The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.
Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I am writing to seek your advice on a delicate matter that has been weighing heavily on my mind.
Earlier this year, my adult child and their partner decided to part ways. This separation has created a noticeable awkwardness between our families, as we had grown quite close over the years. We frequently enjoyed meals together and went on outings, and also exchanged gifts on special occasions, thus forming a bond that extended beyond our children’s relationship.
Now that they have separated, I am unsure how to proceed. Should the parents on both sides continue to maintain our previous level of interaction, or would it be more appropriate to distance ourselves to avoid any discomfort? On one hand, I value the friendship and connection we have built. On the other hand, I don't want to cause any additional strain or awkwardness for either family or our children.
I am at a loss as to how to navigate this situation. How can we move forward in a way that respects the feelings of everyone involved?
Friends or not?
Thanks for writing in on this very interesting issue. The short answer is that there is no firm etiquette.
Ideally, the separation is amicable for your child and your relationships with extended connections stay warm and fresh. However, this is seldom the case.
Our emotions at the ending of a long-term relationship mirrors our response to grief at a death. Breakups therefore have phases. We go through cycles of shock, denial, hoping for reconciliation, sadness, and anger. Once that ends, we move on and find peace again.
If a breakup is mutual and there is no cheating, lying, or betrayal, we tend to try to remain friends. That works until there is friction and the couple hit the anger phase.
Typically, these strains are echoed in the family. For example, if your child and their partner wrangle over who gets the sofa or how to share the pension investment, you will feel that disagreement.
Friends and family can promise not to take sides, but that ideal can be awfully hard to maintain in real life. If your friends were to criticise your child, for example, you will find it hard not to defend your offspring.
Breakups are traumatic. For some, the difficult emotions kill good feelings permanently. For others, time heals and the people in the relationship return to their friendship.
There’s no way to tell what will happen, so this won’t be easy. Your goal is to try and salvage your friendships. You think those connections are independent from the family ties that come from the relationship that is now breaking up.
I think the best way forward is to speak to your child. They will be upset, grieving and coping with a lot of change. As a parent, put them first for now.
Say, “I like your ex’s family, but you come first. How do you feel we should move forward?”
Then listen.
If your child tells you to go ahead and do as you please, it may still not mean the other family will. Their own child may ask them to take a step back. Again, explain your wishes clearly and succinctly, and then listen.
Should everyone want to keep talking, do so, but stay away from discussing the breakup. No good can come from that.
If your child or the other family say they need a break, be gracious about it. Step back and let them work through it.
Once the breakup is over, you can send a note of friendship. Holidays are a good time for that. A Christmas, Chinese New Year or Ramadan card plus an invitation to a party is a nice light way to rekindle a friendship.
So, go with the flow, and with a little luck you won’t lose your happy connections. Good luck and let me know how it goes.
