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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I'm facing a significant decision in my life that's causing me a great deal of stress. I'm a 35-year-old single professional, and my parents are in their 70s. I've always been very close to them, especially in recent years as they've aged.
Due to my single status and despite my demanding career, I've taken on the primary responsibility for caring for my parents. This includes everything, from scheduling medical appointments to planning vacations. I've grown accustomed to this role and feel comfortable and fulfilled in it.
Recently, I was offered a five-year assignment in Europe. While I'm not particularly ambitious, I'm also not opposed to the opportunity. However, the thought of leaving my parents for such a long period fills me with anxiety. I worry about their health and well-being, and I'm afraid of missing out on important moments in their lives.
My parents and siblings have been supportive of my decision, but I'm still struggling to come to terms with it. I feel torn between my personal and professional goals. On the one hand, I want to provide for my parents and be there for them during their later years. On the other hand, I want to seize this opportunity and expand my horizons.
At the crossroads
Thank you for writing in on this. This is a classic struggle and so I think many readers will be struggling with this. Here are my two sen.
You have been working hard at managing your parents’ schedules. In a way, you have become the parent. When this happens, we tend to think that if we let go, nothing will get done. So we hold on.
The truth is that if you were to vanish mysteriously into thin air, your siblings would take over. They’d probably stumble a few times, but they’d learn as they go along.
Also, your parents are in their 70s but if they don’t have conditions like dementia, they’re still adults!
So while your sibs would make arrangements, your parents could help too. The change would not be seamless but it would be fine.
You say that your sibs are supportive, so they can and will step up.
As for the opportunity to be abroad for a few years. That is typically a limited opportunity. I say this because getting visas is often dependent on age.
The easiest visas to get are for people aged 25 to 35, young professionals who have some worthy skills and who are likely to pay lots of tax. They deliver to the host country which compensates for their taking up a job, home, health services etc.
The other easier visas are for very talented professionals – professors, specialist doctors and specialist engineers. Countries are happy for them to be there because they deliver super rare skills. Sometimes they offer them tax breaks and other incentives!
You don’t say what you do, and it is possible that you have super rare skills. If so, then you can probably do what you want when you want.
But if you’re not, then this opportunity may not come again, not because of you but because of how visas work.
Working abroad with a company that values you is a wonderful experience. It will broaden your horizons, enrich your daily life, and turbocharge your career.
Aside from this, people who are about to pass on tend to worry about the things they turned down: Holidays, trips, opportunities.
My suggestion is that your parents will be fine with your sibs, and this will be an amazing experience for you. Therefore, I think you should go.
I hope this helps. Know that I’m thinking of you all, and if you go, send us a postcard!
