The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.
Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I come from a family of five, which includes my siblings, my parents, and myself.
My parents are in their 50s, and recently, I have been struggling with something quite uncomfortable. I’ve started hearing them make sexual noises at night, which is new and very distracting for me. I’ve never experienced this before, and it’s affecting my ability to fall asleep, especially since I wake up early for work and need quality rest.
Growing up in a conservative family, discussing such matters is difficult. We don’t even use terms like “boyfriend” and instead refer to people as “friends”. I’m unsure how to approach this topic with my parents without causing discomfort or embarrassment.
ALSO READ: Dear Thelma: My husband won’t have sex with me but I have my needs
While I understand and respect their desire to maintain a fulfilling relationship, I believe they should consider measures like locking the door to preserve privacy and minimise the impact on the rest of the family.
Could you offer any guidance on how to address this issue with sensitivity and respect? I would appreciate your advice on the best steps to take.
Miss Modesty
You find your rest and therefore your energy and overall health is under threat due to sex noises emanating from your parents’ room.
As you sensibly point out, you know in your head that they have the right to a fulfilling relationship but that doesn’t mean you are comfortable acknowledging that in person while suggesting they close the door or dial down the X-rated moaning.
Please consider that the parent-child relationship is special and talking about this subject to mum and dad is typically challenging even for those of us who usually chat happily about sexual relations.
For this reason, it is proper etiquette to indulge in vagueness and if necessary, an outright White Lie.
ALSO READ: Dear Thelma: My colleague acts like we're more than friends
This may sound a bit odd from a therapist who advocates authenticity as a mainstay of mental health. However, a white lie prioritises kindness, compassion, or social good where strict truth-telling would cause shame, awkwardness, or social friction. Also, the white lie does not in any way promote or allow harm.
I suggest you mention to your mum that the walls are thin, and that from time to time you hear odd noises, especially at night.
Look vague and say, “Definitely snoring sometimes. And some odd banging. I thought you might be watching YouTube on your phone too? It’s not important but could you close the door at night?”
Your mum will get it! Or she won’t understand but still shut the door.
Also, buy foam earplugs. They’re easy to buy, cheap and effective. Just make sure to test you can hear your alarm before you put them in.
Good luck and as Shakespeare put it so aptly, may you soon enjoy the honey-heavy dew of slumber.
