Mutual friends in particular tend to shut you out at some point after your partner's death. — dpa
COUPLES often like to hang out with other couples. Whether you meet once a week to play cards or go on holidays together, for many people their partnership and circle of friends are intertwined.
But when their partner passes away, many suddenly notice that their mutual friends are no longer inviting them over.Women especially tend to find themselves excluded by their couple friends after their partner's death.
"Men are more likely to be pitied, comforted and invited to dinner. However, when women lose a partner, their close circle of friends often withdraws," says grief therapist and author Roland Kachler.
Couples in particular keep their distance. "A single woman is often perceived as a threat to existing couples," he points out.
Men less dangerous?
Men rarely experience such a "secondary loss" – losing their couple friends after having lost their partner.
"Men are not perceived as a great risk to a relationship because people believe they are more likely to find a new partner," says Kachler. Such beliefs are often grounded in statistics which indicate a surplus of widowed and single women aged around 60, according to the therapist.
Carmen Birkholz, who chairs Germany's federal association for grief support, is also familiar with such reactions. While they don't matter as much in the first weeks after a death, the phase of acute grief, "that changes later on, when the widows are less fragile and regain their self-confidence," she says.
In her experience, friends are less likely to reject you after your partner's death if you have spent time with them individually before, and not just as part of a couple.
Environment cannot bear grief
After a loss, friends sometimes also turn their backs on you for another reason. "Generally speaking, people tend to grieve longer than those around them can endure," says Birkholz, a theologian.
That can lead to your friends feeling the need to tell you that "Nothing has changed, everything is the same. You are still one of us!"
At first, it might feel good to hear that. But it overlooks the fact that a bereaved person is experiencing enormous change. Everything is different after losing a partner. Things simply cannot stay the same.
Splits into two groups
So what can you do if you notice that your mutual friends are suddenly avoiding you?
"You have to be realistic about it," says Kachler. Do not try to force or expect anything. "Allow this process to unfold and learn to understand that this is going to happen."
After your partner's death, a mutual circle of friends will inevitably change, according to the therapist.
Some may turn away, while others may be able to handle the situation better. Good friends will stand by their bereaved friend, Kachler says.
Being a good friend to a grieving person doesn't mean telling them "If you need something, just get in touch."
A mourning person usually won't take the initiative as they lack energy to ask for help, Kachler says. Plus they often don't want to burden anyone.
In the worst case, that can lead to the bereaved person becoming increasingly isolated: they don't reach out to others while their friends are waiting for them to get in touch.
Identity change
Under no circumstances should you pressure your friends to stay in touch, however, Kachler says. "If you have called several times and got no reaction, then don't make yourself small or wait and keep hoping. That won't lead to anything."
Some people even find consciously withdrawing from other couples for a while helps them to heal, says Birkholz, especially as you may need time to come to terms with your emotions and your identity shift from couple to single.
Being surrounded by couples can be hurtful after losing a partner because "you are no longer part of a couple yourself," she says.
Your friends might find this hard to understand, but telling them "you can't understand, you still have your husband" won't help, according to Birkholz.
So sometimes taking a step back and focusing on other people instead is the better option. – dpa
