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Dear Thelma,
I am the eldest of three siblings. All of us are currently in our 40s and we each have our own families and careers. We live on our own, while our parents continue to reside in our hometown in Kedah.
A deeply troubling family dynamic has continued into our adulthood. It is something that I have observed over time and not merely based on conversations with my brother or sister.
As we have grown older, I anticipated that sibling conflicts and petty rivalries would naturally diminish, allowing us to become more united despite our individual differences. Unfortunately, this has not been the case for my family. Instead, we seem to be drifting further apart, and I attribute much of this growing disconnect and discontent to the actions of our parents.
While it is widely acknowledged that parents may have a favourite child despite their claims of loving all of their children equally, what concerns me is the manipulation and dishonesty that my parents have employed, often portraying themselves as victims. This behaviour has, knowingly or unknowingly, created significant rifts between my siblings and me.
For instance, there were occasions when my parents told relatives that I never provided them with financial support, despite me doing so consistently. They also falsely claimed that my sister was going through a divorce during a rough patch in her marriage, one that remains intact to this day.
I have attempted to discuss these issues with my parents, trying to persuade them that the truth will eventually come to light and that honesty would foster healthier family relationships. However, these conversations have often been turned against me, with my parents accusing me of being rude. Their manipulation has made it clear that they are unwilling to acknowledge or address the root causes of our disunity.
How do I deal with this complex situation? Is there a strategy I can use to foster better understanding and unity among my siblings? Is there hope for mending these fractured relationships, or should I accept the situation as it is and focus on my own well-being?
Please help me find a path forward that encourages healing and understanding within my family.
Pained
Thank you for writing in on such a painful topic. Although few people talk about this, it’s a fairly common issue.
Your parents tell lies that slander you and your sibs. Furthermore, these lies cause misunderstandings and fights. When confronted, they claim that being older gives them the right to behave badly. Frankly, these are not good people.
You can’t control your parents’ behaviour. They know what they’re doing is wrong, and they want to continue.
So here are approaches that will help you foster positive change.
First, you can talk to your sibs, one on one, and focus entirely on your own and their news. When your parents stir up trouble, calmly and gently remind the sibling you’re talking to of one time they did this before. Then (again calmly) redirect the conversation to nicer things.
For example, “They said sister is mean? Really? Remember they also said she was getting a divorce? That wasn’t true. This doesn’t sound right either. Let’s talk about something else, how’s your oldest doing?”
By doing this repeatedly, you build up a habit of ignoring the poison and growing your personal bonds.
This is a slow system, and it is low risk.
Second, there is a faster method but it carries more risk. With this, you talk openly about your family dynamics. This will be painful but it will offer a foundation for effective change.
Consider some don’ts. Don’t delve into it too deeply. Don’t aim to fix your parents. Also, think of some do’s. Keep it short. Take notes and rehearse until you have it down to a 30-second statement.
Kick off by writing a bullet point list of three to five lies your parents have told that you all know are untrue – your not paying them, your sister not divorcing and whatever nasty thing they’ve said about your brother. Keep it very, very short.
Then contact your sibs and say, “Remember these incidents?” Then read them the list. Then continue, “Sadly, our parents lie. This situation is hurting our relationship. I have talked to them, and they have told me they don’t intend to stop. From now on, let’s not believe them. Let’s focus on us. I miss you both very much.”
If you get a good response, arrange regular one-on-one chats with each other, say once a week or fortnight, where you share your news.
Don’t talk about anything your parents say, it’s not a chat to monitor their lies. Focus on your own lives, what makes you happy, what you’re struggling with, and so on. Bond!
While this approach is clear and fast, it is also risky. If your sister or brother tell your parents what you said, they will instantly kick up a fuss.
Remember that your parents enjoy causing fights, so you cannot expect them to be reasonable. So go with the second approach only if you are certain the other two are discreet.
Third, no matter which strategy you adopt, also reflect on how you talk to your parents. Do talk to them about their lives, and on general topics that you all enjoy. If you feel safe, share snippets of your own news with them.
However, do not entertain nasty talk about your sister and brother. Again, with decent people, you can talk about this. Sadly, your parents will gaslight you and act like martyrs.
Much better to pretend there is someone at the door and you must go. Or switch to text and simply ignore nasty stuff and redirect to pleasant matters.
Your parents will kick up a fuss when they realise their poison isn’t working because they enjoy causing fights. However, if you hold firm, they will eventually learn.
Finally, I know this must be very hurtful for you. When we are children, we look up to our parents as all powerful, all wonderful beings. To learn they are human is normal, but to learn they are not nice people is a shock.
Please know it is not a reflection on you. Your parents are adults, they make their own choices just like you make your choices. It’s sad, but you can disengage from that dynamic and move forward.
I hope this helps and that in a few months from now, you have repaired relations with your sister and brother. Good luck, and know I’ll be thinking of you.
