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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I'm a woman in my late 40s. I consider myself generally happy; I have a great career, travel a lot with family and friends, and am often seen as a successful woman by societal standards. However, I am single and, while I understand the advantages and disadvantages of both married and single life, I find myself feeling a pang of disappointment at times, for not having sustained a relationship that led to marriage and possibly a family.
It's not a feeling that lingers constantly, nor does it overshadow the joy I derive from my current life. I am not envious of others, nor am I deeply pining for a relationship or a family. Yet, there are those unexpected moments when an inner voice questions the choices I've made, leaving me feeling like a failure, somewhat, in that aspect of life.
I fully acknowledge my blessings, including my loving parents who have never pressured me about marriage. I appreciate my independence and the freedom to explore life on my terms. Still, the "what ifs" persistently run through my mind, making it difficult to be completely content.
What troubles me is not the lack of a relationship per se, but rather the internal conflict and the nagging self-doubt that arise from these thoughts. I want to understand how to shift my perspective so that I can focus on the richness of my current life without the shadow of these possibilities.
I do see my blessings and am grateful for them, but I struggle to quell that lingering feeling of what might have been. I want to fully embrace my present and let go of any regret or disappointment associated with paths not taken.
How can I train my mind to stay grateful and fully present, free from the sneaky intrusion of these doubts?
Conflicted
Thank you for writing about such an interesting issue.
I don’t think anyone has a doubt-free existence, and frankly, I’d be worried if we did. We live in a complex world, and therefore our minds are always active and seeking to see where we are and what may happen next. That is a good thing because it keeps us safe.
Of course the side-effect is that these speculations can be upsetting sometimes.
But you don’t want philosophy; you want direction. So here are two suggestions.
First, anxiety is a very subtle and nasty condition because it changes our perception of reality. When we are stressed, our anxiety whispers that our inner fears are true.
So if Sam is secretly worried about his weight, then his first thought when stressed may be, “This wouldn’t happen if I were XX pounds thinner.”
Sam would have anxiety thoughts when rejected by a date, when stuck next to a rude person at a dinner, and when not getting a promotion.
Would his weight be an issue? We don’t know, right? Maybe for the date but maybe not for the other events.
The problem with anxious thoughts is that they can seem reasonable, even when they are not!
It is therefore possible that your inner thoughts are stress spikes. If that is so, see how often you have them and aim to de-stress actively. Eat properly, get enough quality sleep and plan activities that replenish your energy.
Second, sometimes our “what ifs” can be hints that something is missing in our lives. You love your life, are happy with your choices, but your stray thoughts are linked to traditional concepts.
While many women choose to stay single, it is still relatively unusual. You may have absorbed some unconscious messages from outdated stereotypes that viewed women primarily through the lens of their roles in family and society, with their value tied to traditional expectations of marriage and motherhood.
Therefore, those thoughts may signal an existential crisis, an inner uncertainty of your value or purpose in life. To work on that, I think it would be helpful if you considered your roots and your legacy.
A part of who we are is shaped by those who came before us. Spend a few months exploring your family tree. Gather stories of your grandparents and great-grandparents. Pay special attention to your aunts, great-aunts, and other female ancestors.
Exploring your family history will help you understand your roots and the connections that have helped shape you, and deepen your sense of identity.
Then look to your legacy. We all yearn for meaning and a sense of immortality, both of which provide a sense of purpose.
You are a successful person, you have many experiences (like living through many technological changes, through various events of historical significance such as the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami etc, as well as societal changes). Write a diary, one that is made for others to read in the years to come.
Alternatively, contribute in a way you find meaningful, like helping out at a soup kitchen, sponsoring pets at a shelter or donating to a local charity.
If your thoughts are signs of an existential crisis, these activities should help you deepen your sense of identity and purpose.
Finally, both situations may be true. If that is so, de-stress actively, take up a short-term new hobby of genealogy and start considering your legacy. Keep at it, and reassess in two months.
I hope this helps. Let me know how you get along – I'll be thinking of you.
