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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 / 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999 / 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 / email sam@befrienders.org.my / befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I’m feeling very confused and conflicted about something, and I need your help. I’ve found myself falling for my elder sister’s boyfriend, and the worst part is, I know he feels the same way about me. I didn’t mean for this to happen.
At first, it was just innocent conversations when we’d all hang out, but over time, something changed. We started making eye contact more often, talking more deeply, and I could feel the connection between us growing.
I love my sister, and I know this situation is wrong, but I can’t help the way I feel. I don’t want to hurt her or ruin our relationship, but the attraction between her boyfriend and me is undeniable. I’m caught in a web of guilt and desire, unsure of what to do.
Should I distance myself from him completely and try to bury these feelings, or is there any way to handle this situation without causing pain?I really don’t know how to move forward.
Thanks for writing in on a classic topic. Here are some thoughts that should help you move forward.
First, crushes are common. Attraction isn’t logical and it certainly takes us to some unexpected places. We feel what we feel.
Second, behaviour is a choice. If you are in the office and you feel your boss is a twit, you continue to act with respect. If you see something scary and your little cousin is freaking out, you act calm and reassure her.
Put the two together and you know the correct course of action: You acknowledge to yourself what you feel and you choose the behaviour you want.
Ideally, when we feel a crush for a person already in a relationship, we admit it to ourselves – and then we move on to behave with calm, common politeness.
Indulging in deep talks and more eye contact isn’t right. You may be single but he is in a relationship. You should keep your distance and act as if he’s a casual visitor to the house.
It may also help to avoid him a bit for a while, and direct your energy elsewhere – like dating for yourself!
You think he feels the same way, but you don’t present evidence. Supposing for a moment that he is attracted to you, and supposing he were to write to me, I’d tell him he has a choice: Stick to his relationship and knock off flirting with other people, or quit the relationship and do what he likes.
Dating one person while flirting with another is perilously close to an emotional affair. It’s a form of cheating that kills relationships.
Bottom line: Children have emotions and then act upon them but part of being an adult is knowing that is not the way to go through life.
I hope you get over your crush soon. Know I’m thinking of you!
