabotaging you because they want you to give up your life and serve their own needs only.
This is not right.
Parents have a duty to bring up kids to be responsible, independent adults. That's it.
Kids are not servants, insurance, or investment products.
Yes, in loving families, we take care of each other. It's perfectly natural for older kids to help their elderly parents. But it doesn't mean the older generation get to suck the life out of the younger ones. Or withhold blessings from perfectly happy relationships.
You are suffocating because you are being kept from a very natural path: Your own life. As you have already given up some years of married life, don't hesitate. Marry your love and be happy.
But before you do so, sit down with your fiancé and work out exactly what you will do for your parents in the future.
When doing this, remember that your parents are grownups. They are not your dependent children. If they have issues they want input on, they take them to their peers: Their own brothers, sisters, and cousins. As their child, you are out of their marriage.
Maybe you want to give them some pocket money. Or help spring-clean the house properly once a month.
Whatever it is you will do for them, put it down in black and white, like a contract, and make sure that you and your partner are on the same page.
Once you're married, share what you'll do and stick to it. Your partner should back you up so you’re a united front.
Don't worry if your parents kick up a fuss. I say this because your parents are shamelessly selfish.
Think of them like spoilt toddlers. Expect tantrums, tears, and other kinds of emotional blackmail. Hold strong, don't give in, and they'll learn that their games won't work.
I'm speaking very directly to you because your friends and future in-laws have already advised you these circumstances are not right. They have already told your mother she’s in the wrong.
Hopefully, this letter will get you thinking for yourself and what you need to do to get a life of your own.
My advice in a nutshell: Marry your partner, lean in with the people who support you, and please accept my wishes for many happy years together.
