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Dear Thelma,
I am 35 years old and married to a wonderful husband, and we have two lovely children who are currently in primary school. Both my husband and I have stable jobs, and while we're not rich, we are comfortable and do not have any financial issues.
However, I find myself increasingly worried about my husband's inability to effectively plan for our family's financial future. Ever since we knew each other, my husband has always been the happy-go-lucky, take-things-as-they-come kind of person. Perhaps this carefree attitude was one of the qualities that initially attracted me to him. But after we had our first child, I realised that our financial situation required more structure and foresight, and planning on our part.
There were daycare costs, medical and various other expenses that come with raising children. My husband, however, did not factor these into his financial planning. As a result, I ended up shouldering the responsibility of planning and paying for our child's medical expenses, insurance, and other necessities. Whenever I broach the subject of financial planning, my husband insists that he doesn't earn enough to cover these extra costs.
He gives me a certain amount of money monthly, which I manage, but as our family has grown, the financial demands have increased. Unfortunately, he has not adjusted the amount he contributes accordingly. The same pattern continued after we had our second child, compelling me to continue covering these additional expenses because I consider things like medical and education insurance to be crucial.
While we are both quite frugal and have no problem paying our bills on time, his refusal to openly discuss our finances is deeply troubling. I am concerned about future expenses, as our children will eventually enter secondary school and college, bringing new financial challenges.
I am torn between wanting to address this issue head-on and the fear of causing discord in our relationship. How can I broach this subject with my husband in a way that will make him more open to discussing our finances? Should I continue to manage on my own, or is there a way to encourage him to take these financial responsibilities more seriously?
Juggling act
You pay the bulk of the expenses, and it sounds like you’re also carrying the emotional load of the planning. That’s not unusual except that your husband is secretive about money.
He pays a fixed amount and won’t take into account that more kids mean more expenses. I’m unclear if you talked about this or not. Either way, you are also frightened of speaking up in case he reacts with anger. These are serious red flags.
To move forward, start by reminding yourself of a basic truth: Kids are the responsibility of both parents.
Parenting isn’t a formula. With two working parents, it may be split right down the middle, or one may pay in a bit more while the other does the school run and takes off time for doctor appointments. However it works, in healthy relationships, the couple talk it out together.
You’re not talking and the burden is unequal, which is unfair. In short, the situation must change.
A typical way to manage this is to have her, his, and our accounts. Ideally, you share what you both earn and you open a joint account where both of you put in agreed on amounts of money every month. Rent, bills, food – it all comes from there. You share the costs of your family life. Whatever money you keep for yourselves, you manage as you like.
I think step one is to get all your paperwork in order so it’s easy to see what’s what. Break it down into yearly and monthly expenses.
Step two is to change your mindset. Organise expenses as much as possible into needs and wants. For example, food, electricity bills, school books, and other staples must be paid. However, some items will be negotiable.
For example, you consider medical insurance to be a staple, but this is not necessarily true. Plenty of families opt for public healthcare. Also, with clothes and holidays, there are ranges of products and budgets.
When you have all the information ready, show it to him and try once more to talk to him. Hopefully, your husband sees the numbers and understands that this is a wakeup call.
If he still won’t talk, the next step is a mediator.
If you can think of a family elder who is also honest and fair, they might mediate. However, money is quite a personal and complex subject. Frankly, I’d consult an expert.
AKPK, Bank Negara's free community help centre, advises people on dealing with money issues. Contact them via akpk.org.my or phone 03-2616 7766. They have centres all over the country, so there will be one near you.
If your husband won’t talk, go to the mediator alone and have a chat. Then invite your husband to a second meeting.
If he turns up, talk with an open heart. Also, be aware that you will need to update your arrangement every two to three years because of the changing economy and your own circumstances.
While a partner should see that parenting is a joint task, I am concerned that his secrecy may signal other issues. For example, he may have debts you don’t know about, a shopping or gambling addiction, or another upsetting secret.
Finally, if he persists in secrecy and refuses to talk, despite knowing your concerns for yourself and the kids, then he is telling you he puts himself first. That would signal a bigger problem about your relationship.
Given the possibilities, I really hope he reconsiders his actions and that you can move for positive change. Please know that I’m thinking of you.
