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Dear Thelma,
I am a 38-year-old father of three children, currently in my second marriage.
Five years ago, my ex-wife and I went through a bitter divorce, and even now, we are still not on good terms.
I have a son with my ex-wife, and a son and daughter with my current wife. The divorce was primarily my fault as I had an extramarital affair which led to the breakup of our marriage. I understand her frustration and have come to terms with the situation, even though it sometimes strains my relationship with my eldest son, who lives with her.
I provide financial support for my ex-wife and my son to ensure that money is not an issue for them, and I try to spend as much time as possible with my son. However, my ex-wife does not allow me to bring him to my new house to meet my new family.
While the relationship with my ex-wife remains strained, the more pressing issue for me is the relationship with my parents. Since the crisis and subsequent divorce, my parents have taken my ex-wife's side and, until now, have been unable to forgive me for my actions. They refuse to see me and my new family, despite my efforts to reach out, apologise, and ask for their forgiveness. It has now been five years, and the situation remains unchanged.
I have a good relationship with my two siblings, but even they have not been successful in convincing my parents to forgive me. I understand that what I did was wrong, but I am not a bad person. I support my ex-wife financially so she can raise our son without needing to work, and I am doing my best to be a good husband and father to my current family. Despite these efforts, the lack of acceptance and forgiveness from my parents weighs heavily on me.
I am struggling to cope with this situation and feel a deep sense of longing for reconciliation with my parents. How do I remain patient and hopeful that one day they will accept me back into the family? Are there any approaches that I can take to help mend this broken relationship?
Sad
Thank you for writing about a very painful issue. This can’t have been easy. And now, I’m going to tell you a few things you won’t like to hear. Read it anyway, because I think I may have a way forward for you.
You were married, with a child and you chose to cheat. Today you want yourself, your new wife and family to be treated with the same respect and consideration as you were when you were first married. However, your parents will not talk to you.
You appear to be feeling a bit sorry for yourself and telling yourself that it’s not really your fault. But the truth is that if you are in a marriage, you stick to the agreement. If you don’t want to do that, the honourable way forward is to arrange for a separation. Once you are separated, you are both free to see who you like.
The problem with adultery is that it has devastating consequences.
To have an affair you must choose to tell lie after lie to your spouse, so that you can get away with cheating. To the person who is deceived, that repeated betrayal is soul-destroying.
When the affair becomes public knowledge, the wronged spouse will also face humiliation, shame and judgement. This is because some people will judge the victim for being deceived rather than judge the cheater for their behaviour.
Your ex is polite to you. I expect that is partly because she knows a boy should bond with his father and partly because she’s not in the position to give him the comfortable life he would have had if you had honoured your vows.
I suspect your parents are horrified by your behaviour because they understand the impact of it.
Assuming that your current wife is the lady you had an affair with, your parents blame the both of you for lying, and for shaming your first wife, your eldest son, and also their family name.
You want to move on because you don’t like to think about your actions. You want to focus on your new family and on current effort. But forgiveness starts with accountability.
Cheating is always a choice. Aside from the straightforward fallout from your poor choices, you have talked yourself into some poor thinking.
You have a duty to maintain your son until he is an adult. It is only when the child grows up that the parents move on to full financial independence. So stop thinking of alimony as if it’s a gift; it’s a basic duty.
As for your wife not allowing your son to see your new family, that may be because she doesn’t want him mixing with the woman you cheated on her with.
In addition, kids often believe they are to blame for their parents’ divorce. Also, seeing a parent move on with another family is heartbreaking to a child. If they do see the other family, there is the problem of constant comparison.
Given the psychological strain, it takes considerable effort to make blended families work. Given the circumstances, your wife may just not be up to working that out with your new family.
You may not like what I have said. However, I urge you to consider it. You say you miss your parents so here’s a chance to make amends.
Think it through and when you are done, write a proper heartfelt letter detailing your actions, the damage it has done, and apologise for it.
Send it to your parents and to your ex-wife. I believe that if you address this with humility and true regret, it may heal some of the hurt so you can all move on to better happiness.
Good luck and know I’ll be thinking of you all.
