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Dear Thelma,
First and foremost, thank you for being such a great listener for so many people who have no one to turn to, for fear of either being judged as weak or who can't seem to solve their life's problems. Your advice has surely helped many, and at the very least, has made people feel heard and understood.
They say everything we are as adults, is a reflection of our childhood, and I couldn't agree more. I was brought up as the first child to young parents who, I assumed, were struggling to find their financial footing and manage having children.
My parents were strict, and as an adult, I now see that they were sometimes even unreasonable. I went through a lot of physical punishment as a child. I was caned for being a few minutes late coming back from my friend's house, lectured for taking money from my piggy bank to buy my mum a present without them investigating why I did it first. I went to school with cane marks, and my teachers asked me why. They were sympathetic but didn't want to meddle in domestic matters.
Now, I am a mother to two children, aged seven and five. Although I have grown up understanding that physical punishment does nothing good for children except to traumatise them or make them scared of being punished, I find myself sometimes repeating the same patterns.
When my children's behaviour triggers my anger, I sometimes pinch them hard and regret it immediately. I see myself turning into my parents, and it scares me. I think I have internalised the punishments I grew up with, and I get easily triggered by kids' behaviour that is natural for their age and stems from their lack of reasoning and emotional regulation.
It's something that goes back and forth in my head. There are days when I am able to stay sane despite their behaviour but there are also times when I get so overwhelmed with work and managing the home that I fall into this “getting triggered” trap. As an adult, I know my children will emulate how I regulate my emotion, so I need to improve myself.
I want to break this cycle, Thelma, but sometimes I fail. Do you have any advice or strategies that I, or other parents with similar childhood experiences, can apply to raise emotionally regulated and calm children? I really want to be a better parent and provide a loving, understanding environment for my kids, where they can learn and grow without fear.
Breaking the cycle
Thank you for writing about this hugely popular and rather taboo subject. Here are some thoughts.
First, we have had a massive shift in parenting recently, and so many people are worried about the new normal.
In the past, violence was an accepted part of parenting. We would expect a jail sentence for attacking a person with a cane, but violence against little ones was common. Canes, rods, hairbrushes, shoes – if you think about it, the world was a mad place.
So you’re not alone! There are millions of mums and dads struggling with this.
Second, change is hard. We tend to go back to old normals, especially when stressed. Here’s how to make the transition to a new and healthier family legacy.
Start by internalising your motivations for change. This will help you get into a helpful mindset. You’ve already started on this but let me lay it out for other readers.
We know that kids learn from us adults, and we do not want them to learn that violence is acceptable.
If we teach kids that it’s OK to beat others, they will copy and repeat that violence. They will hit their friends in school, and when they grow up they will think that violence is an acceptable tool. They may also be OK with accepting violent partners.
In addition, while we knew that severe abuse damages kids, new studies reveal even mild physical punishment such as spanking damages mental health.
Put simply, if a child learns that he or she is not safe from pain even with loved ones, that kid becomes super sensitive to danger. This is why spanking and other violence is linked to increased risk of anxiety, depression, and other issues.
If you journal about the reasons you choose to walk away from spanking, pinching and other acts, you’ll find it easier to choose your behaviour.
Next, understand your own triggers. When you are tired, you regress to copying your parents. So be aware of your stress levels.
That means learning exactly what triggers you, and if it happens, taking a breath, and getting yourself back into a healthy zone. You may count to 10, find eight colours, suck a sweet, do some brief push-ups – do what works for you.
If you find this hard, and you find your own legacy is haunting you, scheduling a few conversations with a therapist can help. Pick one who helps adults overcome childhood abuse.
Finally, adjust your expectations. Kids are not naturally emotionally regulated and calm! They’re chock full of energy, learning all the time, and they’re going to make every mistake we did and probably some new ones too.
And that is perfectly OK.
Your kids are five and seven years old. They’re only just beginning to learn how to build and maintain healthy relationships. As for their stress response management, those are also still very hit and miss. Expect the next few years to be busy and full of surprises.
I strongly suggest that you give them opportunities every day to discharge their energy. Playing tag, bouncing balls, a sport or dance. Let them have lots of physical play time so they run off their kid energy.
Once they’re doing their running around, you will find them motivated to behave nicely when you need them to. As an adult, that means teaching them the usual basic manners: When indoors, it is indoor voices and indoor activities.
The long game is to teach them how to build healthy relationships and nice manners. You can read up on this, but the basic steps are simple.
Kids copy us, so be sure to model positive relationships. As an adult, you must be kind, polite and patient.
In addition, there is the active teaching. Lectures don’t work. It’s all about interaction, or active learning.
Teach the kids to feel and understand their emotions. Asking, “What did you feel there?” leads naturally to asking, “How do you think your friend felt when that happened?” These little chats help build self-knowledge, empathy and self-regulation.
Chat daily. Eat together and put away the screens. Be a family and have a conversation. If you teach the kids to trust you now, you’ll know what they’re going through so you can guide them. And when they’re teens, you’ll be very grateful for that deep bond.
Kids are learning to deal with others every day, so use that, especially when it comes to fights, bullying, and so on. Talking through what to do will help the kids learn effective ways to express themselves and to come through life’s little troubles with grace.
Praise the behaviour you want: Kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity. We tend to focus on praising just results but actually it is the learning and the motivation that we want to encourage. So let them know their efforts are seen.
Finally, help your kids set boundaries and resist emotional blackmail. Saying no is a wonderful life skill that will prevent undue stress and being bullied.
This is tough but it starts with teaching them they don’t let others touch them (not even that well-meaning grabby uncle or aunt). Teach them etiquette and back them up when they put down boundaries with adults.
By guiding your child with patience and support, you help them form the building blocks for healthy, respectful and caring relationships as they grow.
Above all, try not to worry too much. There is an epidemic of family estrangement because we no longer tolerate systematic nastiness. However, that doesn’t mean that every little error will be held against you. As long as your main behaviour is kind, patient and fair, you will build loving family connections.
So good luck and know I’m wishing you all the best.
